To have found this comment a bit odd?

[Iamawomaninlove]

As part of my work I've been supporting a young girl academically who really struggles with her self-esteem and anxiety, she is very shy. I have been trying to slowly create a bond with her and she seems to like me and mostly respond to me which is great.
The manager took me into her office to tell me I was doing very well with her, which was great. Then she told me, I think Emma is much better off having a mentor like you, as opposed to a mentor who's a lot more outgoing, louder and confident in themselves.
I was a bit confused, because I am fairly reserved but not sure why that's mistaken for having no confidence? This isn't the first time people have made such assumptions and it gets a bit old.
Now in my 30s I'd say I am a lot more confident than when I was younger, but some people make clumsy assumptions that if you aren't very loud, very bubbly and out there then you must have very low confidence or self esteem.
Anyway it's not the end of the world, I just don't like these daft assumptions.

I think you're overthinking.

I am possibly, but I've heard it several times and it's just a strange assumption.

I think it was clumsily worded but it was meant as a positive.

It's absolutely a compliment. That you demonstrate that there are different ways of being self confident and that being loud isn't automatically required.

I also think you’re over analysing and coming up bust, it just means more extroverted, let it go, there is no issue here.

I think that quiet confidence is just as valued as loud confidence.
It sounds like you have the former and that your manager was trying to say that, albeit in a slightly clumsy way.

It's an understandable thing to overthink though.

I think she meant full of themselves. It was a compliment and I reckon actually agreeing with you

I think, she was meaning louder and with louder confidence. Quiet confidence is what’s needed here. You can’t be a successful mentor without any confidence.

I think it was badly worded.

I would overthink this too, if I were you. So not judging. But I do think you are overthinking it.

If I had said that to you, I would actually appreciate you coming back on Monday and saying......"Mum diva, you know our conversation on Friday....I've been pondering because whilst I completely agree I'm quieter than others please don't mistake that for a lack of confidence. I can be quietly confident you know!!" She might have just been a bit clumsy with words.....or maybe she needs educating a little. I would appreciate that feedback either way. (And it demonstrates exactly what you are saying.....you lack no confidence having the chat.) It doesn't need to be too serious or confrontational....

I can be quiet and reserved at times. I also get mistaken for lacking mg confidence. I think some people think of confidence as being extrovert and loud rather than as an inner confidence. It is frustrating.

op maybe at your next supervision you could mention it.

I probably get what your manager means though. You obviously present as a calm, quiet “safe” person who isn’t too in your face and that works for this child. The comment on confidence is odd and just misplaced I expect.

I assume they've just worded what they mean poorly. Perhaps they're conflating confidence with bravado.

I think she just meant that you are calm and non threatening to the child, whereas a loud and pushy mentor might have been off-putting to her.

Yes I think you are right! Hopefully it was just clumsy wording, I'll try to not overthink it.

I have some experience in this. What she means, quite simply, is that a quieter more reserved approach is often more effective. Some kids do not respond well to chatter and being jollied along. It's overwhelming and anxiety inducing. She appreciates that you have given this girl space enough to form a relationship with you of her own making, meaning she is comfortable around you.

I work with children with additional needs and have to vary my manner according to who I'm working with. Being quiet, calm and measured is a skill.

I think they just worded it clumsily - I think when they said you weren’t confident they actually meant you aren’t brash/pushy. They chose their words poorly, that’s all.

You do sound like the ideal mentor for this student and they obviously appreciate your work, so it’s all good.

This

My DD is your Emma. She was always doing better with TAs who quietly and calmly guided her and gave her opportunity and space to express herself rather than overpowered her with their bright and loud confidence. Mind you she loves loud outgoing people it’s like she is fascinated by them but much less is done in learning because outgoing people clearly take the lead and DD just follows without thinking.
It was a positive comment OP. I think you are doing great because you’ve chosen the best professional approach and that’s what the comment is about.

I agree with the others that your manager was trying to compliment you but butchered it!

I would however mention it to your manager as a teaching moment for them. So on Monday I'd pull them aside and say something like 'really appreciate your comments on Friday but just wanted to make you aware that if I was an over thinker - being told that I'm not as confident can be perceived as a negative. Just wanted to flag it as I'd want you to flag anything like this to me.'

I guarantee your manager will apologise and thank you for bringing it up. Anything like this - always give feedback. It's empowering and people do appreciate it. (Read radical candor or Google the Ted talk on this - really good).

It was obviously intended as a compliment but I can see your point of view, OP. It is annoying that people equate being an introvert or just not being loud as lacking confidence. I am a very confident introvert, I would probably have questioned her on that comment to be honest.

My DD doesn't have a mentor at school, but the description you have given, could almost be her- though like you, people often confuse her quietness for lack of confidence. It's not within her to boast or be loud.
I think that your manager has really put things accross badly- maybe a downside of her more outward nature is a mouth that goes quicker than her brain (many of us more outward suffer with it!)

Also, just want to say, people like you are an excellent choice for mentorship, because you'll not be drowning your mentees out, or giving them an idea that to be confident or have the ability to assert themselves needs to be loud. DD and I are opposites in terms of personality and access to people more like herself is really useful in her teen years.

YANBU. From my experience, some extroverts (really just the extremely social and outgoing ones, most extroverts aren't like this) are of the opinion that the only reason everyone else isn't as loud and pushy as them is that they lack the confidence. Everyone else is missing something in their eyes.

(Not sure it ever occurs to them that placing themselves as the pinnacle of social achievement is supremely arrogant.)

It was clumsily worded.

I'd assume that she meant Emma was doing better with someone who is also on the quieter, calmer side. Someone who meets her with a calm energy, rather than someone who is brash and "in your face".

Thank you, I do see what people mean and I'll try to take it as a compliment.