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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I disliked?

26 replies

lula99 · 08/12/2023 11:45

I’ve recently joined a sports group which is very sociable. There are a lot of regulars and it’s 3 times a week with drinks after and a proper social every month.
Ive been there 5 months and I’ve still not been added to the WhatsApp group.
I’ve got friendly with a few people but feel frostiness from a couple. One of them is one of the main organisers for things, otherwise I wouldn’t care. I’ve tried to be friendly but She only responds to my questions, doesn’t ask me anything back and I’ve caught her looking me up and down a couple of times.
I was talking to someone in the group and she was behind us talking to someone else (someone I’ve become friendly with). The person I was talking to through they were talking about us so he turned and said hello to them.
the girl in question just said how they were talking about how people’s boobs can shrink. I was wearing a low cut top that night. Seems like she might have been talking about me?
the guy she was talking to said something to me the next day to imply that they were talking about me and the other guy and wondered whether anything was going on romantically between us.
love the group but hate the negative energy from her. AIBU to think she has a problem with me? Any advice? Thanks!

OP posts:
ChiIIieP · 08/12/2023 12:16

Have you asked to be added to the what's app group? Have you tried making conversation with this person. Usually when you get actually chatting with someone you both realise you actually get on rather than feeling frosty.

Tooshytoshine · 08/12/2023 12:20

She may just be shy or fancy you and feel awkward.

Ask to join the WhatsApp group, it might be run by somebody who doesn't attend very often anymore and nobody else knows how to add you.

It is far less likely that people are talking about you or dislike you.

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 12:22

What reason have they given for refusing to add you to the WhatsApp group when you’ve asked?

tattygrl · 08/12/2023 12:36

Ask to be added. Use the strategy of "not assuming anything unless I've been explicitly told".

It could just be awkwardness. I know I've had a few occasions where I have kept making blunders and saying the wrong thing when trying to chat to someone I don't yet know well, and thinking to myself "oh my god they must be wondering why I'm always saying shit like that". Just one of those awkward stressful social things sometimes, when two people aren't at ease with each other yet!

When in doubt, assume the best. Ask to be added to the whatsapp group, directly chat to her and ask how she is etc., and go from there.

Bireadwhatiread · 08/12/2023 12:38

Who cares? It could be they are talking about you but the way to blend into large groups is to be friendly, easy going and not take offence and make a big deal of it. Shake it off and carry on.

Haydenn · 08/12/2023 12:42

Why is it up to her to add you to the group? Have you asked? Have you given her your number to be added?

Tumbler2121 · 08/12/2023 13:07

If they wanted you in the group they'd have just asked you. Whatsapp groups are used by some people to play inclusion/exclusion. You're probably better out of it.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 08/12/2023 13:29

Some people just can’t cope with new people in their group. It’s not you, it’s the fact that you’re new, that makes them feel uncomfortable. I would believe this is the case, reading this. Been there myself, it’s really unfair.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2023 13:32

You may be disliked, it's impossible to know.

You can ask to join a WA group but bear in mind that people are allowed to have private groups, it doesn't mean they don't like you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 13:36

You are probably overthinking. People tend to take the path of least resistance and don't really like challenging themselves. Their failure to include you is almost certainly inertia rather than conspiracy. They're comfortable in their groups. It's not a deliberate exclusion they just can't be arsed rocking the boat. As for this "looking you up and down" thing I would bet good money that's in your head.

You just have to brazen things like this out and adopt a "don't give a fuck" attitude to these things. I don't mean as in being rude: just don't allow yourself to be destabilised by your fears about what other people might think of you. Crack on. They'll probably come around to you. If they don't, it's not your problem. That's the only way to look at life.

Mamette · 08/12/2023 13:39

My advice is just keep going as you are, don’t react to this person or request to join the WhatsApp.

Continue to be friendly to everyone and build relationships where you can. At some point, it will come up organically about the WhatsApp, and you’ll be added.

This person probably feels a bit threatened by you for whatever reason.

Finestreason · 08/12/2023 13:43

It takes time to settle into a new social group and time to find your place and who you are comfortable with. It takes them time too, to find out who you are and how you behave over time. People might make assumptions about you and be petty and speculate, gossip, etc. just put that aside and focus on the positive interactions that you can achieve and hopefully you will develop solid relationships (even if they aren’t all friendships) within the group. Not everyone has to like each other to be civil and to socialise together.

good luck.

pictoosh · 08/12/2023 13:47

I dunno...are you skilled/pretty/confident/funny/vibrant...any of those things she might feel threatened by?

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 13:48

It's a sports group. You don't have be friends with everyone. Not everyone has to like you, and you don't have to like everyone either.

She hasn't actually been rude to you at any point, has she? You've just decided that she must be talking about you all the time and 'looking you up and down', even though she hasn't said anything unpleasant to you and has always answered any questions you've asked her. She's been civil. That's fine. You don't have to be friends. You've got other people there that you get on with.

Have you actually asked to be added to the WhatsApp group?

Pillboxer · 08/12/2023 13:53

Have you asked the WhatsApp group admin to add you?

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:01

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 12:22

What reason have they given for refusing to add you to the WhatsApp group when you’ve asked?

Christ, this "what did they say when you asked them" question (knowing full well that the op hasn't asked why, and implying that they are stupid or weak for not doing so) is the most irritating thing on the whole of Mumsnet.
Happens all the time on here and is so disingenuous and judgy.

Isanyholeagoal · 08/12/2023 14:04

Agree Reno Dakota, totally condescending. I eye roll every time I see this type of MN nonsense

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 14:07

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:01

Christ, this "what did they say when you asked them" question (knowing full well that the op hasn't asked why, and implying that they are stupid or weak for not doing so) is the most irritating thing on the whole of Mumsnet.
Happens all the time on here and is so disingenuous and judgy.

Show quote history

How do I no full well she hadn’t asked them? Can’t see where in my user name it states I’m a psychic? It was a simple question you absolute judgy loon.

Pillboxer · 08/12/2023 14:09

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:01

Christ, this "what did they say when you asked them" question (knowing full well that the op hasn't asked why, and implying that they are stupid or weak for not doing so) is the most irritating thing on the whole of Mumsnet.
Happens all the time on here and is so disingenuous and judgy.

Show quote history

But the OP has said nothing about whether she’s asked at all, once or repeatedly? Her post involves a lot of catastrophising and mind-reading about what looks on the surface like fairly innocuous behaviour, and assumptions that everyone has to like her. It’s a sports group. There will always be people who don’t much care for some people.

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 14:12

Isanyholeagoal · 08/12/2023 14:04

Agree Reno Dakota, totally condescending. I eye roll every time I see this type of MN nonsense

Edited

Again, where does it say she hadn’t asked? She’s clearly thought a lot about it and chatted to them and asked questions, so why the assumption that she hadn’t asked? If she’s not asked it could very obviously be that nobody has realised she’s not been added to the WhatsApp group yet. If she’s asked and they’ve made excuses then it may be they don’t like here. Atleast I asked for more info rather than bitching at random posters and providing no other contribution.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 08/12/2023 14:19

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:01

Christ, this "what did they say when you asked them" question (knowing full well that the op hasn't asked why, and implying that they are stupid or weak for not doing so) is the most irritating thing on the whole of Mumsnet.
Happens all the time on here and is so disingenuous and judgy.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more. It's so passive aggressive or something. Not pleasant

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 08/12/2023 14:27

just ask to be added by one of the warmer coordinators. Remind them if need be. Carry on like you haven’t noticed miss frosty pants behaviour. It may just be a bit of jealousy on her part

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:33

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 14:07

How do I no full well she hadn’t asked them? Can’t see where in my user name it states I’m a psychic? It was a simple question you absolute judgy loon.

Show quote history

Absolute judgy loon 🤣🤣🤣
I will seriously consider that when looking for my next username.

Your question wasn't about op asking to be in the WhatsApp group but was about her demanding to know why they have REFUSED to add her. Totally different meaning and clearly the op hadn't asked that.

I quote, verbatim:

"What reason have they given for refusing to add you to the WhatsApp group when you’ve asked?"

That is a tad confrontational. And totally disingenuous. And the exact same hectoring question gets asked on here all the time.

pictoosh · 08/12/2023 14:44

"That is a tad confrontational. And totally disingenuous. And the exact same hectoring question gets asked on here all the time."

It does and it's tedious...but I must confess I've been saving it for an appropriate rl scenario. Tis rather tart.

TeaKitten · 08/12/2023 14:47

RenoDakota · 08/12/2023 14:33

Absolute judgy loon 🤣🤣🤣
I will seriously consider that when looking for my next username.

Your question wasn't about op asking to be in the WhatsApp group but was about her demanding to know why they have REFUSED to add her. Totally different meaning and clearly the op hadn't asked that.

I quote, verbatim:

"What reason have they given for refusing to add you to the WhatsApp group when you’ve asked?"

That is a tad confrontational. And totally disingenuous. And the exact same hectoring question gets asked on here all the time.

Show quote history

Yeah I didn’t demand. The confrontational one here is you, attacking for asking a question. Judging all the same. It’s a pretty reasonable question as OP hasn’t said she hasn’t asked. And the answer is relevant.