...to tell my elderly mum to stop moaning

[FFSN]

She is housebound, disabled, and in pain. I phone her every day and see her at least twice a week (shes an hours drive away) and every conversation is about her aches and pains. I sympathise. I offer advice. I listen. I offer to contact her GP.

However...she wont see a doctor. She has ended up in hospital twice in the last 2 years by ignoring health issues that then escalated into something serious. She is currently suffering severe all over body pain but won't check it out with the GP. Im fed up. I feel like telling her that when this issue escalates, shes on her own and can get herself to hospital.

AIBU to tell her to either see the doctor or stop moaning about her health?

Yes she needs go to gp. What age group is she. My mother positive this week but god the moaning is draining at times.. 80s. I know what you mean op.

Could you speak to someone like Age UK and ask for their advice in this situation? If she has capacity I doubt you can make her see a doctor but would she be more willing if e.g. a doctor could come to her?

These situations are always tricky to navigate. On the one hand it's her choice, but on the other, she is expecting you to pick up the fallout from that, which isn't sustainable. I second seeking some advice from an age concern charity as I think this is quite a common scenario.

I really feel for you OP. My MIL had a litany of health issues but would do absolutely nothing to address any of them or try to make things any better. It's so bloody draining and depressing to listen to. I'm sure it was no fun for her either, but it's very difficult being expected to absorb someone else's pain all the time

This is what I will be like as I'd rather pass away at home rather than let medicals assess me and medicate me which would prolong my life even though the quality of it will be poor.

Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear. Personally I would carry on as you are and always give her the option of seeing her GP but what's the point in pushing it?

This is if she is in her 80's.

If she's housebound, then she has nothing else to talk about other than herself and how she feels. I've got an elderly friend (early 80's) who does nothing but moan about his aches and pains and the state of the world which he only sees from self-selected TV programmes.

I've tried to get him interested in other things to give him new topics, bringing over books he might like to read or giving him websites to check out. He will do this to a certain extent, but the basic inertia of talking about HIM is difficult to overcome. Is there any way you can get your mum interested in something, a hobby or craft she can do, or books she can read (even on audio books), just to give her a topic of conversation away from herself?

(and yes, I realise this doesn't solve her health problem, but that's her decision not to see a doctor).

Yeah that’s not fair of her.

Can you start cutting across her and firmly saying YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR GP MUM every time she starts? Repeat ad infinitum etc?

Yes shes in her 80s.

@TiptoeTess Yes, think I need to do this!!

Even if it's just medication to ease the pain of arthritis or stop something minor becoming more serious (statins maybe)? You don't have to be dying to see the doctor.

@FFSN which end of her 80s?
I'm all for cutting the elderly a lot of slack TBH.
She's thinking about dying, daily, and frightened. Virtually all people over a certain age start to dwell on death. It's scary and very hard to talk about and people channel their anxieties and existential fears into lesser issues.

Don't expect her to abide by anything that the GO may offer, if you ever get her there. My DM was the opposite, but the same... Bear with. So, she was at the GPs weekly. She was given various medication, she wouldn't take it. She was offered appointments for physio, she didn't go. She was referred to specialists, she didn't go. She was taken by ambulance to hospital several times, had loads of tests, was told she needed an operation, she declined and self discharged. She declined all vaccinations.

She was of sound mind, we had her tested. In the end you just have to accept defeat, and reiterate ad nasaeum that she either does something about it, or stops bloody moaning!

I'd just listen, she obviously just needs to vent

'I'm all for cutting the elderly a lot of slack TBH.
She's thinking about dying, daily, and frightened. Virtually all people over a certain age start to dwell on death. It's scary and very hard to talk about and people channel their anxieties and existential fears into lesser issues.'

That's very kind, and perceptive, and generous. It's bloody hard to hold into when you're faced with endless complaining, but it's good to be reminded of what may well be going on for the person doing the complaining

@Lottapianos

Elderly people whose bodies are falling apart have nothing to look forward to and very little hope. That is something almost impossible to empathise with for younger people with hectic lives, children, husbands, careers, holidays to look forward to etc. If she is housebound then what else does she have to think about but her pain and misery and the very limited time she has left. She's also probably scared to go to the GP because, let's face it, the NHS is in a woeful mess at the moment and the thought of going into hospital is enough to frighten anyone. She might be afraid that she will never come out or that they'll put her in a home.

Book her an appointment with her doctor to discuss pain management. Go with her. When people moan it's because they are asking for help indirectly. Hopefully she can get some medication or ideas on how to improve her quality of life.

My mother is currently in hospital but that is because my sister believed her to be dehydrated and she needed to be on a drip, and they brought her to A&E. She was admitted. Turns out after nearly 2 weeks in hospital she might be getting well enough to get home again.

You need to bring your mother to A&E. You don't know what might be ailing her at the moment, could be dehydration, could be diarrhoea or something entirely different. Unless you're medically trained to know what ails her, why wouldn't you bring your housebound mother to see a doctor? Why don't you say "Ok mum, I don't know how to fix this but I do know someone who might. Pop on your coat and we'll get a small bag together in case we might need it and we'll head to A&E to see what the doctors there think".

Might that work?

It sounds bloody draining.

I’d go with “you mustn’t be that bad if you won’t see a Dr. If I were in bad pain I would do anything to sort it”

My mother used to do this, like you I would offer solutions, to contact whoever, she would always refuse. Eventually I started asking her what she wanted me to do about it; she would say ' nothing', so I gently told her to stop moaning to me about everything if doesn't want me to help her in any way. She did stop the general moaning, but did ask for help sometimes.

@MarilynSays Funnily enough, that's why Im fed up today. I did exactly that, got her a phone consultation with her GP for later today.and you'd think I'd sold her favourite silverware, she was that cross with me. She would much prefer to be in pain and moan at me than actually do anything about it. I just dont get it!

@LookItsMeAgain Believe me I try to get her to see someone, she wont, and it's hard to force a stubborn disabled old lady to do something they dont want to do. But this is not an A&E job at the moment...if it was, I'd be calling an ambilance. This is about quality of life.

I'd try harder to get her to see the GP too. Tell her you are really worried and will make her an appt and come along to keep her company.

A bit of empathy would not go amiss.

My MIL (who wasn’t even particularly old) was like this. Ended up in hospital 3 times for refusing to deal with small issues which then escalated. She absolutely hated being in hospital.
She didn’t live as long as she could have because she wouldn’t take medication ‘she didn’t like’. She was in hospital the first time she refused, for months, next time they just wouldn’t treat her aggressively.
She was utterly impossibly to deal with. Her health deteriorated because she refused to see she had any control over it. But then complained her health was deteriorating.

Don't be ridiculous. She doesn't need "accident and emergency"

We ( long term conditions) get fed up with stuff, I have Parkinson’s, I just to manage stuff, as your mum does! I’m 61
Tell her that’s it’s not fair to be always taking stuff out on you