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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with brother

23 replies

sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 09:40

My mum is selling her house to move in with her partner so she can give my brother and his young family money to buy their own house. I've said I don't need any money as DP and I work hard and although we aren't wealthy we get by each month with what we make.

My mum called me in floods of tears to say that my brother hasn't sorted out the small mortgage he needed for the new property and she was supposed to be exchanging today. I can hear how stressed she is, my brother was off yesterday and
Could have sorted this. Instead he sends me all his documents asking if I can read them because he's never bought a house before. Normally i would say yes but it seems a pattern that I'm only called when the shit hits the fan or they need something.

In a moment of rage I messaged my brother to say he was being unreasonable and why did he expect my mum to purchase the whole of his house. Previously he had said he's never been wanted to have a mortgage.

My dad gave him £20k I think for the house renovations and my mums DP is sponsoring his gas course.

Up until I had DC I would always go round at the weekend to spend time with his kids or take them out etc. I've always bought them birthday presents etc and my brother hasn't been over to see my or DC at my new home which we've been living in for a few months.

The message I had back has made me cry so much... he said I'm selfish and only think about myself.
I pointed out that I'd invited him round a few times to see me but as we have a small baby driving to theirs was a bit challenging at the minute.

I've helped buy kids books and helped out with legal issues in the past. I've wrote letters to school for him... all sorts as I'm big sis and always felt that was my job.

He doesn't know how lucky he is to have such a supportive family but I think enough is enough and the stress of the messages is too much. My partner thinks he's a selfish person who leaches off others and after 15 years of DP and I being together I think he's right and I've finally seen that.
Such hurtful messages which were unnecessary to send...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 08/12/2023 09:45

Tell him to pay a solicitor to do it for him.

Baldieheid · 08/12/2023 09:48

I don't know that you need to cut all contact with him, but it sounds like you do need to back away from feeling that you have to be the one rescuing him.

He's an adult. He has a family. He's a bit pathetic if he can't even talk to a bank about a mortgage (assuming you're not going to drip feed special needs in).

I'd help him this time as its your Mum suffering, but tell him he's expected to be an adult from now on. You'll advise, guide, give him pointers, yes, but ffs stop doing things for him, all of you. Let him grow up.

MintJulia · 08/12/2023 09:53

Yanbu

Just tell him he is an adult and needs to either engage a solicitor or do it himself.

No need to cut contact, just accept that your brother is lazy and selfish, and you need to tell him No, a lot more often.

Care less about what he says. Your dh is right.

DinoDays · 08/12/2023 09:56

He's a lazy, self self-centred little shit!

You don't need to cut contact but just back away. Don't help him. Don't go out your way. You have your own family to look after now.

Give your time and effort (and money) to your partner and baby!

Can't believe your parents are giving him money for a house and you Fuck all!!

Obviously being a manipulative brat has worked out for your brother!

dontgobaconmyheart · 08/12/2023 10:07

I'd be firmly advising my parents that I didn't support them in this and that I felt he was very blatantly taking advantage of them for every penny. Did he ever realistically plan to get the mortgage do you think or was this the plan all along - to wait until the 11th hour and then use the stress of the situation to prompt your parents into just dealing with it.

I would cut contact with someone like this, yes, and telling them in no uncertain terms what I thought of them. If he wants help with a mortgage application he's had the entire time to arrange that. It does seem more like he just doesn't want to pay for it and now hopes to use the same tactics (guilt tripping and manipulation) to get things out of people. As if he can't call a solicitor himself or ring his bank.

Unless there's more to this and he is medically incapable then there is no excuses to be made, he's awful. It's not your job to look after an adult man, and I wouldn't take to heart the messages of somebody like him anyway- he's just hoping you'll feel guilty and he'll get something out of that. That isn't brotherly love, he clearly doesn't overly care about the welfare of you or your parents, he just wants his money/house.

BMW6 · 08/12/2023 10:14

Your brother is a waste of space and frankly I don't think much of your Mum either for her obvious bias towards her Golden Child

Tell them both to sort out their own shit and not lean on you.

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 10:18

DinoDays · 08/12/2023 09:56

He's a lazy, self self-centred little shit!

You don't need to cut contact but just back away. Don't help him. Don't go out your way. You have your own family to look after now.

Give your time and effort (and money) to your partner and baby!

Can't believe your parents are giving him money for a house and you Fuck all!!

Obviously being a manipulative brat has worked out for your brother!

I'm happy with not having anything would you believe.
I don't think money makes people happy in the long run anyway.

I've got a healthy baby and a loving partner and I'm thankful for my health and I'm happy with that :) sounds silly but I really am. Mum couldn't get them out of her house so it was her only option as they were free loading on her

OP posts:
2jacqi · 08/12/2023 10:21

@sunlover1123 confused! why is your mum upset? she is not buying the house for your brother is she?? she is only selling her house so the cash she receives would be in her bank till he needs it! unless, he is buying HER house?????

RandomButtons · 08/12/2023 10:23

Your brother sounds like a freeloader and your mother has been enabling him. She needs to say to him it’s not her problem that he hasn’t sorted mortgage. She cracks on and sells her house and the deposit is put in her bank account for when he’s sorted his stuff out.

DinoDays · 08/12/2023 13:19

@sunlover1123 doesn't sound silly at all.

You sound lovely. :)

Enjoy that baby!

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 13:25

2jacqi · 08/12/2023 10:21

@sunlover1123 confused! why is your mum upset? she is not buying the house for your brother is she?? she is only selling her house so the cash she receives would be in her bank till he needs it! unless, he is buying HER house?????

My mum is using the proceeds of her sale to buy him a house. He called me to have a chat. Brought up something I'd done in the past I'd apologised for and then said it didn't matter as we were never really close as family anyway.

I cried because I felt really sad by it all and realise he is just not a nice human and has a chip on his shoulder. My parents divorced and I went off to uni and his life fell apart. That's not my fault but I'm starting to see he blames me for all of his shortcomings.

I've got to have one last Christmas with him at mums for the kids sake and then I'm done. His DC's love my DC so they will be sad if we don't go.

He's just so selfish and self entitled. Told me I shouldn't have tried to help my mum with the house stuff. Basically just help when it suits him,

Anyone else not speak to a sibling?

OP posts:
Ohtobetwentytwo · 08/12/2023 13:25

Little brothers are often like that, the baby of the family and do fuck all and expect people to dance to their tune. And if he is the baby of the family then it seems everyone does.

In your shoes, I'd (fake) apologise for getting shirty, blame sleeplessness and stress and ask to move on.

Then I would stay the fuck away from him and have a civilised, as necessary, superficial relationship with him. Some people are just like that and they will never change.

Siblings arent all that.

IamFamousIam · 08/12/2023 13:28

What happens if your mum and her partner split. Does she have enough to live on.
What happens if your mum needs care. Will giving the money to your brother be seen as deprivation of assets.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/12/2023 13:32

He didn't arrange a mortgage so your mother can't move and so he doesn't have to go anywhere? Sounds like he's done this on purpose.

If I were your mother I'd go ahead with selling the house but put the money in a trust for the grandchildren. DB can sort himself out now.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 08/12/2023 13:32

In response to "does anyone else not speak to a sibling"...

More or less but we are polite about it.

Its unspoken that we do the absolute minimum to appease parents that we are still in eachother lives...a christmas card, a text now and then and obligatory invitations to weddings and christening etc.

Neither of us want the hassle of being fallen out but we have no meaningful relationship. It's easier this way. Sad, but easier.

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 13:33

IamFamousIam · 08/12/2023 13:28

What happens if your mum and her partner split. Does she have enough to live on.
What happens if your mum needs care. Will giving the money to your brother be seen as deprivation of assets.

She can live with us I guess and I'd care for mum. We did it for nan so before you say anything .... I know what it involves.

Mums DP said the house he is living in can be 50/50 as she's got some proceeds from the house to put in.

As for the rest no idea.

Why are some siblings so spiteful?? The energy to be like that.... must be exhausting

OP posts:
Original poster
sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 13:35

Ohtobetwentytwo · 08/12/2023 13:32

In response to "does anyone else not speak to a sibling"...

More or less but we are polite about it.

Its unspoken that we do the absolute minimum to appease parents that we are still in eachother lives...a christmas card, a text now and then and obligatory invitations to weddings and christening etc.

Neither of us want the hassle of being fallen out but we have no meaningful relationship. It's easier this way. Sad, but easier.

Edited

I think this will be us then. Shame but you can't help it so why worry. Sorry to hear that. Going through it now I understand it's tough...Flowers

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 13:45

Anyone else not speak to a sibling?

More people than you might think as it is not widely talked about. This charity supports people. It has some stats that might be of interest https://www.standalone.org.uk/

Stand Alone - supporting estranged adults in everyday life

Stand Alone provides support to adults that are estranged from their family or a key family member. There are times when it's right to walk away...

https://www.standalone.org.uk

Projectme · 08/12/2023 13:59

In answer to 'anyone else not speak to a sibling?' yes, me. I won't go onto details on here as it is distressing to even think about it (I'm receiving therapy)

Do I feel bad? Not in the slightest; not one iota. He is a very nasty, violent, volatile individual who thinks the whole world owes him something (and his partner is just the same).

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 08/12/2023 14:59

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 13:45

Anyone else not speak to a sibling?

More people than you might think as it is not widely talked about. This charity supports people. It has some stats that might be of interest https://www.standalone.org.uk/

Thank you! Reading this made total sense and although I've been in therapy before I think I'll do it again to make sense of it all x

OP posts:
HarpieDuJour · 09/12/2023 12:25

Do you think he's being slow and difficult in the hope that your mum will give up and sign her house over to him? (Voice of bitter experience!). It isn't a sane or reasonable hope, but who knows? He seems quite used to your mum giving him whatever he wants, maybe that's his plan.

I have three siblings and one half sibling, and I have no relationship with any of them. At various times I have tried, but they all see kindness as weakness and try to either make me responsible for their problems, or make me run around after them.

Snippit · 09/12/2023 12:42

You can pick your friends, unfortunately you can’t pick your family!

I have little contact with my younger brother due to him being a lying prick. When he got divorced he was 15k short of buying his soon to be lovely ex wife out, so dad stepped in to LOAN it to him. He never made any attempt to pay him back. When my dad passed I spoke to the prick to ask him to pay the money back for my mum to survive without having to release equity in her home. He blew his top and swore it wasn’t a loan, I know it was because dad would mention to me how disappointed he was that he hadn’t tried to pay it back.

He is remarried, they have good jobs, flashy cars and large house, he’s an utterly selfish wanker. He rang mum up after I confronted him to say himself and his wife had no objection to her releasing equity in her home 🤬

Mum is now on the verge of having no savings left, the boiler died recently and that was a large expense. She has however adjusted the will so the little shit will be receiving a lesser portion of the estate 🤣. He has literally abandoned her, but we make sure she’s ok and my hubby does the DIY jobs when required. I’m staggered at how selfish he has become, he even asked my poor dad for some money towards his second marriage, he should have told him to piss off.

Projectme · 09/12/2023 23:26

That's awful @Snippit

Kind of thing my 'd'B would have engineered if he'd been able to. Utter scum.

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