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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

These bad parenting choices

64 replies

Merryandbright1170 · 08/12/2023 06:37

I've known this couple for a few years and our children go to the same school. I totally understand people parent differently but some of their choices have had me shocked.

The other week a few of us went over to theirs and the mum hosted us ladies for a get together and some drinks. They have a large summer house quite far from their main house and it is slightly cut off by hedges etc. Anyway all was fine. The dad then joins us as I assume he's put the children to bed. He begins drinking. So both parents are in the summer house drinking and can't hear or see really the main house. One of their children had been extremely poorly that week, whereby they had to have strong medication. This was 3 days previous. So I was pretty shocked to see the dad join us.

During this night also I found out that they have large parties with various random people attending whilst their children are in the house. They said that they dabble in drugs and so do others. She was telling a story that one time her DC came down as they were hungry and she was off her face so had to get her husband to sort it out and send their child back to bed. I mean wtf! Their children are lower primary age.

Aibu to be very concerned about this......

OP posts:
Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 08/12/2023 09:14

It's rubbish but social services will do fuck all with that situation

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 08/12/2023 09:45

How different is this to the madeleine Mcann case?
Children in bed asleep, parents within seeing distance of the property the children are in, whilst they enjoyed each others company, a few drinks and their evening meal.

They thought they were safe, but they were not and one of the children was taken.

How many people have cried out, where are social services? Why haven't they intervened since? They STILL have children!

PurpleElf · 08/12/2023 10:02

The summer house issue is clearly about the fact the parents are not in the same building so if the children wake and need help, they might not be able to find their parents. Also, if there is an emergency, like a fire, the parents are not immediately there to get the children to safety. It’s selfish and negligent and shows you the parents care more about having a jolly in the garden than their children’s physical and emotional welfare.

I feel the same about the drug use. It doesn’t matter to me whether the drug is coke, weed, alcohol or anything else - it is scary for your children to see you not in control. It is also really unsafe because you are the responsible adult who needs to be able to do things like evacuate in the case of a fire or drive someone to hospital/call an ambulance or just generally attend to your children’s needs if they have a nightmare, wet the bed, etc. Yes, perhaps one parent is sober and not under the influence, which helps, but if the other parent wants to get shit faced, they should do it out of the house, away from their children, or anyone else’s.

I’m a parent of similar age children, I totally understand the crushing monotony of much of this stage of life and the very real desire to have some time to yourself to be an adult. But this is what parenting is; it’s on you to be responsible, put your children first and make their welfare part of all your decision making. It’s not forever and it’s what you signed up to, so people need to suck it up and not be so selfish. Some people’s standards of parenting on here are depressingly low.

In your situation, OP, I’d not socialise at their house again and I’d consider making a safeguarding report to the school and social services. I agree with others that it will not meet the SS threshold, but this is a form of neglect and I would feel very uneasy keeping quiet about it. My friend got a letter from SS after someone made an anonymous report about her children’s welfare concerns. It was enough to wake her up a bit about certain things and make some changes, even though it was clear SS weren’t actually going to do much else. Putting it on the school’s radar might also help if there are other things you’re not aware of, but it forms part of a bigger picture they are seeing.

LolaSmiles · 08/12/2023 13:04

But we don't know how far away the summer house actually is. It could be that the school parents live on a 10 acre country estate or, more likely, the summer house is just at the end of their garden.
Do you think it's fine for adults to be down the bottom of their garden getting pissed in a summer house whilst their children remain in the house totally unaccompanied?

It's hardly like they're sitting on the patio/deck with a baby monitor on or somewhere they can easily hear their children.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2023 13:07

If your values don't align with theirs, perhaps you shouldn't socialise with them if you feel so strongly about it.

hydriotaphia · 08/12/2023 13:11

Yup it's shit, and personally I would not socialise with them, tell them my views and also alert the school. While it might not be enough for ss to intervene, at least the school will log the concern (or it should) so if anything else arises then there is a record.

Ladyj84 · 08/12/2023 13:13

I wouldn't be going again if I heard of drug use also zero intolerance and especially when you have kids. Either way everyone brings up there family different, if I didn't agree I wouldn't go back

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 08/12/2023 20:21

Both parents definitely were not sober. When I say randoms they have friends come over and then their friends bring people they don't know.
It isn't just weed from what I've heard but much harder stuff. There's a whole.group of them apparently that do it and alot of them are primary teachers!

OP posts:
Noicant · 08/12/2023 20:40

Yeah it’s really irresponsible to be frank. It’s one thing to be downstairs and a bit merry, but I wouldn’t really want to somewhere where I couldn’t hear my child or they couldn’t easily find me (my Dd has always been a terrible sleeper so is up and down a lot).

Having been drunk and used coke many many moons ago I really wouldn’t be fit to look after a young child in that state, not that night and definitely not in the morning because I wouldn’t have gone to sleep before 4am.

Absolutely would not have strangers wandering around my house with small kids there especially if I were basically incapacitated.

I’m all for parents having a life but this is just neglectful.

Rjahdhdvd · 08/12/2023 20:45

I can’t imagine being comfortable being a distance away from my DC where I couldn’t hear them if they woke up and called out. Although from your example I guess the kids know where to find their parents if needed.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 08/12/2023 20:55

Rjahdhdvd · 08/12/2023 20:45

I can’t imagine being comfortable being a distance away from my DC where I couldn’t hear them if they woke up and called out. Although from your example I guess the kids know where to find their parents if needed.

I think it was more the case one child had been in hospital not long previously and had been prescribed medication for their breathing that made me think why is the dad not with them

OP posts:
MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 20:55

alot of them are primary teachers!

Ooooh spicey little extra detail for the drip feed.

newtlover · 08/12/2023 21:22

those are bad parenting choices, yes, but as they are clearly MC nothing will happen

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 21:32

Summerhouse; hard to know without seeing a plan. Presumably they can access the house within a few minutes. Not neglect in my view.
Drugs: depends on the drugs. Heroin/crack call police, never mind social services. Cocaine is crap but you won't get anyone to take it seriously. Weed: unless they are out there every day doing it I couldn't get hugely exercised by this. Not neglect unless they're doing it all the time.

Hard to know for sure but based on your post it sounds like you're a bit OTT.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2023 21:32

It isn't just weed from what I've heard

interesting op. So second or third hand knowledge then op?

Bireadwhatiread · 08/12/2023 21:40

Mm and Drew Barrymore immediately sprang into my mind

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 08/12/2023 21:46

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2023 21:32

It isn't just weed from what I've heard

interesting op. So second or third hand knowledge then op?

What I've heard from the mum.....
Not second or third hand

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 08/12/2023 21:46

Bireadwhatiread · 08/12/2023 21:40

Mm and Drew Barrymore immediately sprang into my mind

Sorry, I don't know what happened to these two?

OP posts:
everybluesock · 08/12/2023 22:05

'Harder stuff' could mean anything.

GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 08/12/2023 22:56

God the drugs bit is horrific yasnbu

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 09/12/2023 07:17

So what should I do if its not a threshold for SS?

OP posts:
Ace56 · 09/12/2023 08:16

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 08/12/2023 09:45

How different is this to the madeleine Mcann case?
Children in bed asleep, parents within seeing distance of the property the children are in, whilst they enjoyed each others company, a few drinks and their evening meal.

They thought they were safe, but they were not and one of the children was taken.

How many people have cried out, where are social services? Why haven't they intervened since? They STILL have children!

It’s different because in this case they are still on their own property. There aren’t random members of the public wandering around.

It’s irresponsible yes, but SS are not going to give 2 shits as a couple are allowed to move about their property as they wish. The drugs can’t be proven and even then unfortunately won’t be taken seriously in an upper middle class family.

PurpleElf · 09/12/2023 08:16

Merryandbright1170 · 09/12/2023 07:17

So what should I do if its not a threshold for SS?

Report it anyway and report to the school, as several people have already suggested. There’s not much more you can do and it’s highly unlikely to result in much action. But if either agency has any other cause for concern now or in the future, this will form part of the bigger picture. Unfortunately shit, feckless, selfish parenting is not a crime, especially if the parents are a bit middle class.Those poor kids.

Original poster
Merryandbright1170 · 09/12/2023 09:24

PurpleElf · 09/12/2023 08:16

Report it anyway and report to the school, as several people have already suggested. There’s not much more you can do and it’s highly unlikely to result in much action. But if either agency has any other cause for concern now or in the future, this will form part of the bigger picture. Unfortunately shit, feckless, selfish parenting is not a crime, especially if the parents are a bit middle class.Those poor kids.

Show quote history

Ironic thing is she was speaking about her youngest struggling emotionally at school and I'm thinking we'll how much is that due to home life too.....just lost all respect for the parents tbh. I thought they were good people to hang out with.

OP posts:
Lefthandwoman · 09/12/2023 10:21

I knew someone who did similar once and they felt bloody awful afterwards, were completely upfront and never did it again. That's the difference. Sounds awful if it's a bunch of primary school teachers! Horrible position to put you in too. Tbh I'd like to think I would have a word - say it makes you feel really uncomfortable that one of them doesn't at least stay sober and you don't want to be a part of it. Or drop an anonymous note through the door. Could be from anyone of the straggler guests for all they know - might be enough to make them think again.