Sleep and maternity leave

[Aquariass]

Hi all.

I’m hoping to get some opinions on this scenario to share with my partner.

Our second born is almost 5 months old. I breastfed exclusively for three months and now combi feed. I am on mat leave and my partner works full time.

Now, I do 95% of night wakings throughout the week and on weekends. My partner will tell me to wake him if I need help which I try not to do but have done a handful of times when I really needed an extra hand.

Last night was rough, I haven’t slept properly in four weeks and I am running on adrenaline. My partner also coaches sport two nights a week and plays matches all day every Saturday, so a significant portion of parenting falls on me with little time to rest. This morning my four year old woke at 5:30 and was being noisy and asking ti go downstairs. I asked her to wake her dad so that I could get some extra sleep. He told her he needed five more minutes, so she inevitably came back in to me and was crying and asking me to wake up. I was beyond angry at this because he knows how poorly I have been sleeping due to our son being awake during the night for 3 hour stretches.

He get up shortly after me and asked why I was moody, I explained I’m exhausted and frustrated that he didn’t just wake up when our daughter came to him.

He absolutely does not see my point and said he needed that time to slowly wake up, but he knows by telling her to go she will just come and ask me. I feel so unheard and I feel this is unfair. All I expect him to do is wake up with her when I’ve done all night every night for the last five months bar a handful where he’s given our son the odd bottle.

How is the division of nights and mornings shared in other households? I feel he thinks I can rest in the day, I can’t because our son only cat naps.

what is his job?

If you do the majority of the baby wakings then I would expect him to get up with your older child. Why couldn't he have suggested the child gets into bed with him with a book or something whilst he wakes up slowly?
Do you get a break at all at weekends?

He absolutely does not see my point and said he needed that time to slowly wake u

fuck that! I'm in a similar situation and we don't get to "slowly wake up" when the baby is crying every 2h! There is no time for that, he needs to get a grip!

I don’t get time at weekends because he coaches sport and plays matches which take up the whole day usually from 11am until around 8:30pm if he isn’t playing locally, which is often.

He needs to drop the weekend activities and prioritise his family. I got my rest / sleep time back at weekends. That was the deal. As for telling a 4yo he needs 5 more minutes...

Sundays are usually a family day where he requests that we don’t see anyone as he doesn’t often get time with us alone. I quite like to visit other family members all together on Sundays but he doesn’t because he wants that time just us.

As for the division of things in my household, we don't have a strict division but I do most of the night feeds as I'm still mostly breastfeeding. We are starting to introduce some bottles and he does those.

But generally speaking with 2 kids we tend to get up at the same time and do things together with one or the other kid. We don't set fixes tasks, we just go with the flow together.

Occasionally one of us stays in bed late on weekends if the other is ok taking both kids for an hour or so (they tend to wake up at 6).
If I have had a particularly bad night with the baby, I will ask my husband to sleep a bit longer. And if I know he has had a particularly bad week at work I will do the same for him.

Sounds like it all revolves around what he likes doing. Meanwhile you're run ragged and he doesn't help, and you can't even use time to see your family? Unless you do that when he's using all of Saturday. He needs to see how this looks, and make some changes.

This is awful OP, I am angry for you! He needs to drop the sport until your baby is older. I am on mat leave with my second, dh works full time but he takes both kids every morning so I can lie in, and has arranged his schedule to do this. He knows I can't nap in the daytime to catch up (same boat as you) so wouldn't expect me to do it all.

No-one can deal with night wakings for 2 children and stay healthy. He should be in charge of 1 of the children overnight every night. That means getting up with them immediately, not palming them off onto you by 'waking up slowly'. He should drop the football until kids are a bit older. His selfishness is unreal. I feel angry on your behalf.

How is this relevant?

@Aquariass so the one thing you want to do for yourself all week (visit other family) you're not allowed?
He needs to either drop the coaching or the Saturday all day sport (do an hour in the gym instead)) or a day at work so that he can help
More at home

We have a 2 month old and a 4 year old.
DH works full time, I am on mat leave. He does one night feed every night (we bottle feed). Sun - Thurs I do the 12am feed and he does 4am which means he gets a longer stretch. Fri - Sat he does 12am, I do 4am. He understands that as we have another one, I can't nap during the day as things need to get done, I also wouldn't really be able to as baby will only sleep on me currently in the day.

If our eldest wakes, or dog needs anything, we generally take it in turns however 75% of the time DH sorts it as I'm the one who sill wake and pay and shh baby if baby is stirring.

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

That should say pat and shh

Personally in your situation I'd be asking him to drop the level of sports he does and contribute at home. I don't really understand how in so many households, when a baby is born, nothing changes for the man and the woman ends up an absolute zombie. I have friends whose marriages have broken down because they've done all of the child rearing from day dot whilst their husbands have continued going to the gym x5 a week, playing golf, signing up for flipping triathlons whilst the mum is running on empty. It isn't for a long time, but for a couple of years, your DH needs to strip this back and focus at home. If he's too tired to get up, he is too tired for these things IMO.

Or, he makes sure you get just as much time to yourself as he is getting, including unbroken sleep and time away from the home if you need/want.

You're not unreasonable.
I'm breastfeeding my 3 month old so do all wake ups. The eldest is my partner's responsibility! He is sleeping in the spare room to get some sleep so deals with her coming in (I send her to daddy when she wakes up) - whether that's putting her back to bed or getting up with her.
Kids don't understand 5 more minutes!

You know yanbu. Did you post about this recently? And got told yanbu?

Time to wake up slowly lols, like you get that with a screaming baby.

Ask if you can have two weeknights and a full weekend day child free too, plus being able to call the shots on the other weekend day.

More fool you for putting up with this, you know it's unreasonable so say no.

Sorry OP. That sounds horrid.

We have a 3.5 year old and a 7 month old. We wake with the kids alternate mornings, so no one person is left to struggle alone. You must be beyond tired at this point! I’m so sorry!

You need to sit him down and read him the riot act! This cannot carry on!

Can’t you send your 4yo back to bed? Does she have a grow-clock or similar?

He doesn't get time with you alone? Whose fault is that?

Who made him the boss of your household? Who does he think he is?! This isn't the 1950s anymore, he can piss off! He wants you running around exhausted while he swans off for his fun, and then wants you all available for "family time" when it suits him, looking like the family man.

If he was an actual family man, he'd be doing his bit instead of leaving all the drudgery to you. Needs to wake up slowly my arse! Selfish twat.

I haven’t posted before, it’s even more depressing to think someone else is going through this. I’ve just sent him many ranting voice notes. Not my finest moment but I have to voice it whilst the fire is in me I’m afraid.

He listened and says he understands and supports me but I reiterated that support isn’t words. Words are fucking pathetic at this point.

I have told him I’m not willing to put up with this anymore. I have a very supportive family and would cope without him, as I practically do now anyway. I have told him he needs to sort his shit out or I’ll leave because the resentment is hurting my soul and sucking the enjoyment out of my life to be frank.

Thank to you all for giving me the fire to lay it all out to him. I don’t want to say these things to friends and family because it of course would impact their feelings toward him. I am grateful for this space.

It's infuriating how different the impact of having children can be on men vs women. He continues his hobbies, you don't even get to sleep.

There was another thread where a woman's partner went off sports coaching all the time. Which is a nice thing to do but your own family's needs come first, surely.

Would it help to write down all the things you do and all the things he does in an average week, then compare? You should have roughly equal leisure time, and aim for both of you having sufficient sleep. Which isn't necessarily equal amounts of sleep but isn't you doing all wake ups and mornings either.

Men grow up not seeing housework and childcare as work and magically continue not seeing it unless you insist on not being the one who magically does it.

Yeah, he's out of order.

I BF and did all night wakings. DH would get up at any time in the night and in the morning with our older child (and also grab the baby in the morning so I could have a lie in).

Just because you are on mat leave doesn't mean he gets a break from parenting. You're on mat leave to look after a newborn and recover from pregnancy/birth.

DH did all early starts with the 3 year old when I was doing night wakings with the baby (breastfed)

I think it's time for you to go away for a night - if baby is combo fed, should be doable at this point