Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to contribute towards Christmas Present?

30 replies

girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 15:50

Does this annoy anyone else?

Been asked this week to contribute towards an Xmas gift for someone at work/hobby. Don't wish to say exactly what but I'm sure you'll get the gist.

I wish people who take it upon themselves to organise this, would just buy a gift themselves,instead of trying to manipulate others.
Once they've decided to ask it makes it awkward and how do they know our financial circumstances and also how many others have asked us from different places.

I said I would, but I don't want to, I wish not to be put on the spot.
It's not something I have done to others either.

Are they just trying to make themselves look good too?
How do you deal with this?

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 08/12/2023 15:52

I wouldn't but why are they buying for just one person anyway?

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 15:53

YANBU, I would just say that you're already financially stretched at this time of year so you're opting out or that you're thinking about doing something nothing individually for people so you're opting out.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 08/12/2023 15:53

I'm not sure I do get the gist.

Why is a collection being done for one colleague?

Original poster
girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 15:56

It's a particular person, they think we should give thanks too.

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 08/12/2023 15:57

What has this particular person done to warrant a present?

I'd still say no regardless

randomstress · 08/12/2023 15:58

If this is someone you would buy for normally then contribute the usual amount you would spend.

If you have already bought something or don't buy them a gift say no.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/12/2023 15:59

Depends on the context, so assuming we’ll get the gist isn’t that helpful. A gift for e.g. the person who voluntarily organises and does all the legwork for your playgroup / book club / scouts chapter / Park run, I think it’s reasonable that somebody organising a present might assume others who benefit from their generosity and hard work might like to contribute towards thanking them, rather than be trying to make themselves look good. I’m sure if they didn’t ask others if they’d like to share the present there would be complaints if “so-and-so went and bought Janet a present, now she’s made the rest of us look bad and as though we didn’t give a shit, she could at least have asked if anyone wanted to join in with a group present.”

If you aren’t in a position to contribute just use your words and say so, things are tight for a lot of people this year.

ASouthPoleElf · 08/12/2023 16:00

Is it a collection for someone going on maternity leave? We’ve had that this week. We were all emailed and the bank details of the person organising the gift were at the bottom so we could contribute if we wanted.

One the one hand, it means you’re not put on the spot. But in previous years, when someone came round with a large envelope, yes it put you on the spot, but you could put a few pounds in and not be embarrassed that it wasn’t very much because the person collecting couldn’t see how much you’d put in. With bank transfers, obviously they do see how much you’ve contributed. Tricky. I gave £5 more than I would’ve done out of social embarrassment!

Topseyt123 · 08/12/2023 16:03

Context needed if possible.

If you really can't contribute then just say so. If money is too tight just be honest about it.

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 16:08

ASouthPoleElf · 08/12/2023 16:00

Is it a collection for someone going on maternity leave? We’ve had that this week. We were all emailed and the bank details of the person organising the gift were at the bottom so we could contribute if we wanted.

One the one hand, it means you’re not put on the spot. But in previous years, when someone came round with a large envelope, yes it put you on the spot, but you could put a few pounds in and not be embarrassed that it wasn’t very much because the person collecting couldn’t see how much you’d put in. With bank transfers, obviously they do see how much you’ve contributed. Tricky. I gave £5 more than I would’ve done out of social embarrassment!

Loved those days, I would put in 20p for people I disliked!

Now the expectation is a tenner. I opt out of them mostly and just say I’m sorting it myself and then do nothing unless I want to.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/12/2023 16:11

You need to have stock phrases at the ready for this sort of thing, and a mental limit of how much you'd be prepared to contribute if you were going to contribute at all. Don't be taken by surprise. You can say things like "I'd love to but I can't right now", or "Sorry,I'm on a really tight budget".

However if you can easily afford it, it would seem a bit churlish not to contribute at all for someone you know has gone above and beyond.

I will give up to a fiver for this sort of thing, but there have been times when I wouldn't have been able to do that, and there are times when I do not contribute, eg if I barely know the person, for example the leaving present for someone I've never worked with.
Having been the person doing the collection on occasion, I can tell you that not everybody contributes every time, and the amount given is usually quite small - I currently work in a school, and the only people who give more than a fiver are senior management. In the last few years contributions have been by payment to a nominated account where you can remain anonymous to everyone except the organiser, but in before that, it was whatever change people had on them, often a couple of pounds.

Muchof · 08/12/2023 16:12

I don’t really understand why there is a collection for one person for a Christmas present so I expect there must be context to this.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 08/12/2023 16:14

girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 15:56

It's a particular person, they think we should give thanks too.

Is it for baby Jesus?
So gold, frankincense or myrrh?

balzamico · 08/12/2023 16:15

I organise a collection for coaches of kids sports team: contributions range from 0 to £100. It's often not those who can most afford to (as far as one can tell) who don't contribute at all. There is absolute no obligation and I never check who hasn't paid in at all. From a team of 25 kids I've had around 50% contribute which is plenty.
The coaches give up a lot of time and energy to run the team and get quite a lot of flack from parents at times too

Danikm151 · 08/12/2023 16:19

If it’s for a manager- you don’t gift up in the work place

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/12/2023 16:19

I'm the person organising a gift for someone at my hobby group. This person has performed an act of service that involved spending their own money every week since September. The group leader asked me to organise a gift. I have asked everyone for 2 quid.
It is not to make myself look good. It is to ensure that this person knows we are not taking their thoughtfulness and generosity for granted.

Kayte198999 · 08/12/2023 16:20

I assume this is some kind of manager or group leader. Are you annoyed because you don't want to give a gift, or you don't like the person, or you can't afford it? Most people would be understanding if you could only give a couple of pounds, but completely opting out of a gift for someone who I assume has helped you with something (if for a hobby and not a colleague) is a bit Scroogey

DragonFly98 · 08/12/2023 16:21

Volunteer who ruins your hobby absolutely you should contribute to a gift.

BeanyBops · 08/12/2023 16:32

Yanbu. Its about how it's done. When people leave work or have a signicant birthday its nice to give them a gift. I think it's OK to send out 1-2 generic polite emails to a group/team giving the option to contribute. Noone feels singled out and you're not paying attention to anyone individually so not applying pressure. But the other day a colleague chased me specifically, for another colleagues birthday who I barely know and never speak to! It was so awkward. I ended up sending a fiver to maintain my reputation and I was really annoyed!

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 16:39

I think it depends.

I’ve known people who’ve volunteered a lot of their time or recently lost their DH etc and someone usually has the idea of buying a special gift for them and asks if we want to contribute and I’m usually happy to.

But sometimes we’re asked to provide money for the 60 children to buy presents and treats for them and I can sometimes feel put on the spot because it’s a lot of extra money for me to find.

If you don’t have the money or don’t think this person deserves it, then just have a quiet word and say you can’t afford it.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2023 16:42

The key word here is 'asked'. It's not a demand with menaces.

Mynaddmawr · 08/12/2023 16:46

I love your response of 'I would, but I don't want to'- going to start using this myself 🤣

Edited- Ignore me, it seems I can't read! And am disappointed as I thought you had said this. But yes to a stock reply for next time!

pickledandpuzzled · 08/12/2023 16:48

DragonFly98 · 08/12/2023 16:21

Volunteer who ruins your hobby absolutely you should contribute to a gift.

Fab typo.

moistclam · 08/12/2023 16:51

If its anything like our workplace, at Christmas we all pool together to give a cash gift to the single domestic who looks after our entire office block on her own. Each person puts a couple of quid in and it adds up to a nice Christmas bonus for her, which I think is fair in those kind of circumstances. Something like that?

If its more than a few quid then yes I wouldn't be quite as understanding.

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 17:08

girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 15:56

It's a particular person, they think we should give thanks too.

That doesn't really add enough context.

If the recipient of the proposed gift is someone like a boss who one team member happens to have had a lot of support from or is particularly close to, but the rest of you just see as the same as any other colleague, then YANBU.

But if, for example, it's someone who runs your hobby group and puts a lot of voluntary effort into it all year round and you all benefit from it as a group, then YABU. It's pretty normal for someone to organise a collection for a Christmas gift in those circumstances, and it would be really tight not to make even a small contribution. If you really can't afford to give even a couple of quid, then just say so.