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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to do this on my own but AIBU

24 replies

Pew · 08/12/2023 17:48

I need some perspective as whether I’m being silly

A family member ‘Nat’ has been serially manipulative and bullying towards me until I said enough is enough about a year ago. It’s coming up to Christmas and I have a present for their child- we buy for all children in the family. I have only met the child a few times but wouldn’t dream of not including them in present buying

I want to make sure this gift gets to the DC. I have offered to go round to Nat and their DPs house to drop the present, along with my DH. Nat has declined and said under no circumstances do they want to meet with anyone else there, as they would rather focus on ‘reconnecting’. They are refusing to come to any family events until I have met them and saying to others I am being the inflexible one and they are hurt beyond words and don’t understand. I know it’s hard without context but I very much suspect Nat to be a narcissist. They need to be in control of situations and always find fault in other people, friends family or otherwise.

DH is confused and says why would I not just meet her and the worst comes to it if she’s not very nice I can walk away or drive off. I don’t want to put myself in that arena because I feel very anxious as to why she wouldn’t be happy to even meet for a coffee with another relative there, and makes me think there is behaviour she wants to hide

AIBU to not meet Nat on her own?

OP posts:

Onionsmadeofglass · 08/12/2023 17:53

Post it?
Drop it/post it to a mutual family member’s place - like your parents’ place if this relative is your sister.

Original poster

Pew · 08/12/2023 17:57

Onionsmadeofglass · 08/12/2023 17:53

Post it?
Drop it/post it to a mutual family member’s place - like your parents’ place if this relative is your sister.

She has asked me not to and has said ‘just don’t bother’. But has also made it clear that if I turn up I won’t be allowed in if not prearranged. It seems she is trying to call the shots a bit

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 08/12/2023 18:00

How old is the child?

Toomuchcawfee · 08/12/2023 18:00

Can you just ask another relative to drop it off?

YourNameGoesHere · 08/12/2023 18:02

Honestly if you don't talk to this child's mother and you've only met the kid a handful of times I wouldn't push it and insist on giving the gift. Presumably you're very low contact with her and making the point of giving the gift seems like you're just poking the bear.

greencheetah · 08/12/2023 18:02

You’re making this difficult really. Just post it.

Onionsmadeofglass · 08/12/2023 18:04

Of course she is.
How old is the child? If they are very young I wouldn’t worry too much. The thing is, it’s a bit controlling from your side to want to give a gift to the child while continuing to snub the parent(s).
We are semi-estranged from one family member (for very very good reasons I don’t want to discuss here) and I hate receiving gifts for my child from them. I’d rather pretend they don’t exist. Unless we stop the gifts then at some point we will have to explain to our child who this person is and why we don’t see them. Which is hard. They are too young to understand anyway. I know in your case you are the ones who cut contact due to the parent’s unreasonable behavior, but I imagine she sees things through her own lens and is also just trying to defend her child against (perceived) hostility.

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 18:09

If you don’t want to reconnect then just drop the present off at your parents for the child and don’t further engage with her on it.

SinnerBoy · 08/12/2023 18:21

Pew · Today 17:57

She has asked me not to and has said ‘just don’t bother’. But has also made it clear that if I turn up I won’t be allowed in if not prearranged. It seems she is trying to call the shots a bit

I can't help wondering if she's going to take the present, then lie about how awful you are for not getting one. My SiL is exactly the sort to do something like that and if you've no witnesses to you handing it over, they may believe her.

LimeCheesecake · 08/12/2023 18:34

Give it to your parents and ask them to pass it on when they see her.

Next year send something direct from Amazon with the gift wrapping done by them.

Jeannie88 · 08/12/2023 18:36

Poor child, just leave it on doorstep?

2jacqi · 08/12/2023 18:48

@Pew nah! she is attempting to bully you again!! I feel she is going to be a nasty bitch to you if you do meet her privately and you wont have any witnesses to it! do not fall for any crap! post the present, make sure you get a certificate of posting from post office for it! and she can do what she wants with it!!

Hibambinos · 08/12/2023 18:52

This person is clearly unhinged. They want you alone to corner you and start a fight, which they can then tell everyone you started as there are no witnesses.
accept this situation is a dead duck. Her kid loses out, her choice. Leave it.
it’s only a game if two people play it - so don’t play.

Hatty65 · 08/12/2023 18:52

If Nat is your DSis then drop it at your parents and say 'Pass this on to Nat can you?' If she's a cousin, then drop it at your auntie's house.

Don't give Nat another thought. Let Nat avoid family events - you keep going. And if anyone raises the question of her with you, then laugh and say, 'I've no idea what's going on with her. Apparently she won't come to events if I'm here, for some unknown reason of her own, but that's her choice. More wine, Sylvia?'

Original poster

Pew · 08/12/2023 19:04

Hibambinos · 08/12/2023 18:52

That’s what I fear and I think you’re right

OP posts:

Pineapplewaves · 08/12/2023 19:05

I would give the gift to one of the local charities that is collecting for children who would otherwise get nothing and then not bother buying a gift for this child again.

If the relative doesn't like you they probably don't like you buying their child a gift either. Chances are if you post it the child won't be given it.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2023 19:50

So she’s controlling you right now, so the only way to not be controlled by her is to just not engage. You have to to not care what others think about you in relation to her, though. And it sounds like you still do.

Buy the present and send it. After that she can figure out what she wants to do with it.

If Nat doesn’t want to attend functions until you meet, then that’s her choice. It really has nothing to do with you or your actions. You don’t want to meet with her and that’s your choice.

Changingplace · 08/12/2023 19:53

YourNameGoesHere · 08/12/2023 18:02

This, either leave the gift with a relative, post it or don’t bother full stop, not really sure why you’re insisting on trying to give a gift given the circumstances and the fact you barely know the child I think you’re creating this issue when there doesn’t need to be one.

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 20:01

I don’t know why people think presents are a human right.

The child will get plenty of presents from their parents.

Leave the gift with your mum to give her and then go NC with sister and never give her or her kids anything again.

Original poster

Pew · 08/12/2023 20:53

Thanks everyone for the ideas

OP posts:

Original poster

Pew · 09/12/2023 14:02

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2023 19:50

Buy the present and send it. After that she can figure out what she wants to do with it.

If Nat doesn’t want to attend functions until you meet, then that’s her choice. It really has nothing to do with you or your actions. You don’t want to meet with her and that’s your choice.

Yeah that’s true. I think whatever I do it will give her room to talk badly of it so might just do this as at least it avoids direct confrontation

OP posts:

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 14:08

Meet with her over Zoom and record it in case she makes up an argument or something you said that hurt her beyond words, but never happened.

I agree have another relative take the DC the gift. If you just post it, you will have no way of knowing if the DC got it.

Original poster

Pew · 09/12/2023 14:32

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 14:08

Meet with her over Zoom and record it in case she makes up an argument or something you said that hurt her beyond words, but never happened.

I agree have another relative take the DC the gift. If you just post it, you will have no way of knowing if the DC got it.

Zoom is a great idea. Thank you

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 18:46

Pew · 08/12/2023 17:57

She has asked me not to and has said ‘just don’t bother’. But has also made it clear that if I turn up I won’t be allowed in if not prearranged. It seems she is trying to call the shots a bit

Show quote history

Are you saying that she's telling your relatives not to allow you in their homes until she's met with you? That's certifiable!

You do what you want and go where you want. If she wants to sit home and brood or be nasty, let her. Personally, I'd block her on all comms platforms and have no further contact with her. And if mutual friends or family mentioned her to me I'd say firmly but nicely "I don't care to discuss her or this situation" and change the subject.

Or maybe just launch into a chorus of "We Don't Talk About Na-aat, No No No".

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