To think this is petty DP behaviour

[bakingmummy21]

Me and DH are in the routine of alternating Christmases with our DP. This year is DPIL year and we would always see the other set sometime after Xmas. My DP are divorced so we actually have 3 sets of DP to see over Xmas and NY.

Usually DM and DSD come to us as we like to be at home for Xmas for the DC but often travel to see my DDad after. This year I had mentioned to DH that I wasn’t sure I could face hosting his DP for 4 days followed by DM for another 2 days and maybe we should go to DM’s instead. We’ve not been to stay at theirs for over 2 years - their house isn’t set up very well for DC sleeping arrangements but also, they never invite us and usually just come to ours. They are a 3 hour drive so during term time it is difficult to get there for a weekend but not impossible. Admittedly we’ve never openly asked to go and stay at theirs though. It’s usually easier for them to come to us.

Anyhow DM and I had a falling out last week on another matter but they have just been down to see us - but opted to stay in a hotel overnight. Upon leaving this evening they have unloaded all DC Xmas presents out of their car and as we said goodbye I said “oh will we see you sometime after Xmas then” to which DM replied “well you haven’t invited us. We’ve been waiting for an invite but as it never came that’s why we’ve brought DC’s Xmas presents down now”. I then said we’d been thinking maybe we could come to them this year instead and pointed out that they haven’t asked us either to which DM replied “well we assumed with the 3DC you wouldn’t want to travel etc etc”. They then left.

AIBU to think this is just a bit petty? Waiting for a formal invite from us and now being offended rather than just openly saying “oh we’d love to come to you if that’s ok, or you could come to us?”.

I work full time plus 3 young DC and my mental load is huge at the moment and I feel they are just adding to it rather than trying to make life easier!

So it’s 3 weeks until Christmas and you’ve still not either invited them to yours or asked if you can go to theirs? No wonder they’ve assumed they won’t see you, they’re not mind readers! 😂

Leave them to it and let them sulk. Do what you want to do

I am sure the ops parents are more than capable of asking hey xxx what are we doing for Christmas this year

its doesn’t all need to be on the op to organise

I realise that but given the OP says they normally come to hers and she hasn’t spoken to them about coming to theirs, I think the onus is on her to keep them in the loop about what’s she’s thinking. I do agree the parents could have broached it too but think it’s more on the OP as she’s the one potentially changing the status quo. Sounds like poor communication on both sides.

Well done for not hosting again this year. Unless they have an illness or disability that prevents them hosting, they should take in turns and host.

Don’t feel guilted into inviting them. They just can’t be arsed to host you and blamed it on you.

She is your DM, and you usually invite her to yours. So if you wanted to change plans, you should have reached out first.

I actually think it is petty of you to expect your DM to take turns hosting five people in her home a home you have said is not suitable for your DC’s sleeping arrangements. Why subject anyone to that when their home just cannot accommodate you all? If you can’t face all the hosting, you should have reached out to DM and perhaps booked a hotel or cottage nearby to hers for the after Christmas period.

The whole we alternate Christmases set up seems overly complicated and stressful to me unless you and your DH are only children and your DC are the only grandchildren for all the grandparents involved. If either you or your DH have siblings, this alternating years and tit for tat approach adds unneeded complexity to the grandparents’ plans for Christmas as well because they will have not just your family to visit.

I agree - it is poor communication on both sides. I suppose the difference is on my side I have way more going on to organise and sort out. DM is obviously retired so has lots of free time. She brought up coming to see us a few weeks ago and again then said they wanted to come and see DD in her nativity (which is tomorrow). It wouldn’t have been a massive stretch for her to also mention Xmas plans. Us spending Xmas with DPIL is always a sore point with her though so that probably contributes.

I am an only child so yes our DC are the only grandparents for my DM. I also haven’t changed the plans, I just hadn’t explicitly invited them to ours, but I did assume that we would work something out to see them over the Xmas period. The conversation about maybe going to theirs was just an idea between me and DH.

Surely alternating Christmas is only fair as my DH does want to see his own DP on Xmas as well. All GP live hours away so day trips aren’t an option, it always has to be an overnight stay and we don’t have space to host multiple GP at once.

Of course alternating is fair. I don’t think DM and step dad should automatically expect to be hosted every year. When anything becomes an expectation it breeds resentment and entitled. They feel entitlement coming to yours and resent you spending time with MIL. It’s different if your mum was not mobile or very elderly or on her own.

There is fair and then there is overly complicated. Xmas can still be fair without all this uncertainty and tit for tat even if a retired couple have downsized and their home can’t fit all 7 people in it suitably.

There are 12 days of Xmas, not one, and I’ve never understood the need to do musical chairs for the 25th in some families.

Of course your DM was waiting for an invitation, it would be presumptuous to assume they were invited to yours without an invitation.

I disagree that expectation as to how a family does Xmas “breeds entitlement and resentment” as that is saying any family Xmas tradition that is the same year after year “breeds entitlement and resentment” because it’s become an expected feature of Xmas. To me family tradition (expectations) lead to security, less stress, fewer disagreements and more time to plan and enjoy because you all have a level of certainty.

I’m confused

you said you alternate between the in-laws and your own mother

you said it was your in-laws turn this year

so why was your mother expecting to be invited? Or did she mean after Xmas day?

either way I think you are both a tad petty and she could have text you and asked or you could have let her know by this point in time

Christ I remember the days of passive aggressive parents awaiting an invite while at we ran around like idiots the whole time when the kids were young and we both worked.

Take this as your opportunity to change the tradition op

How about a mini break in between Xmas and new year when you can meet up and see the parents on both sides and alternate it like now but without all the twattishness.

Honestly, you both sound as bad as each other. Just have a bloody conversation. They were petty for not just asking you if you’d made plans yet, and you were petty for not just asking them if you could come to them. Who the fuck can’t just call their own bloody mother/daughter and have a chat about whether you’re seeing each other at Christmas? This is mad.

I suppose we just assumed that they would be coming to ours after Xmas as they always would if DPIL were coming for Xmas day. I’m not expecting them to host, rather just wondered to myself if they could for a change but if they hadn’t wanted to then they would of course come here like usual to see the DGC etc. Yes we hadn’t had an explicit conversation about it but tbh that hadn’t concerned me and I have a million other things to think about. DM on the other hand has been waiting for her invite and rather than just asking before now, she has instead wrapped all the DC presents and dropped them off to us saying “well as we’re not invited to stay after Xmas…”. Given this has clearly been on her mind now for at least a couple of weeks (probably longer) I think she could easily have just mentioned it to clarify. From my side I always feel a bit guilty about spending Xmas with DPIL (DM was very unhappy about this arrangement when we started it) so I feel awkward bringing it up, in case she thinks I am rubbing it in that we’re spending Xmas with them. But I agree we should both have brought it up sooner.

DPIL coming from 23rd to 27th (they live abroad so always stay a few days). We would then see other GP from 27th onwards. In previous years DM has come to ours on 27th or 28th.

So silly to take umbrage over an imagined slight. Why not just ask you outright about Christmas. The whole thing can be exhausting with cooking, preparing, sorting presents etc. I would just let them sulk and get on with it. Enjoy having a few calm days after Christmas.

I disagree that expectation as to how a family does Xmas “breeds entitlement and resentment” as that is saying any family Xmas tradition that is the same year after year “breeds entitlement and resentment” because it’s become an expected feature of Xmas. To me family tradition (expectations) lead to security, less stress, fewer disagreements and more time to plan and enjoy because you all have a level of certainty.

It might very well be less stress and more security for you, but for the poor sod who has to separately host 2 sets of parents every year for several days in close succession there is more stress and less time to enjoy.

When does OP get a break? She has said she can’t face this and she’s right, it’s too much, and her DM and step dad are being unreasonable to expect it every year.