AIBU for thinking this is poor effort? Best friend only ever makes vague plans with me

[wtbpg]

Both in our 20s, I've got a baby and she doesn't. Known each other for 18 years now. We speak every day, when we're together we get on incredibly well, she's been there for me in lots of tough times (and I've been there for her!), she loves my child and never misses a birthday or important date, so I can't really fault her as a friend in any other way.

Since the last couple of years whenever she makes plans with me it's always very vague. Like "let's meet next weekend but let's keep it flexible: Sat or Sun depending on when my mum decides to come to town" or "I'll come over Friday night maybe, if my period cramps aren't too bad" or "I'll come some time in the afternoon, depending on when I finish brunch with X friend" or "let's see how I get on with job applications and if it's all good we'll do something Saturday". She seems to specifically pick days to plan things with me when things are vague or uncertain? Or maybe it just feels this way? I think maybe she does it because we're close so maybe she feels she can keep things flexible with me or because im often just home with the baby anyway (but still want to know what I'm doing and when!!). She doesn't seem to do this with other friends. And whilst each individual time it's a reasonable excuse to keep things vague, when you take it in combination with all the previous times she's done it I feel unimportant.

AIBU to want her to put more effort into the friendship or to feel unimportant as a result of plans always being "vague"?

Maybe it's testament to your friendship as that's how I am with family, the same kind of language,

Having a baby goes mean more scheduling though, and you are aware of that and she isn't.

Just say you need a firmer plan.

Does she then follow through and see you, or not?

My first thought is say actually no can we schedule a time, I just need it with the baby's naps, feed times etc, and you can always cancel if you need to or let me know if you're running late.

It's hard to say without knowing where she's coming from, but you should be able to have that conversation. It is very normal for things to shift a bit when there's a baby in the mix - you should be able to find a way through to something that works for you both.

@Chiar sometimes she'll follow through and sometimes not? Like with the job apps example I heard nothing, then the day before she's meant to come I messaged and she said "oh no sorry I should do more job applications this weekend instead" and other times she will get back to me and say "ok so mum is coming Saturday, I'll come over on Sunday". We do see each other regularly!

That sounds fair enough then, not like she's avoiding you or messing you round deliberately

@Chiar yeah... my issue is that it's always very last minute. Like I'll hear back on a Friday if she's picked a Saturday or Sunday which means I've had to keep both days free. Or she'll let me know in the morning "period cramps are bad so I won't come over" - if she KNOWS her period cramps can sometimes get so bad, why make vague plans with me for that day rather than concrete plans for the following week?! Or why say "let's maybe do something" depending on job applications rather than allocate some time to do job applications so she can definitely see me, or not suggest plans at all?!

There's nothing wrong with this vagueness if it works for both of you. I'm like this with my mum and dad - we're all busy so we vaguely decide Thursday afternoon or something, but if something comes up for either of us there's no issue. It means we can actually see more of each other because we squeeze each other in. But because they're vague plans, if something else comes along I think nothing of agreeing to the new thing. That's where you're going wrong - don't keep the whole weekend clear for her, just do your thing and if you find a last minute time that works for both of you, great!

That said, if you can't make the vague style work for you, then it's perfectly reasonable to say you'd rather have a definite time. It just might mean you see less of her overall because you are no longer someone she can call up last minute.

@JammieJem I guess for me plans would always come up? I tend to fill my weeks up: it's usually a play date one day, seeing a friend the next, then an exhibition or class I've found for the baby, maybe having a family member visit etc.

And in terms of weekends, if I don't keep the day free then I'd usually plan something as a family with my husband...

Did you tell her that this level of unpredictability is inconvenient for you?

So why don’t you just tell her you need a firm plan?

Dont keep both weekend days free then. If she says “Saturday or Sunday”, say “Not Saturday, I’m doing x.” That way you can do something, even if she has to bail.

People have busy lives, and it sounds like you do make time for each other, but this is how your friendship is, just at the moment.

You can't change people, and it's often not worth while trying. She wants to be spontaneous, you don't. Both approaches are valid

But you can change your own behaviour, so you're not at her beck and call eg "sure, give me a call if you're available on Saturday morning and if I'm here, then we can meet up". That way, you're at liberty to make other plans

I'm older than you, but over the years, I've gradually drifted away from friends who are spontaneous. It's just not my style. I prefer people who are able and willing to commit to a plan

YABU

Tell her you are busy and need a firm plan (or in other words, grow a pair).

Too vague op. I stopped putting days aside for my friend as found I could plan nothing til she got in touch. Nightmare.

Ugh I'd hate this ( and had a friend similar)

Basically she thinks her time is worth more than yours. She's so busy and you're just expected to sit there all weekend in case she decides to see you.

Nobody is so busy they can't make a plan for a set time and stick to it ( even if it means weeks of planning ahead)

I would maybe reassess the balance on your friendship. How does she view you? How do you view her? Is it an equal friendship?