Is it just me, or does this seem rude?

[okayumm]

Just bumped into an old friend at a large park near the city we live in. It was lovely to see her and her family, I've not seen them for about a year. We decided to take all our children to the playground together so we could catch up. The children had a great time, but I've left feeling disappointed and a bit crap. My friend didn't ask one question about me and my family. I asked all about them, what they've been up to, what their plans are for Christmas etc. etc. They were nice and chatty, but I had to volunteer info about myself/family.

This also happened earlier this week with a mum of one of my dd friends. We had a friendly chat, but I didn't ask one thing about us/our life. It was all me asking the questions. Again, she was super happy to talk about her/her life.

I am a little bit more on the shy side and I can find social situations hard. I'm quite insecure, so where most people wouldn't even notice this, I feel it. I think most people just add their situation onto the conversation (hope that makes sense) and so the conversation flows?? I don't really know if that is the case, I just see confident people chat and chat without there ever being an awkward silence.

I often leave social gatherings feeling down on myself and that I've said something stupid or not said anything witty or clever. Or that I come across as boring or uninteresting.

It’s most likely they feel they don’t want to pry. Asking a direct question can be awkward in some situations so people say something about themselves and expect a response in which you would chime in with something from your life which is relatable.

Of course there are people like my mother who do ask questions, don’t bother to wait for an answer and then go off on a tangent about something in their own lives and aren’t actually interested in what anyone else has to say!

One thing to remember is that no one is analysing what you say and do as much as yourself and most of it goes unnoticed. People are self involved in general so I wouldn’t take it personally.

I think this is a common problem OP. People these days seem totally self absorbed. They will cheerily talk for hours about themselves but never reciprocate and ask a question about you or yours. I even had this when people knew about a bereavement I'd suffered. I don't know whether social media/work from home/the pandemic or people being more used to texting than talking has created this bubble but it definitely exists. My experience over the last few years is that people just talk at each other rather than sharing an exchange of information. So it may look like a flowing conversation but it isn't really.

Lots of people are like this OP. It is rude. They are only interested in talking about themselves. It's definitely no fault of yours.

It sounds difficult.
Have to tried to leave some blank in the conversation to see whether it them occurs to them to ask?

People love to talk about themselves, if you give them the opportunity, they'll take it. Tbh, as someone who struggles with small-talk, I love it but I can see how it could make you feel shit. Try not to take it personally, she's probably kicking herself now for not asking you more.

I am a little bit more on the shy side and I can find social situations hard. I'm quite insecure

It’s possible they can sense this, OP, and they may not want to put you on the spot.

I’m going through a lot right now and just don’t want to talk about myself at all. Most people seem to sense I have a wall up and try not to breach it by asking too many questions. So they just talk about themselves, which is either nice or boring.

Next time try broaching a topic, they may surprise you.

Some people feel shy too and shy asking personal questions. I struggle asking questions but I love talking and getting to know people. If they volunteer information I then ask little questions but probably not on the first "date". Give them another chance and see how it goes.

Of course there are people like my mother who do ask questions, don’t bother to wait for an answer and then go off on a tangent about something in their own lives and aren’t actually interested in what anyone else has to say!

Do we have the same mother, @HateLiarsButLoveMyHusband ?

Yanbu I'm starting to get really fucking annoyed at the sheer volume of people who keep doing this.

Went out for a dinner for 12 last night. Asked the people either side of me a few things. Neither ignorant pig Asked a single thing about me.

So many people are like this. When DCs were younger and I used to meet with mums for lunch, it felt like only they had children and I had none, as I asked questions and they told me everything about their children, but weren’t remotely interested in my family.

Started a new job recently and very few staff talked to me - the only way they did is if I asked them questions about their lives, no one reciprocated.

It’s tiring and rude but what can you do? People are so self-absorbed. My dad has always been like this but nearly everyone seems like this these days. But it’s definitely them and not you.

Could your fellow staff just have a lot on? I’ve got a lot on right now and just don’t have the mental capacity to get to know the new joiners who sit next to me. I always good morning and goodnight etc and I am friendly if they talk to me though.

I just about save my energy and the reserves of my mental health for my immediate team.

I think the Point the OP was making wasn't that people were quiet it's ok to be quiet that's not the issue. The issue is talking about yourself constantly without asking anything about the other person

Yes it is rude.

Them not you.

Some people have zero self awareness and will happily drone on endlessly about them and theirs.

Once I recognise this in someone I keep it very short and sweet or duck them altogether.

It is possible to ask generic non nosey questions that show you ARE interested in them.

It’s nothing you’re doing wrong, OP. This person was being rude. I’ve noticed this sort of thing a lot recently. I wonder if it’s something to do with social media - we’ve all just got used to broadcasting our own stuff in a silent vacuum and waiting for validating emojis rather than an actual conversation.

So many people are like this. A woman I’m friendly with will have an entire conversation with me that will involve me saying 5 words in about 15 minutes. She just monologues and there is no way of getting a word in, honestly. I thought I was maybe doing something wrong but I’ve seen her do the exact same thing to so many people.

So yes it is rude but no it’s not you, it’s her.

SO many people like this . Don't even have the basic social skills to understand that there should be some reciprocity in conversation !
I assume these people must end up pretty lonely as people will invariably drift away .

It’s most likely they feel they don’t want to pry

Bollocks. They just want to talk about themselves.

Exactly !!

I have a friend that I’ve realised is only interested in meeting up so she can talk about herself and what she’s been doing. I’ve backed off now and make excuses if she asks to meet up.

Thank you all. I do feel better about the situation after reading the replies.

How are people so oblivious that what they're doing is rude. This is what I can't understand. And the odd thing is that these two women have a lot of friends/acquaintances, how do others put up with it and not walk away felling like crap.