No longer feeling attracted to my husband...

[ConfusedAdult2001]

My husband (28M) and I (22F) have been together for 4 years, have a beautiful baby girl (17mo), and a second on the way. However, after an incident last weekend, I've really started questioning whether or not I really want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and whether or not he's even a good father.

Longer story short, he didn't want to change her diaper, whilst I'm clearly cooking food for everyone, because he was "going back to bed", only to be on the game when I went upstairs not even 5 minutes later. He said he started getting messages, so he just hopped on to stop the messages. I saw it as him allowing his gaming buddies (idk what to call them) to disrupt his sleep, but his daughter needing something couldn't.

I've just been reflecting on it lately and just feel so fed up with him.

1. he once blamed ME for HIM not knowing our daughter's clothes and diaper sizes
2. he doesn't know how to prepare an actual meal for her that she will eat (I kinda don't count him feeding her Ramen noodles solely because of the salt content and how even adults are advised not to eat them)
3. he always asks someone else (me, his mom, his sister) to change her diaper if he knows it's soiled, OR he acts like he can't see or smell it
4. he wants every single Saturday to himself, which includes me not asking him for help with our daughter at all, even if that means me needing to take a shower or get something to eat (he always responds by telling me to ask his mom or sister, BUT THEY WATCH HER WHILE WE'RE BOTH AT WORK - I just feel like the least I can do is give them a break from watching a young child that's not theirs if we're both at home)
5. he never goes out to buy diapers, and when I ONCE told him I had nothing left to go out to buy them, he just tells me to ask him for money if I need it 🙃 (but he's not willing to just pitch in on his own to buy them, or even just ASK if I need money for diapers, OR JUST DO IT HIMSELF ONCE IN A WHILE)
6. he doesn't go grocery shopping unless he wants something specific
7. he needs 24hrs head notice if I need him to give DD a shower because he usually has "plans" after work (planned games)

The list just goes on and on. Not to mention that months ago, we got into an argument about sex and oral sex and how I'm not up for it anymore. Here's my thing, I honestly don't really care when a person showers; you're an adult, it's your decision when and if you want to shower. Personally, I shower every night - it makes me feel clean and somewhat relaxed after work, but also allows me to sleep in in the mornings. However, if I want sex, I know we usually have sex at night, so now I feel clean and ready to go. He on the other hand, showers in the morning. I'm sorry, but I can't give you a BJ when your d smells like piss and must. Then, I've noticed sometimes he only showers Mon-Fri. I'm sorry, but if you ask me for a BJ Sunday night, knowing good and damn well you haven't showered or at least cleaned yourself some, I'm going to say no because I just find that absolutely disrespectful, repulsive, and disgusting. I told him he doesn't shower everyday, he said he does, made an effort to shower daily after that, and then just last week, no shower all weekend. Sometimes I can smell his d when he lifts up the covers. I can smell it on his hands if he touched his junk some time ago and then comes and touches my shoulder or face.

AIBU to be this fed up since last weekend?

However, I do think I may be kind of resenting him and just how he's been for a while now. Saturday is our only joint day off work, and we can't make some type of time to spend some quality time together because it's "his only day" off, which I also find annoying because if I work on Sundays, and you're "watching" pur daughter (he usually asks him mom/sister to watch her the entire time I'm gone), you still have a day off from work, but you can't get a freaking day off from being a parent. To say I'm tired and f*ing fed up is an understatement.

It doesn’t sound like he is prioritising you or your daughter. Have you actually sat down and discussed these issues? It could be that your pregnancy hormones are making you more sensitive to his actions/smell but even if that weren’t factor it still doesn’t sound like he’s much of a partner. It seems unlikely that things will improve with the arrival of a second child and you’ve listed nothing that you like about him or that is even contributing positively to your life. If that really is the case then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you to be in. I would caution against rash decisions but ultimately the fact you are even asking the question makes me think you’ve already checked out of this relationship.

LTB, girl, you deserve better.

But you've decided to have a second child with him? Brilliant

Both pregnancies weren't planned, and when I went to PH, I was already 2 months into this one, and couldn't bring myself to do what I thought I could do

When I started feeling like this, I wad worried I had unintentionally mentally and emotionally checked out. My MIL also said it might just be my pregnancy hormones, but even if I wasn't pregnant, would any of this even be acceptable in a relationship, partnership, or even a coparenting relationship if we split? I also don't want my babies to grow up and ask me why Daddy doesn't spend time with them like Mommy does, but even worse to grow up thinking that that's the type of man and partner they want later down the line.

I think refusing to change her when she's soiled is a big red flag, it's symbolic of not taking responsibility for the difficult and messy parts of life. Getting his mum and sister to do it also ew.

Similarly the bit about not even letting you take a shower on a Saturday - seems lazy and uncaring to me.

@ConfusedAdult2001 absolutely none of it is acceptable if what you’ve shared are the facts. I just meant you need to be sure that your hormones aren’t interfering with your perception. Having to book in time for your partner to parent their own child is ridiculous as is not prioritising her or your needs over his gaming. I think you know what you need to do here, you know you are worth more than this and it doesn’t sound like ending the relationship will have much impact on the support you get (presuming mil is happy to continue to help out). I’d lay it out to him as you have here and ask him if he thinks that’s an acceptable way to treat your spouse and if he’d be happy if his daughter was treated this way. If he recognises there is an issue you may want to give him the opportunity to do better, although you don’t have to. If he sees no issue then you’ve got your answer, he won’t change and doesn’t care enough to try.

You need to have conversations with him and he needs to massively step up. It takes time for fathers to transform into parents. Try to stay positive with how you bring things up but also firm. I'd deal with your resentment first before bringing up his hygiene issues.

That whole post is utterly grim, get rid of the filthy manchild.

Run!

I feel like I'm not crazy only because it keeps playing over and over in my head when I think about it, the incident last weekend, and then all the others just came flooding into my brain immediately after that.

I can only hope he would think that a partner for our daughters better be treating them better than the way he deems acceptable to treat us currently.

Also, I completely understand that people need time to decompress and relax fully away from work sometimes, parents included, but I feel like you needing a "break" doesn't mean you have absolutely not responsibilities for hours on end away from your kids included.

Why did you have one child with him let alone two children?

He's useless and that isn't going to change. It's a fucking tragedy that you got pregnant again, but that ship has sailed.

All I can advise is to get yourself organised and quickly as possible and get shot of him.

Both were unplanned pregnancies, even with me being on birth control both times. I even contemplated abortion, but that was going to be something I could personally live with for the rest of my life

This man will not be there for you when you need him, he's shown you that in a million different ways. He can't just check out one day a week, that's not part of the deal. Honestly he sounds like a nightmare and I'm not surprised you're not attracted to him

And I'm not even all that surprised, because after having our first daughter, he didn't even want to watch her so I could go pump. I literally had to break down to him that I can't pump and "watch" her because she's just gonna want me to hold her or feed her, and I can't do both and still pump to have food for her for later. I was so mad that day

He's a loser and not going to get any better.

He's dirty. Stop sleeping with him.

Do you have money? Family? Where do you live?

You need to start planning for life as a single mum.

What was he like before you married? Any red flags you chose to ignore then?

@ConfusedAdult2001 I think you know what you need to do. He’s no partner or father, you can’t rely on him and you sound miserable. The saying goes when someone keeps showing you who they are, believe them. Sounds like he’s shown you enough times that he isn’t going to change.
I wonder if he resents the baby as it was unplanned, he won’t be any better with the next one. He’s had over a year to adjust and has made no effort, time to let him go.
Hopefully you have people who can support you as you transition into your new life as a single parent.