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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me, or are so many people so so pessimistic?

51 replies

VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 09:56

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that life is all wonderful and perfect. Crap happens. But when I come on here, it seems as if everything is gloom. People seeing life in the worst possible light, and always attributing the worst motives to people. I am thinking that part of it is being online and people venting, but it is a little overwhelming at times. In my life, I just don't encounter so much unpleasantness and I don't think that people are as meanspirited and venal as this forum would suggest.

YABU: Life is real, life is earnest. Stop being Pollyanna.

YANBU: People on here would complain that world peace would put arms manufacturers out of a job.

OP posts:
Pillboxer · 08/12/2023 14:17

VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:07

Because pessimistic people (or at least those who can't keep their pessimism to themselves) are a massive downer to be around. If you (general) are the sort of person who always sees the negative side and is always moaning, you are not pleasant to be around. I'm not talking about when someone has a genuine issue or problem: oddly enough, though, pessimists don't tend to talk about those so much. It is either moaning on endlessly about the government and perceived social ills, or being paranoid about Covid years after the fact, or some other made up bullshit. I have had to end friendships with people because they are such Debbie Downers.

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Honestly, your responses on here suggest you lack both imagination and theory of mind. Other people don’t experience the world as you do. You’re coming also close to blaming pessimists for their own misfortunes.

SpudleyLass · 08/12/2023 14:20

You sound fortunate. Lots of people in the UK are not and are having to live hand to mouth.

Cost of living is reaching those who previously though themselves comfortable.

I think it's a little of column a and a little of column b. Some people find it hard to not notice the negatives because that is their reality and others tend to not the negatives because it either isn't their reality or they otherwise don't have experience of how quickly things can go sideways.

If we want to see less pessimism, let's build an economy that uplifts all and not just the elite few.

AllGoneToPott · 08/12/2023 14:22

I always try to envisage the best case scenario, saves a lot of anxiety and wasted energy.

Barnowlsandbluebells · 08/12/2023 14:24

Catza · 08/12/2023 12:55

In our house MN is affectionately called "the toxic waste dump"
I go on here to remind myself how lucky I am no never have encountered so many angry women IRL

Yep, I don't know anyone remotely like the whingers on here. Great entertainment though!!

Original poster
VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:25

SpudleyLass · 08/12/2023 14:20

You sound fortunate. Lots of people in the UK are not and are having to live hand to mouth.

Cost of living is reaching those who previously though themselves comfortable.

I think it's a little of column a and a little of column b. Some people find it hard to not notice the negatives because that is their reality and others tend to not the negatives because it either isn't their reality or they otherwise don't have experience of how quickly things can go sideways.

If we want to see less pessimism, let's build an economy that uplifts all and not just the elite few.

If we want to see less pessimism, let's build an economy that uplifts all and not just the elite few.

Now that I can get behind for sure! Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I have no compassion for those struggling (I give generously to foodbanks and other charities) It is more the tone of a lot of people on Mumsnet I object to, some of whom are definitely not struggling.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:25

VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:17

Yeah 'toxic positivity' is something that is spouted by people who complain all the time, at least in my experience. It is usually used by people who trauma dump a lot and whose friends and family are probably at the end of their rope listening to them.

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Maybe you're just incompatible with a fair chunk of people because you need people to mirror your feelings?

I'm able to get along with pessimists and optimists most if the time, although people who are very draining I give a wide berth. And similarly people who are Pollyanna-ish I can tolerate but I don't connect with them as they seem to live in la-la land.

But a real friend can listen to someone in need, IMO.

Original poster
VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:26

AllGoneToPott · 08/12/2023 14:22

I always try to envisage the best case scenario, saves a lot of anxiety and wasted energy.

Same here. Not to toot my own horn, but I am an intelligent person. I am capable of expecting the best while having a contingency plan for if and when things go not so well. I am not going to waste my energy borrowing trouble.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:27

AllGoneToPott · 08/12/2023 14:22

I always try to envisage the best case scenario, saves a lot of anxiety and wasted energy.

The academic research is that pessimists often achieve better practical outcomes, although they don't necessarily feel as happy despite that.

So for example, they often save more for retirement or get checked earlier with worrying health symptoms.

It is a permanent human paradox really. Finding that middle ground is a life's work.

Original poster
VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:27

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:25

Maybe you're just incompatible with a fair chunk of people because you need people to mirror your feelings?

I'm able to get along with pessimists and optimists most if the time, although people who are very draining I give a wide berth. And similarly people who are Pollyanna-ish I can tolerate but I don't connect with them as they seem to live in la-la land.

But a real friend can listen to someone in need, IMO.

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That's interesting. I wouldn't say I exactly need people to mirror my feelings, but I do have to vibe with people and people who are constantly negative ain't it. I think that it a separate issue from being unable to listen to someone in genuine need.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 08/12/2023 14:28

I’m pretty pessimistic. It’s a protective thing though. If I expect the worst I won’t be disappointed right, then if it’s better it’s great.

I don’t go around telling people everything’s shit or whatever though more a have to give birth, probably going to be in labour for days, end up with an emergency section eugh so shit thought process to myself about myself. Booked a holiday eugh bet I’m going to have to get the cleaners back out because they always miss something, 98% of the time they have, but that 2% I don’t is amazing.

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:31

I’m pretty pessimistic. It’s a protective thing though. If I expect the worst I won’t be disappointed right, then if it’s better it’s great.

Both pessimism AND optimism are protection mechanisms. True acceptance - of our complete lack of control and the randomness of life - is really hard.

Waitingfordoggo · 08/12/2023 14:33

I’m a massive pessimist and always have been but I mask it by pretending to be cheerful so hopefully I don’t bring other people down. Certainly if I ever tell people I’m a pessimist, they are surprised (apart from my very nearest and dearest who know what a miserable, cynical bastard I am but who enjoy my company anyway because I’m quite funny, despite or perhaps because of my malaise 😂)

I find relentlessly positive people very grating because it’s unrealistic- not everything can have a positive spin put on it and some of these people seem almost pathologically averse to anyone ever saying anything that could be construed as negative. It’s all ‘Oh well! At least xyz…’ Sometimes people just want to have a moan and they have a right to.

Having said that, I wouldn’t hang out just with other pessimists because I’m already miserable and they will make me worse 😂

Whalewatchers · 08/12/2023 14:34

I try to be positive and have a naturally happy disposition. My granddad is 93 and he thinks his positive outlook on life is a significant contributory factor to his longevity (yes, I know of miserable people who have had long lives and positive people who died young, thank you internet trolls).

Original poster
VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:37

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:31

I’m pretty pessimistic. It’s a protective thing though. If I expect the worst I won’t be disappointed right, then if it’s better it’s great.

Both pessimism AND optimism are protection mechanisms. True acceptance - of our complete lack of control and the randomness of life - is really hard.

I don't think that's the case. We do not have 'complete lack of control'. To say that we do is as foolish as saying we have complete control. There are certain patterns of life that if you follow, you will get your desired outcome. It is about being smart enough to learn from observation and having enough faith in yourself to go for what you want and enforce your boundaries. 'God give me the courage to change what can be changed, the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference'.

OP posts:
the80sweregreat · 08/12/2023 14:37

I'm definitely a glass half empty persons
Optimistic bright side people are just too much sometimes. Nothing wrong with cynicism

Desecratedcoconut · 08/12/2023 14:40

No, there's good research to suggest that optimists live longer, live healthier lives and bounce back quicker than pessimists. There's a really good book by Martin Seligman (sp?) about it. There are societal benefits to having pessimists around but they don't fair very well as individuals in comparison.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 08/12/2023 14:41

Comedycook · 08/12/2023 09:59

I think the opposite. I am a very pessimistic person...it's a family trait on my father's side. I find most people weirdly optimistic..I often wonder why they can't see how crap a lot of things actually are

I don't think it's that they can't see how crap a lot of things are, it's that they choose to put a positive spin on things and look on the bright side.

I have a friend who is the most pessimistic, negative person ever and she thinks, and has voiced, that she is so superior to everyone and that she's the only one who is switched on enough to see how shit everything is and to notice every little mistake that folk make. It's very tiresome and the reason that I'm trying to fade the friendship out.

Bireadwhatiread · 08/12/2023 14:42

Most of the stuff people get angry about is tiny and quickly forgotten. We get annoyed by others but they also get annoyed by us. So I let lots of stuff slide because I am also not perfect and I like having friends, a house and a job. I know people come on here to moan but it used to be 50/50 people enjoying, celebrating, joking and complaining and now it's about 85/15. I get we've had covid and Brexit but sometimes we have to make the effort to enjoy stuff too,

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:44

VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:37

I don't think that's the case. We do not have 'complete lack of control'. To say that we do is as foolish as saying we have complete control. There are certain patterns of life that if you follow, you will get your desired outcome. It is about being smart enough to learn from observation and having enough faith in yourself to go for what you want and enforce your boundaries. 'God give me the courage to change what can be changed, the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference'.

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Do you really believe your positive mindset will protect you from cancer? May as well wear a rabbit's foot.

CalistoNoSolo · 08/12/2023 14:49

Dotjones · 08/12/2023 13:53

An optimist is usually deluded. The world is shit, for someone not to realise that they must either be quite stupid or they must be so self-centred they don't give a damn what other people experience just as long as they themselves ok.

Gosh, I bet you're a barrel of laughs at a party. People must seek you out for your happy go lucky repartee.

Butchyrestingface · 08/12/2023 14:51

I am ice-calm in high stress/crisis situations: I put this down to my naturally pessimistic/catastrophising nature. 😃 I don’t go around saying “woe, woe and thrice woe”, but I always imagine the worst possible outcome and mentally steel myself by imagining what I would do - ie, “if A happens, then B”.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/12/2023 14:56

I try to stay optimistic as it’s good for MH, but at the same time always live by ‘’ expect the worst and you’re never disappointed’’ which is actually a really good mantra because if the worst happens you’re prepared, if things turn out better you’re elated! Win, win 🤣

Original poster
VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:57

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:44

Do you really believe your positive mindset will protect you from cancer? May as well wear a rabbit's foot.

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As I said earlier, death and taxes are inevitable. The fact that you felt the need for a reductio ad absurdum means that your argument is on shaky ground. Talking of cancer, though, I have an example that illustrates what my worldview is. On his deathbed, my father (who died of lung cancer) said that he did not regret smoking, because he had enjoyed it at the time (he died almost thirty years ago, was born in 1938 so smoking was not known to be as dangerous as we now know it to be) To me, that is the perfect mindset. He had enjoyed his life at the time, even the activity that shortened it. He was the least whiny and negative person you could ever hope to meet. He was also one of the most popular.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 14:59

VanityDiesHard · 08/12/2023 14:57

As I said earlier, death and taxes are inevitable. The fact that you felt the need for a reductio ad absurdum means that your argument is on shaky ground. Talking of cancer, though, I have an example that illustrates what my worldview is. On his deathbed, my father (who died of lung cancer) said that he did not regret smoking, because he had enjoyed it at the time (he died almost thirty years ago, was born in 1938 so smoking was not known to be as dangerous as we now know it to be) To me, that is the perfect mindset. He had enjoyed his life at the time, even the activity that shortened it. He was the least whiny and negative person you could ever hope to meet. He was also one of the most popular.

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My point is we don't have control.

I think blind optimism is no more sensible than constant pessimism.

I don't think I am very different to most people - I am muddling my way through life, as are you.

SirenSays · 08/12/2023 15:02

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
A train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.