This is long but the background is relevant.
I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 13, we’re both late 30’s, no kids (by choice). We have a very happy and healthy relationship which is mutually loving, supportive and respectful. We’re both very laid back and never really argue. We know each other back to front and have grown up together. He is the primary earner, I work in a low paying field and work part time due to health issues.
My husband has suspected ADHD but is on a waiting list for formal diagnosis/treatment. For him the main symptoms are time blindness, poor planning skills, massive procrastination, hyper focus/obsession on certain topics before getting bored and moving onto something else, need for high adrenaline activity and talking a lot. Over the years this has caused/contributed to episodes of depression/stress and a severe lack of self esteem. He’s very good at masking so most people would be surprised to know he is prone to depression or that he lacks confidence in himself.
Last year he was headhunted for a new job which he was unsure about taking but they promised him so much (support/opportunity/salary etc) so he decided to give it a go. Unfortunately it was an extremely toxic work environment and not at all what he expected. As the weeks went on he became more and more depressed, his adhd symptoms worsened and his self esteem was rock bottom. It was an extremely difficult time for both of us. After 7 months they terminated his contract but because of certain errors on their part he was given a payout. I agreed that it would be good for him to take a few months off work to help him get back to himself and focus on what he really wanted to do next.
We have always had a very relaxed attitude to money, I realise this is a very privileged situation to be in and it’s not to say we spend excessively or are very wealthy just that we’re more likely buy/do something now and pay it off later rather than saving up. I think this largely comes down to his impulse issues and my laid back attitude to life. This did cause us to build up some debt over the years but this is now mostly cleared. When he stopped working I told him that it was up to him to do what he wanted whilst not working but that the more he spent the sooner he’d need to return to work. The latest he would need to be back at work if he budgeted carefully was start of July.
Unfortunately July came and went without him even looking for a job. By August things got a bit desperate as he hadn’t budgeted all that well and he ended up having to borrow money from his parents. I found the whole situation very stressful as he seemed to be burying his head in the sand rather than being proactive. Fortunately this spurred him into action and he started applying for new jobs and started a new one at the start of October. He has settled in really well and is much happier, although the impact of the last job is clearly affecting his self confidence. (He is very good at what he does he just has terrible imposter syndrome). My work situation hasn’t been great for the last year but because he was made redundant I had to stay on longer than I would have liked, my situation has now reached a head and I will be redundant in the new year. We can manage on just his salary.
On to the actual issue. Some years ago my husband started playing occasional games of online black jack, this was infrequent and he probably spent no more than £60 over a year (that’s a rough guess). It was always a stake of under 10p a go. Over the last year he started playing the slot games after being enticed by the free spin offers. This wasn’t done secretly but I don’t know if he was paying to play, I never asked.
I did notice while he was off work his playing was more regular and he did admit to putting some money into it. Just after he started his new job a gambling promo flyer came through the post this sparked a conversation about it as I was getting concerned about the frequency and he admitted that he was playing very regularly and that while out of work he spent at least £300 on online games. I was shocked and disappointed but I told him I appreciated his honesty and that he needed to stop as it was getting out of hand. He said he would.
Last week we received another promo flyer in the post so I asked if he was managing to stay off the online slots and he said he was but I could tell he was being untruthful so I asked him again and he then admitted that he was still using it. I asked why he lied and he said he was embarrassed about it. I told him I was more concerned about him lying than gambling as it’s a slippery slope. As I said I’m very laid back about most things but lying is something I find very hard to deal with, especially from those you love. He offered to delete his account which he did there and then.
I wanted to check that he was being truthful so this morning I opened his email account (he knows I can do this as it’s open in our shared laptop, as is mine, we have access to each others devices and neither would think anything of picking up the others phone), I just wanted to be certain and I couldn’t face being lied to again. There were no emails in his inbox but I checked the trash and could see an email he received last week in which he submitted a request to restore his online gambling account.
Im so upset, I am concerned about the gambling but I’m more upset about the fact he has now lied about this multiple times and has gone behind my back after a direct conversation about it. He knows I’m concerned, he knows how upset he was that he lied and yet he’s gone and done it again but this time with more deception.
It’s been a stressful few weeks with my redundancy, our dog being unwell (and associated costs) and my husbands great-uncle recently passing away (funeral was last week), they were very close and I know he’s still grieving.
He’s out today so I haven’t spoken to him about this yet. Is it unreasonable to be upset over something that is potentially trivial? Should I ask to see his bank account? How am I meant to trust that he’ll stop this when he has lied to me repeatedly. I’m just so hurt.