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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Different personalities?

22 replies

Maisie5 · 08/12/2023 21:06

Sorry, first time I am posting in the AIBU section.

I accompanied DH to his work Christmas party which is unusual for us because he hates corporate events despite having to attend them regularly. As a result I met most of his colleagues for the first time and they seemed nice. As I was chatting to them I got increasingly more uncomfortable though because DH seems to have divulged hardly anything about himself or us for that matter. They didn't even know that we have 2 DCs because he apprently ignores any topics like this. It left me extremely uncomfortable because I wasn't sure what was going on, and I wanted to leave early but he didn't want to and we stayed on.

I know that he is quite private with most people and friends and family keep joking that he is paranoid, but I never paid much heed because everyone has their quirks. After last night I wondered though because he seems to be an entirely different person in work than he is at home. I know that this might be the case with people to a degree but I have never seen anything like this.

I tried talking to him about it today but he got stroppy and defensive and decided to meet up with a friend, and he still isn't back and ignoring me. I don't think I did anything bad trying to talk about this but please tell me if I'm unreasonable here.

OP posts:

JustAGirlScotland · 08/12/2023 21:11

I think some people do very much wear “two hats” one for work and one for their family life.

I don’t overshare at all. However when I’m comfortable around people I will mention DP/children.

In my current toxic workplace (which I resigned from today woo hoo!) my colleagues know nothing of my personal life.

It’s not necessarily a red flag.

Original poster

Maisie5 · 08/12/2023 21:12

JustAGirlScotland · 08/12/2023 21:11

I think some people do very much wear “two hats” one for work and one for their family life.

I don’t overshare at all. However when I’m comfortable around people I will mention DP/children.

In my current toxic workplace (which I resigned from today woo hoo!) my colleagues know nothing of my personal life.

It’s not necessarily a red flag.

Congratulations on your resignation and thank you :)

OP posts:

Doodledeedum · 08/12/2023 21:13

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the work colleagues to know SOMETHING about him. I mean we spend more time at work than at home sometimes and I would have thought he'd naturally have discussions about weekends and holidays like most do .... so how has this not happened? Would make me worry we're being hidden and I'd wonder why. ( that's my personal opinion, not to say I'm right! )

SheSaidHummingbird · 08/12/2023 21:18

Your final paragraph is concerning.

10HailMarys · 08/12/2023 21:22

But what does it matter whether he talks about his private life at work? You’re acting as you think he’s been trying to pretend he was single, but clearly he hasn’t, because he invited you, his wife, to a work event with him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 21:23

I don't think there's anything odd about that tbh. It sounds as if he hasn't been there all that long, judging by what you say, not long enough to have built up long relationships so you can't really expect people to know.

TBH I'm only interested in people's families and private lives if I know them really well. I've worked in a small firm for nearly ten years so I know a bit about my colleagues families but in a big corporate environment I wouldn't really remember whether people were married/had kids etc. It wouldn't really register. I certainly wouldn't expect people to keep a mental running tally on the number of kids each employee had. If you don't know people well why would you care about their domestic setups?

Original poster

Maisie5 · 08/12/2023 21:34

Thank you. He's actually been there for 4 years. I'm not mad at him or questioning his loyalties, I just couldn't understand it because I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do. As I said I know that he can be like this with strangers but I didn't expect this at work.
Thanks, maybe it's more normal than I thought

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 21:39

OP it sounds like this is your anxiety speaking to be honest. I don't think it's unusual for people to present a slightly different version of themselves at work: its a professional environment and there's always some politics involved. And he presumably has some friendships and just wanted to hang out, have a couple of drinks and relax.

I mean this kindly but I think you're overthinking this and I think asking him about this must have felt like criticism.

Original poster

Maisie5 · 08/12/2023 22:52

Thanks, I'll take this on board as having over-reacted. Thank you!

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 23:16

Were you pregnant or did you have a child during the last few years?

How were his colleagues in front of you? Did they mention that he never says anything about his family?

Can you think of any huge events that have happened while he's been there that he hasn't mentioned?

wudubelieveit · 08/12/2023 23:18

I think as women we think socially in a very different way to some men, often we use family etc as a way to build up friendships and support in the workplace. Men don’t always feel those same social drivers, or they will respond and have conversation in different ways…do you remember the scene in the nightclub in “Train spotting”!

keye · 08/12/2023 23:24

After last night I wondered though because he seems to be an entirely different person in work than he is at home.

Not a different person, just one who doesn't want to share his private life with colleagues?

He definitely isn't alone, a lot of people are careful with how much information they divulge about private things to work colleagues.

I don't think it's any reflection on you at all, if anything he is being protective and caring towards his entire family by not sharing any detail with them.

RedHelenB · 08/12/2023 23:26

I think yabu to want to keave early just because he hadn't said much about his home life at work. He asked you to join in his work do so I don't see where your anxieties and incomfortabless came from. You seem quite controlling, you said his colleagues were nice so you should have just got on with enjoying the evening rather than quizzing your dh. I understand why he acted as he did in the final paragraph.

RiddlePiddle · 08/12/2023 23:30

I guess maybe it depends on his job/how often he interacts with his colleagues. I had one job years ago where I spent so much one on one time with colleagues with little work to do, that we knew each others life stories, bra sizes, siblings middle names and what they had for breakfast each day -lol-
Another job I’ve had since there isn’t really time to chat although we all get on, I don’t think we know much about each other at all. We also rarely (never) socialise out of work due to the shift patterns.

WhateverMate · 08/12/2023 23:34

Maisie5 · 08/12/2023 21:34

I just couldn't understand it because I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do.

Why not?

"Hi, I'm Maisie, Bob's wife".

SleepingBeautySnores · 08/12/2023 23:38

OP I think this is very much a 'man' thing, men have these stupid macho rules that so many of them live by, so by divulging information about family and their private life, they seem to feel that they are making themselves vulnerable in some way. A lot of men see work as a place they go to, to get a job done, full stop, whereas women tend to be more chatty with one and other, depending on the type of work they do. For example, if you work in a fast moving environment where you have to be totally focussed on what is happening with the business, for example working in the money markets, you are far less likely to have time to have a chit chat with the girls at the coffee machine. However, if you work in retail, and the store is quiet, you may decide to pass the time having a chat with your colleagues. I really don't think this is anything to worry about, and presumably he didn't say to you before you went to the party, not to talk about your family, your up coming Christmas plans or whatever, which would indicate that he's trying to keep secrets from his colleagues?

itsmylife7 · 08/12/2023 23:39

I'm another that "wears two hats " at work .

He's at work and just doing work not discussing kids and family life.

You've overreacted OP.

Elfnsafetyhat · 08/12/2023 23:40

Everyone is different. I have one colleague who barely days boo to a goose, he wouldn’t give away anything unless asked.

I wouldn’t be overly bothered, he’s obviously not keeping you a secret otherwise he wouldn’t have invited you to the party. He sounds like he’s very professional and likes to focus on work.

I would find it odd though, especially if his role involves networking as how can you really trust someone you know absolutely nothing about?!

N0TMYIDEA · 08/12/2023 23:51

I’m a very private person in RL and don’t share a lot with the people I work with. But even I would think it was extremely odd to work with someone for 4 years and not know they had a wife and kids.

Usually these things come up in conversation at work, for example when you ask people how their weekend / holiday was.

I work with mostly men and know which ones have kids and roughly what ages. It comes up in conversation anyway eg I can’t work late tonight , it’s the school parents evenings / have to take kids to football / hockey / dancing.

fuckssaaaaake · 09/12/2023 23:06

This thread is so weird to me. You can have "two hats" but never mentioning you have a wife and kids is bizarre

ANightingale · 09/12/2023 23:13

I'm not sure anyone I work with at the moment would be able to describe my home set-up, although I do have past colleagues who would - it depends on the kind of atmosphere you have at work. My present role, everyone is very business-focused, which is fine.

Bireadwhatiread · 09/12/2023 23:20

I'm not a fan of offering up your personal life as idle chat at work. I know workplaces where everyone is expected to offer up a personal bit of info, gossip or news. People's lives aren't entertainment to be used as gossip. So I think your husband might be being protective of his privacy. My little offerings are always about pets or sports. This usually happens in companies that think they are families.

But in previous jobs they know loads about me.

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