AIBU not to buy 21 a big Christmas gift?

[MintTrackies]

I’ve had a truly horrible year. My dad was killed in horrendous circumstances this time last year.

21 lives in her own place. She is in a
relationship with a man whom I won’t see as he’s threatened me. He’s an alcoholic. Usually I’d do a meal and gifts for her upcoming birthday, maybe a meal out, and a lovely Christmas.

She ignored both Mother’s Day and my birthday completely. Other than a text. She did not attend my dad’s funeral. She has been here around four days since it happened

I’m struggling with gifts for her. Have a few nice small things. It’s all breaking my heart. She’s expecting the usual fuss. AIBU just to give the little things, no big gift?

She's 21 and living with an alcoholic who has threatened her mother? I'd be worried sick. My 21yo still seems very young and vulnerable to me.

I don't think it matters too much whether you buy the big present or not, but I would be thinking about how best to communicate with her.

I am worried sick. But she’s awful to me, and just will not listen to me nor anyone else. There’s a backstory, I’ve really bent over backwards to give her a good life. This maybe seems Mike a small thing, but it’s just so difficult and upsetting

After everything that’s happened this year, I simply do not have the emotional resources to deal with vitriol and total disregard for any feelings I have

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.

If you want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, and be able to keep in touch with her whilst you know she's with a dangerous man, you need to carry on doing things youbusually would, and this includes birthday presents. In my opinion anyway. She may need to come to your for help leaving one day.