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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that dh didnt tell me that .....

20 replies

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 13:49

a week ago he had a drunken 45min phone call to his estranged dad who hes hasnt spoken to for 3 years. I found out off his sister. Dh is currenlty away on business and had a few to drink etc and decided to ring his dad. He has spoke to me every day since and hasnt mentioned anything. His sister then rang me assumming that i knew and said isnt it good theyve patched things up. I confronted dh on the phone and said why didnt you tell me seeing as its a big thing and he said he wanted to tell me in person (not home till tommarrow). I said why what was said thinking theres more appparently nothing that we hadnt really discussed or i didnt know already so im left here wondering well why didnt you mention it what else are you hiding.His mother was a control freak and cut ties with him and our ds we have since had a ds and so they arent my favourite choice of people. But i have always said to dh that its up to him what contact he has as long as it doesnt affect us. Obviously contatc with the children is different.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/03/2008 13:51

I think you need to calm down.

He has said he wanted to tell you in person and that is what he was probably going to do.

It isn't like he has kept an affair from you.

Iklboo · 14/03/2008 13:51

Maybe he's still trying to get his head around it all. Men can be odd creatures

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 13:51

im really annoyed he didnt talk to me about it makes me wonder how he sees me or what hes affraid of.And then worst of all to hear from someone else.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/03/2008 13:53

I really thik you are getting this all out of proportion. This is not about you. I think you are annoyed that his sister told you and it makes you feel like she thinks he doesn't tell you everything.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 13:55

his mum was a control freak and he always avoided telling her things because of how shed react and sometimes he treats me like her but im not same. His parents have caused so much trouble between us so for him to make contact and not to tell me. I feel like he cant confide in me. Ive never said to him i forbid you not to contatc them ive only ver said if you do dont let them come between us again.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 14/03/2008 13:55

Men often don't share this kind of thing.

I once had a similar situ where my brother told DP something very serious but not me or my parents!

Sometimes they don't want to share straightaway.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/03/2008 13:56

It is hard to stop doing things hwne you have had to put up with it for years.

You need to make him believe he can tell you anything and don't go off on one with him over this or he won't talk to you.

You are annoyed he didn't tell you. That is clear. Why are you so annoyed?

CountessDracula · 14/03/2008 13:57

I can't see why you are so angry to be honest

Is he an habitual liar or hider of things?

Are you very insecure about your relationship?

Iklboo · 14/03/2008 13:57

He's also more likely to tell his sister and it's (i'm presuming) her dad too? He maybe felt she'd be able to understand the situation a little better.
He obvioulsy wanted to tell you face to face. He might have thought he'd need your support/a hug/hand holding.

Lulumama · 14/03/2008 13:58

you are a few weeks post natal? so perhaps a bit more hormonal?

your H mgith not have wanted to worry you or pressure you

don;t be angry with him

it must have been a big thing for him to do, and he wanted to process it before he told you

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 14:02

mabe its just my hormones just had a baby so feeling a bit insecure about things. He jsut always seems to hide things from me so its not a one off and im def not a control freak.I guess im scared too as still not sure what was said as things have been great between dh and i without mils input and now after ive just had the baby hes made contact all of a sudden.I jsut would have liked to know whats going on and not have sleepless night drelling on it before i could speak to him about it.They did cause big problems in our marriage.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 14/03/2008 14:05

Maybe that's why he hasn't told you. He's away - had you known about it you would have had to wait for him to get back before being able to discuss it. Sounds to me like he didn't want to upset you at a time when he couldn't discuss it face to face.

ibelieveindreaming · 14/03/2008 14:06

I can understand him wanting to wait and tell you in person, I think YABU.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 14:07

its been a classic toxic parent case and all his sisters have been on his parents side-so ive been the one supporting him. Ive told him i dont like his mother but its not my mum so i dont have to and its up to him what he decides.

He just lies to me about silly things or hides things.

OP posts:

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/03/2008 14:11

i dont want him to think that he cant have a relationship with his parents because of how i feel about them. And him not telling me made me feel like i was stopping him or he was scared of what id say and he admmited that.Its like he thinks im his mother. They cut ties with us not the other way round btw

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 14/03/2008 15:31

OK I would say a couple of things about this

Clearly he has had a difficult upbringing. I should imagine that he has had to cope on his own (i don't mean literally, but emotionally) as a child/teenager if he has toxic parents. He probably hid a lot of how he was feeling from them and now it is habit, so he also hides stuff from you. Not because he wants to but becasue that is how he copes with life as a result of his upbringing.

You need to talk to him properly about this and (a) make him realise he is doing it and (b) that you have noticed and that you are not angry but you would like to help him not have to feel like this if you can. Maybe he can talk to you about how he dealt with things and get him thinking about how he can change and be happier.

The second thought that came to mind was that although they are toxic they are still his parents and maybe having a child fro the first time has made him think about them and want to see them to sort stuff out?

CountessDracula · 14/03/2008 15:32

I would try and dwell less on this one incident and look the way he is as a whole.

EffiePerine · 14/03/2008 15:35

I wouldn't talk about this over the phone either - I hate phone calls and much prefer to talk in person. You don;t know the whole story because you haven't talked to him in person - calm down, wait till he's home and talk this through.

bb99 · 14/03/2008 15:42

Sister was a bit cheeky putting her oar in.

Give him a chance and chat in person - phone calls suck for this kind of thing.

I'm sure he didn't not tell you because he thinks he married his mother and you sound as if you're more than prepared to be flexible about the whole thing.

Good Luck, families are always so bloomin complicated!

sparkybabe · 14/03/2008 17:58

CD talks a lot of sense about the isolated child thing - I was quite an isolated child emotionally, and I tend to - not hide things, exactly but just not tell dh about things. eg. i had a check up on my r breast a few years ago, i never told dh i was going to hospital, and once it was cleared there seemed no point. Maybe I feel it would have been attention-seeking in some way. I've always been a 'coper' and left alone with the dc for days/weeks while dh goes on buisness, so i manage alone. MAybe he's the same? I don't have contact with my toxic dad either, but I don't suppose it would be a big thing if he suddenly got in contact with me. I'd deal with it on my own, possibly telling dh if it came up.

Oh and face - to face, not over the phone, it's so much harder to 'read' people over the phone, esp. for men.

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