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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go with them..

19 replies

innocentdevil77 · 08/12/2023 14:30

My partners parents live abroad (they're English but moved over there)
They are coming over for Christmas but staying with other family down south. I'm NC with them and have been for almost 3 years. Very toxic towards me, I'd been called a neglectful mother amongst many other things. Life much more peaceful since I cut them off. Also means they don't force themselves on us for 1-2 weeks at a time staying in our house when we don't have a spare bed.

as I say they're coming for Christmas - partner wants to go see them and take the kids. Fine. He wants me to go but I said what is the point of me coming to sit in the hotel on my own like a lemon. I'd rather have a few days of peace at home. I said it's typical they're coming over when we have the first couple of weeks of no work/school for months together but it is what it is.

His dad has been unwell so now I'm being accused of making him feel guilty for wanting to see him? AIBU for not going?

OP posts:

ohdamnitjanet · 08/12/2023 14:32

God no, stay at home, enjoy the break, and don’t be emotionally blackmailed.

Backtoreality1 · 08/12/2023 14:35

Not at all. Sounds like he just doesn't want to manage the children on his own. It will give you the perfect time to do Christmas prep or clear up the house depending on when he visits, and then you can enjoy some 'you' time.

Scarletttulips · 08/12/2023 14:35

so now I'm being accused of making him feel guilty for wanting to see him?

Why you aren’t stopping him going, he is a big boy and can take the kids on his own!

DH is the same - I go anywhere and I take the kids - DH goes alone.

crumblingschools · 08/12/2023 14:37

I didn't think you can begrudge them for choosing Christmas holidays to visit.

When is your DH planning to visit them, does it include Christmas Day?

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/12/2023 14:38

Not at all, if he won’t deal with their toxic behaviour towards you, he needs to accept you won’t out yourself in their company.

Original poster

innocentdevil77 · 08/12/2023 14:39

I've not once said he can't go or he can't take the children. All I said was it's typical they're coming when we've got time together for the first time in about a year. I then just went on to say tell me the dates so then I can just say to work I will work the days I'd had booked of, and try to arrange a meal with some old work mates.

Then I got "you're unbelievably nasty, making me feel guilty for wanting to see them after how unwell he's been"

I just said.. what have I done?

OP posts:

Vuurhoutjies · 08/12/2023 14:39

I said it's typical they're coming over when we have the first couple of weeks of no work/school for months together but it is what it is.

I assume this is the bit he didn't like? Does seem a bit of an unnecessary dig, albeit understandable.

Tell him you hope he has a great time, you're looking forward to some quiet time and pre- Christmas prep and you'll see him and the kids when they get back.

Original poster

innocentdevil77 · 08/12/2023 14:39

@crumblingschools no I think probably Boxing Day until around news year eve ish x

OP posts:

Vuurhoutjies · 08/12/2023 14:40

innocentdevil77 · 08/12/2023 14:39

Then I got "you're unbelievably nasty, making me feel guilty for wanting to see them after how unwell he's been"

I just said.. what have I done?

I mean, not to be nit picky, but coming at Christmas, at a time your DH is off work, isn't really a particularly manipulative or unpleasant thing to do. It's pretty normal really?

Original poster

innocentdevil77 · 08/12/2023 14:40

I know that.. I don't think it's been done out of malice. It's just annoying!

OP posts:

Vuurhoutjies · 08/12/2023 14:42

Yes but can you see how pointing it out, and saying how annoying it is, could make your DH feel like he has to "choose"?

Don't get me wrong, I totally get it. I have similar sorts of eye roll moments with DH's family and I get on quite well with them, but usually I take the "FFS this is so typical" comments and save them for when I'm talking to my family or friends!

toomuchfaff · 08/12/2023 14:43

now I'm being accused of making him feel guilty for wanting to see him? AIBU for not going?

No - you're not making him feel guilty for going; you're just not going - those two things are unconnected. He is free and unhindered to visit his parents and take the children to see his parents; he shouldn't need you to be there, if he does question him why he wants you there - he accepts you don't get on with the parents so forcing a union isn't the best situation, especially if dad is ill, better all round if he goes to see his family without you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2023 14:46

He lets his parents insult you and then he calls you nasty? Apple didn’t fall far from that unpleasant tree did it.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 08/12/2023 14:50

Does he want you there as a babysitter and is upset about him needing to take care of the kids fulltime?

ThinWomansBrain · 08/12/2023 14:54

Unless he is booking a super nice hotel with great facilities and restaurant, stay at home

Greenpolkadot · 08/12/2023 14:58

He's throwing it back at you by saying that you make him feel guilty because that's exactly it ....he does feel guilty.
I wouldn't go either op..have some time to yourself and if he feels guilty leaving you at home so be it. That's his problem

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 15:00

Totally reasonable that you don't want to go with your husband when he takes the kids to visit them.

But this comment...

I said it's typical they're coming over when we have the first couple of weeks of no work/school for months together but it is what it is.

...is unreasonable, and I can see why your husband said you were making him feel guilty, in light of that. You're saying you're fine with him going to see them, but then you're also moaning that your time off together is being spoilt by the fact that they've chosen Christmas to come to the UK. I expect that where DH felt you were making him feel guilty for visiting them.

I'm sure they're awful people, but they're doing nothing unreasonable by coming to stay with other family at Christmas. That is a completely normal thing to do.

StaunchMomma · 08/12/2023 15:16

YANBU at all. Your DH is BU for trying to emotionally blackmail you into going, most likely because he doesn't fancy having the kids on his own!

Tell him to get a grip, the cheeky git.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/12/2023 15:37

You made the comment about it being typical for them to visit for the first time you've had some time off together for months - because you were disappointed - and that is fair enough.

I agree with pp that he feels guilty anyway because of his dad and is turning it onto you as the nearest person.

His comment was unkind. But then emotions run high when a parent is suddenly ill and it makes one more aware of the fact that they won't be around forever - so maybe cut him some slack for that.
That is the only thing I would try explaining/apologising for. It's disappointment that plans you had were no longer available.. not that you were trying to make him feel guilty.

You've already said you have no problem with booking work for those days while he visits - so he even has a ready-made excuse for your absence which won't cause offence.

But I agree that you'd probably be happier not going.

There's two ways it could go.
a) they feel so glad to see everyone they manage to be civil, even welcoming towards you, which would be the best outcome all round

or
b) they continue being unpleasant and it becomes very stressful and you wish you hadn't made the effort
Can you get any clue from the relatives they are visiting? Or is it too big a bridge to cross?
Maybe if he visits, that will start the bridge building to the point that there could be a reconciliation, but it would be good to know he would stand up for you if there's any discussion about it.

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