To have stayed in her flat?

[Reindeering]

We are both women.

I have a newish friend I met through a website where people can meet as friends or as dates, let’s call her Jo.
We spent a couple of months messaging back and forth getting to know each other slowly before we met. There was absolutely no declarations of attraction, and no flirting at all. It seemed obvious to me there was to be no romance. I didn’t think we were one another’s type. We did have a good time and enjoy each others company and were both happy to meet new people.

At around the same time I had “met” Jo online, I also met someone else, let’s call her Bet, there was instant mutual attraction from day one and things moved swiftly and a proper relationship began.

In the meantime, as the months passed, I needed some work done to my house and wouldn’t be able to stay there, so Jo surprisingly invited me to stay in her second home in France for a week (while she wasn’t there). I didn’t want to travel so far alone to an unfamiliar place so asked if I could bring a friend, I was told yes, and so I took a third old friend along, and we were both glad of a chance to get away.

My relationship with Bet had progressed beautifully, and Bet knew all about Jo and how we had met and what was happening and was very comfortable with this. Bet felt secure with me and I think it was very clear to her that Jo posed no threat, at least as far as as I was concerned. We felt strong as a couple.

As the days we’re passing, I could tell that Jo was trying to progress our friendship into something more by dropping hints.
Jo knew I was dating, but I hadn’t told her the details of my relationship, only that I was with someone, I didn’t want to rub our happiness in her face when I knew she was suffering from loneliness and was very eager to meet somebody.

Jo has a tendency to drink a bit much and behaves a bit differently then… with that in mind, she asked to come stay for a weekend at mine to explore my town. I said she was extremely welcome to come for a series of day trips, but that she couldn’t stay the night.

The real reason she couldn’t stay the night was because I couldn’t trust her to not make a move or come into my bed whilst under the influence, in fact, I think that’s the entire reason she wanted to stay, she lives close by with a whole multitude of public transport connections and the trip doesn’t require an overnight stay.

Finally, Jo burst out that she felt lead on by me, and why didn’t I tell her straight away I had met someone? I didn’t know I was obliged to report to her, and my private life is my own… she said I was like her ex who was two timing her, and she felt sure I hadn’t met them both around the same time.
It turned quite nasty, kind of laughing at me in an angry way.

Jo demanded to know if I had told my girlfriend about her… I felt she was being inappropriate, tell my girlfriend what exactly? Does she seem to think she owns me and I can never meet anyone as long as we are friends?
I didn’t want to engage with her further on this topic, I think she was under the influence. I didn’t feel I needed to answer to her, we’re not in a relationship and never were!

We then decided to move on from that day and continue the friendship, but Jo is behaving oddly again now that she found out my girlfriend and I broke up, but I made it clear I wasn’t available for anything other than a friendship.

Jo has been moody and things have been strained.

Was I unreasonable?
What would you do?

I would end the friendship with her as its clearly more than a friendship to her.
I don't think youve purposefully lead her on but now that you know she has feelings for you that you do not return I think it's best to withdraw from the friendship. She doesn't sound particularly emotionally healthy so I doubt she will withdraw from the friendship herself.. I'd predict that she would keep it going in the hope she can eventually win you round into a romantic relationship,however all the time allowing bitterness and resentment to grow and her feelings of being exploited.
Honestly just back off now. She doesn't really want to be friends

I'd end the friendship with Jo. She has controlling tendencies and clearly thinks she is entitled to interfere and to pressurise you. Not nice at all.

About the exploitation, she offered her flat, I didn’t ask, and she offered several times before I accepted. And I had since treated her to several nice meals out and returned some favours. I just drew the line at her staying the night while I’m home, when there isn’t a pressing need. Especially if it meant a move might be made.

@Reindeering
I do not think you have exploited her in any way.
I just meant to say that deep down that is always how she will feel whenever she does anything for you or is even nice to you, because she wants more out of this relationship than you will give her.
That is in no way your fault. But I honestly wouldn't continue the friendship. Because she will end up feeling exploited because she's never going to get what she actually wants out of it.

This is a relief to know, she had me second guessing myself for a while.

I’m wondering if she might be a bit delusional?

I have told her we should clear the air if she wasn’t feeling good, but she didn’t want to. A part of her knows she is being unreasonable maybe. Yet is still angry secretly with me! Why spend time with me if you’re going to be moody?

When I have been interested in someone in the past, but they were not interested in me, I wished them well and moved on… I didn’t try to befriend them then tell them off for leading me on.

If anyone is underhand, isn’t it the one who is has been told nothing will happen yet secretly feels they have rights and ownership over someone who didn’t consent to it. I honestly don’t get it in a woman, it’s like a man who pretends to be a friend of a woman’s, but is waiting to pounce.

I just couldn’t credit that this is what she might be doing and this is what is happening.

I did apologise to her later that I was sorry she felt led on and it wasn’t my intention, but she has not apologised for her part. That’s the second thing I don’t like.

She is supposed to be visiting soon, and I think it might be a difficult day, in which case I don’t want to do it, but I have already said yes to it.
I definitely don’t want to meet if she thinks her behaviour is okay, what do I do?

I'd just say that too much has come up, related to Christmas and work, and family, and that you'll need to cancel your meet-up.

Then don't reorganise it.

I think that might result in another episode of telling me off, and I just don’t want all that negative energy. I really don’t want to hurt and upset her, I don’t need the karma.

It would have been far easier if she had been willing to communicate and resolve it and get on with having a nice day.

I suppose if I know that she might have a bad reaction, that tells me what I should do. We had plans to take a weekend trip together I was really looking forward to (separate rooms), it will be a pity to cancel, but neither do I want to be traveling with someone I’m worried about being volatile.

I feel bad promising her a day, then just telling her to buzz off. Is there a better way?

Honestly she sounds like a 'nice guy' and I'd block and ghost just like I would do to a guy who behaved like that.
You don't owe her anything. People like that rely on you being polite and worrying about her feelings.. she will try and endlessly manipulate you by making you feel like you've wronged her or you should be sorry for her. Pure 'nice guy' put in nice tokens till the sex falls out and if the sex does not fall out act like you've been horrifically hard done by

Karma isn't real, and her disproportionate emotional reactions are her problem, not yours.

You already sound like someone trying to escape a toxic relationship; people like this are very good at creating a sense of obligation. You owe her nothing! And no, she doesn't get to "tell you off" if you end the friendship. Write her a letter/email explaining why you won't be seeing her again, and then cut her out entirely.

Look up narcissistic abuse and FOG.

I’ve just had the lightening bulb when you said the “nice guy” - anger and you’ve “led me on” is exactly what one would say! Amazing.
Then it occurred to me there is another far more disturbing situation where a man might say “I was led on”…

It’s quite surprising that a woman can enact the same behaviour as the “nice guy”, and get away with it. Simply because my guard wasn’t up, and she had been so lovely and kind and caring… but that person is gone now and we have disgruntled nice guy.

Yes, I had been feeling a bit obligated and guilty.

Lots of lightbulbs going off!

Staying in her house was a mistake, it was a trap, she felt that entitled her to everything. Like a man buying a woman dinner and then feeling entitled to sex.

It’s the entitlement that was bothering me and the thing I couldn’t put my finger on, that’s what I meant when I said I wonder if she’s a bit delusional, I even wondered if she’s on drugs I don’t know about.

It sounds like she thought the two of you were moving slowly towards a relationship and you …. didn’t.

She is behaving completely unreasonably but it doesn’t sound like you ever had the ‘I only see you as a friend’ conversation. If she went on the site to find a romantic partner and your profile (I assume there is a potted bio) said you were either looking or open to the same, I can see how she might feel misled.

That absolutely doesn’t justify her behaviour. However, I’m not so sure it’s ’nice guy’ equivalent behaviour so much as she was doing things for a prospective (or current) romantic partner that she wouldn’t have done for a platonic friend and now feels let down by the knowledge you never saw her that way.

Good food for thought, thank you.

My profile had said I was undecided about whether I wanted a relationship because I’d had a recent breakup, but if love came around whilst I was getting out and about meeting new people, then so be it.

I can see how it might have happened there there was an initial hope, but once you see the person dating someone else… isn’t that even more clear than being told?

She was even very odd with me when I was traveling to another city one weekend, questioning what I was doing there and why wasn’t I with my girlfriend (girlfriend was sitting right next to me). I think in her mind she painted me as a cheater, she doesn’t even know me, just so weird now I think about it. What earthly business is it of hers?

I don’t like the ownership and paranoia issues. Maybe even jealousy. I must have sensed it unconsciously from the beginning and that’s why I didn’t tell her the ins and outs nice times with girlfriend.

There’s no more fun and joy in this friendship, it’s all gone. In fact, it’s become hard work. And if there’s her drinking involved, not a good situation. And it had such a sweet promising beginning. I’ll be sad to let it go.

Is the lesson that I should never accept an invitation to a friends house or any significant offers of help? Maybe I was naive to think there wouldn’t be strings attached. I’ve stayed with friends before without all this, I’m going to have a phobia about it now!

She might be a bit predatory and a bit groomy / rapey by which I mean she wants to lure you in in the hope of coercing you into a relationship / sex with no open discussion and no consent or willingness from you.

If she's a heavy drinker and used to a lot of casual sex she could just be getting it really really wrong without any awareness as she's not fully 'conscious'. When i was drinking I was all over the place and used to falling in / out of bed with people and not thinking what was appropriate.

Or she could be really needy and clingy and desperate and trying to hope for something.

In any circs, you need to discontinue the friendship. If you want to help her you could tell her why in a kind and compassionate but firm way.

What stood out to me was Bet knew all about Jo and understood/ no need to be jealous/ was secure but you didn’t show Jo the same courtesy. Jo didn’t know all about Bet/ understood where the relationship stood etc and so was jealous… I think deep down you knew Jo liked you more than a friend and rather than dealing with that you just ignored and ended up here

To be honest, she didn’t make herself clear until several months in, and when she started dropping hints, I was in a serious relationship, which is a strange time for her to begin. I did actually tell her I was seeing someone, and then later that it was serious.

I could not have known for sure until she said something, it would have been a bit crass of me to say “but hey, just in case you’re getting any ideas, don’t”.
I really didn’t think I was appealing as a partner back then, for various reasons, neither for sex or something more.

You are getting some excellent advice.
Jo is toxic.
Cancel her visit and cease contact.
She is highly manipulative and controlling.
No someone you should want in your life.

Why on earth didn’t you end the friendship when it became obvious that Jo is obsessed with you and a bit unhinged? What did you think was going to happen when you carried on being friends with someone who you couldn’t even trust not to attempt to sexually assault you while drunk? Clearly you can’t have a normal friendship with someone who is romantically obsessed with you. How on earth did you ever think that was going to work?

End the friendship now. She’s unhinged and you’re naive.

Its cancelled. I resorted to a it’s not you, it’s me solution. I really didn’t have the wherewithal for a bad reaction. This seems to have successfully warded off a bad reaction. In fact, she was pretty understanding.

Has me beginning to second guess. We can all have fragile reactive periods in our lives, I’ve occasionally had them myself in different circumstances.

If she continues like that, and she’s happy to leave this in the past, well, I could use a friend, that’s why I joined the site in the first place, and I’d really like not to cancel that trip.

I may have felt just as bad if the situations were reversed, the only difference being I would have stepped back if I knew I couldn’t handle it.

She has reiterated this evening that she can handle it? I don’t want to be pessimistic.

I’m thinking, take her at her word, one more chance, and if it happens again, end it for good without any lingering doubts, which I have now.

But maybe in the future keep a bit more distance to keep things under control.