Boyfriend guilt tripping

[Pepper186]

I am 30y and starting with early menopause, confirmed with a doctor. I have 1 child from previous relationship, boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. We had a fantastic sex life, but a couple of months ago things started changing. I noticed a few things on myself and ive been in a lot of pain probably since Jan. Still i tried to please him as often as i could, i would suck it up and continue. But now its gotten to the point where nothing is comfortable and its a constant ache. Ive gotten low self esteem because of it and im always exhausted, not to mention the bloating and irritability. On top of that, my child (11) is living with grandma in another country until the 21st of December, then she will be coming back, i found out via videocall that grandma beats her till she bleeds and yells vile things at her, aswell as cut all her hair of, saying if she wants to be gay she should look like one.

Now im stressed, going through menopause at such a young age, dealing with pain and fearing for my childs life, not to mention that i wont have more kids and cant give him any. Which is causing terrible heartache as were both so young and he definately wants a few.

So last night he told me his stomach hurts and then went to the loo, he waa taking long so i got worried and asked if his ok. He got upset and told me i ruind his pleasure and he couldnt finnish. He got annoyed, i cried feeling guilty, we ended up having a huge fight.
Previously he told me that he understands we cant have sex but i can atleast give him a handjob, which im unable to do because of the reasons above.

I must also add, i compliment him alot, i still kiss him, and hug him, im also an excessive cuddler and we shower together sometimes, we do other intimate things aswell even though it doesnt end in a happy ending, he is still getting love from my part, as much as i can give at the moment.

Now i want to know, am i being unreasonable?
I just dont know what to do anymore, i feel like ending the relationship. What would you do?

I think your boyfriend is the least of your issues here…

I must add i am from South Africa, so i dont need any legal advice regarding my child, i got the earliest flight i could to get her away from that place. She will soon be here and i videocall every day to check up on her. Grandma is extremely sick and was diagnosed, she normally isnt so extreme. Just thought i should mention that to.

I want to show this tread to boyfriend because he says his just asking for love and im being unreasonable and not listening. Help me understand if im the one thats wrong.

I'd be focusing on your dd and planning her coming, making sure she has the support she will need.

But

Yes it is normal to not want sex when your child is being abused in a different country
The menopause can mess your sex drive up.
You should not feel you have to give sex.
Your boyfriend should not be pressuring you to have sex/ give hand jobs
It's fine for your bf to wank but you are not a mind reader
You are not 'to blame' if he does wank

Sex aside are you happy in this relationship? Is he kind supportive and understanding?
His pressuring you and lack of understanding about what you are going through makes him sound like a bad guy.

This bf is a selfish wanker (pun intended) concentrate on your dd, he should be supporting you with this.
You need to rethink pleasing him with “ happy endings “ to keep him happy. Keeping him happy is not your job, that is his own. Concentrate on your dd. She doesn’t need this shit to come home to,
I hope your health issues improve.

Obviously you have more important things going on and he should be able to put his sexual frustration aside at such a difficult time. As others have said, I think this depends on whether he is otherwise a good partner or if this is a pattern of putting his needs before yours.

If he is otherwise a good partner, I would highlight a few things that may help communication around the issue. Men often get physical arousal as the first part of sexual arousal, whereas for women there is often cognition involved that leads to sexual arousal, and physical arousal isn’t something that will go away for him regardless of circumstances. There is also research that shows that empathy in men reduces when they are sexually aroused. He may also not have any idea when this period of sexlessness will end and may be used to sex being part of his emotional validation.

None of this means you are required to have sex with him or that he is entitled to expect it. However, if you value the relationship and are not confident your sexual drive/interest will return once your daughter is safe, then it is probably worth a conversation about how he manages his sexual feelings in the meantime. There is nothing wrong with masturbating and he should feel comfortable to satisfy his needs himself. Obviously he doesn’t need to announce to you that he’s doing it, but if you communicate about the fact you have no issue with him doing it and now you won’t disturb him if he seeks some alone time (not your fault you were concerned before), then he may feel more able to do this.

It may be that he needs to seek some support himself with coping with the loss regarding not being able to have children together and your previously positive sex life. However, that is his responsibility and he should not be adding to your stress when you are going through so much yourself.

are you getting some support?