Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

DP drinking and newborn

23 replies

Aswezx23 · 07/12/2023 11:51

NC for this.

Backstory: DP (31yr old male) and I have been happily together for 13 years. We bought our first house 3 years ago after saving deposit. Both very introverted so like each other's company more than anyone else. Due to this, nights in are usually in front of the telly. We got into very bad habits with this with both food but mainly alcohol. We would drink most nights. My (30yr old female) weekly unit consumption over the years went up to 50 to 60 units a week. His went I'm guessing to 70 to 80 units a week. Both tried to cut down, both kept failing.

I got pregnant unplanned in Feb 2023. Completely unplanned, had a copper coil and it failed after 6 years. I found out on day was due on. When found out I completely stopped drinking. Not alcohol whatsoever during pregnancy. I had nightmares that I had drunk at the beginning I was so scared.

DP was very supportive and did not have alcohol either. There was no hiding any drinking, he did not have any at all throughout my pregnancy. This does not need to be questioned.

I welcomed beautiful baby girl in Nov 2023.

After a couple of weeks recovering from birth etc, we decided we would have a beer at the weekend each. We discussed it and set boundaries (only one beer each, the only days of the week we can possibly drink are Friday and Saturday). We had the beer at the weekend just gone, one beer each spaced out over several hours.

We do not co-sleep with baby at all fyi, she has a cot next to our bed.

Please note, I've not felt any cravings etc. My life is my daughter. I do not want to go back to the lifestyle we had before at all. I had one beer on Saturday as discussed and I felt relaxed. I did not think I missed out on any alcohol. That was it. I was thinking this might work on a weekend, one drink each etc. I thought my partner was on the same page as me.

Last night DP made dinner and after having it we went up to the bedroom with the baby, and we watched tv in bed. At about 9pm I went downstairs to prep another bottle and found an empty beer bottle behind the microwave. I checked the receipt for the shop that evening (DP had gone to get items for dinner) and the one bottle (a big bottle I might add 3.3units) was in there.

I was really upset. When I confronted him he confessed to not just having one beer on Saturday but two,as well as the one bottle last night.

I told him that I've no trust in him now with regards to this. That everytime he goes to a shop alone I'm going to suspect he's buying slcohol and drinking it on the sly. I'm not going to know if he's ever sober enough to look after our daughter. He's shown that his dependency on alcohol has not gone away during my pregnancy and so there is a real threat of him going back to our previous lifestyle and killing himself.

He said he understands, that he lied, that he needs to stop it for his daughter. He doesn't think he needs to go the the Dr and that we can just stop and not have any ever again. And he said he had the beer last night because he just wanted a beer.

Aibu that he is a grown man, he's had an extra two beers and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to give him grief? That this does not say he will go back to near 100 units a week and it's unfair to assume so after an extra two?

Ainbu that I feel really upset, concerned for my daughter and him and think we should definitely get the life insurance up to date to protect us from his liver failing?

I could be being really ott and overreacting. He is a lovely father and partner. So supportive and hands on fyi.

Please be kind.

OP posts:

OrigamiOwl · 07/12/2023 11:53

I think jumping straight to thinking about his life insurance is a bit step

Winnipeggy · 07/12/2023 11:56

If he wasn't drunk I wouldn't be bothered

Lovedthosechips · 07/12/2023 11:59

You should both have life insurance. Do that first.

Then talk - you may be right that he can’t moderate but if he can then that is ok. His good health and the money saved are both benefits to continue

trunkler · 07/12/2023 12:05

Depending on what you drink switch over to zero alcohol drinks. Might be best to try a complete change as I am not sure how much like the alcoholic version they are because we haven't drank in at least 5 years. We have Becks and Peroni zero, feels lovely knowing there is no alcohol in it so drinking away with a pizza removes the guilt and worry.

I think if a person cannot go without a drink then they need to address the fact that they have a dependence on alcohol and seek help.

TheWhalrus · 07/12/2023 12:09

For me, the actual amount consumed doesn't seem like the main issue here....its more the deception, or the fact that he feels the need to hide it.

Obvs you can't drinks as much as you used to, although is it so harmful to allow him the occasional 'night off' where he can have maybe 2-3 drinks and not worry too much about having to tend to the little one on that night? (obvs with him reciprocating on other nights)

Chersfrozenface · 07/12/2023 12:11

You discussed this beforehand and both agreed you'd have one beer each

He hasn't kept to his side of the agreement

So will there be a new agreement? You have one beer and he has what? Two? Three?

Will he even keep to a new agreement? He didn't keep to the first.

Or do you not bother with an agreement and he just drinks as much as he "feels like"?

I would be raising all these points and questions with him.

And wondering to myself exactly how much I would consider acceptable or too much. And what the hell I would do if he ended up drinking what I considered too much.

TizerorFizz · 07/12/2023 12:12

You were both drinking a huge amount before the baby. Totally irresponsible really. So you have cut down but are you really worried about him drinking a lot again? That’s probably the real concern.

We only have a few glasses of alcohol at weekends. I think you need a plan to stay below 14 units a week. As you don’t go out you can see what’s being bought. If you are worried about his health you will need life insurance now as they will ask about booze. I’d get it if you have a mortgage! Vital really. If you really think drink related diseases are a possibility, he’s drinking a lot! Are you worried he might head towards being an alcoholic?

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/12/2023 12:17

Actually I think it's pretty controlling to insist he only has one beer at the weekend, why can't he have a bottle on a weeknight?!? He's hardly knocking it back! I can understand why he hasn't told you as you seem a bit over the top about this.

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 12:20

Your alcohol consumption before the baby was quite alarming. His clear dependency now, not to mention his deception, is something to take seriously. I’m not sure any amount of alcohol would be safe.

GasPanic · 07/12/2023 12:27

It feels like you have unilaterally decided what it you as a couple are allowed to drink and despite him saying he is on board with that he clearly isn't.

I think the mitigation is that you both were drinking a very high amount of alcohol before, and although I don't think a couple of beers per night is raging alcoholism, 100 units a week is getting to a very concerning level.

The question is whether you can come to a better compromise with him on what is a more acceptable level, while the drinking not having a tendency to increase with time given your past history.

kiwiaddict · 07/12/2023 12:28

GasPanic · 07/12/2023 12:27

It feels like you have unilaterally decided what it you as a couple are allowed to drink and despite him saying he is on board with that he clearly isn't.

The question is whether you can come to a better compromise with him on what is a more acceptable level, while the drinking not having a tendency to increase with time given your past history.

I agree with this

Buffypaws · 07/12/2023 12:49

He had two beers.

I assumed this was a joke tbh.

Heyahun · 07/12/2023 13:17

you decided for him that he can have 1 beer a week drank slowly over hours? did he have any say in this at all?

He's probably hiding it from you because you told him he can't have any and he doesn't want an argument.

you can't tell another adult what to do do really

Sapphire387 · 07/12/2023 13:38

I mean seriously? An alcoholic berating another alcoholic for 'their' problem. Maybe sort yourself out first, it's clear you also have a problem from the fact you are drinking so soon after birth but primarily because you are having to set yourself strict 'limits'.

You're both kidding yourselves if you think you can get this under control without being teetotal.

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 13:44

First of all - congratulations on your beautiful baby!

I don't think three beers at the weekend is a lot and I think going on about life insurance an overreaction (I mean, you should both have life insurance but not just because your DP had three beers at the week). I think you need to understand that he thinks differently to you about alcohol. You can't just decide on his behalf how much you can both drink. You're a couple, not conjoined twins.

He gave up alcohol completely while you were pregnant, so he clearly cares about you and his child. It really doesn't sound like this is a case of putting a beer before his family. Obviously if he didn't want to stick to just one beer, he should have discussed it with you, but I suspect he was a bit fearful of your reaction and just didn't want to cause a row.

I think perhaps that, as you have the memory of traumatic nightmares about alcohol and your baby during your pregnancy (and are also adjusting to being a mum - you only gave birth a few weeks ago, so on both a practical and an emotional level, plus hormones all over the place, that's a HUGE thing to be coping with) your reaction to this may well be a little more extreme than it would usually have been - and of course, your DP hasn't had the actual pregnancy experience or the same kinds of fears around alcohol that you've had to go through, so it will feel very different to him.

mewkins · 07/12/2023 13:45

Sapphire387 · 07/12/2023 13:38

You're both kidding yourselves if you think you can get this under control without being teetotal.

I think this is the problem. I think that you know that you're both in danger of creeping back up to pre-baby levels which is quite scary. You're attempting to exert control over it but it won't work - I think a discussion with accusing each other and maybe both getting some help and support would be the best plan.

genesis92 · 07/12/2023 13:48

You're being ridiculously controlling. He's allowed to have a few drinks if he wants on a weekend!

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/12/2023 13:48

Nah he is an alco. He is also a liar. Red flags!
Ignore the people excusing it, it isn't on, you both discussed and came to an agreement and he decided to sneak about.

I'd be VERY cautious from here on out. If he breaks the agreement again, he will have shown you that booze comes before you and your daughter.

Baublewarble · 07/12/2023 13:56

I think you’re in post baby crazy stage. Having 2 beers does not a dangerous dad or failing liver make.

samqueens · 07/12/2023 14:15

Well done for stopping drinking in your pregnancy and congratulations on the baby! I would say…

you need to separate your issues around alcohol from his. If you don’t want to drink just now or only have an occasional drink that’s fine, it’s your call. You do you.
if he wants to drink from time to time, I’d say it’s more important that he is transparent with you about what he is doing generally than the exact details of when and how much. If he is hiding it from you that’s not healthy - but he should not have to ‘report in’ to you or ask permission. He is a grown up - you cannot control someone else’s behaviour.
If his behaviour is or becomes that of an alcoholic then you don’t need to tolerate that. So set your boundaries now (assuming you’re able to commit to them) and make it clear that, for instance, if he can’t keep his consumption within reasonable limits, or if it affects his behaviour and reliability on a regular basis, you wont be able to live with him any longer and the relationship will be over. But that as long as you’re aware he has been/is having a drink (so you don’t leave him alone with the baby while drunk, or assume he is fit to drive when he isn’t) then he is welcome to do as he wishes. Or your boundary might be that you can only not drink if you live with someone tee total - in which case he has to decide whether that’s possible for him.

Time and his behaviour will show whether there is a genuine problem here or not, but from what you’ve said the issue to tackle right now is honesty - from him about not covering up any future drinking, and from you about where your boundaries lie.

hjytrjulykuyh · 07/12/2023 14:29

You were both alcoholics prior to the baby. I'd be extremely doubtful he was sober during the pregnancy frankly. It just doesn't ring true. Going from 60-80 units per week to zero? Would absolutely lead to withdrawal symptoms. You were very lucky you didn't come to any harm stopping cold turkey.

Anyone who has to sit with their partner and say 'right these are the rules, one beer only, on a weekend day only' unfortunately has an alcohol problem. Credit to you for trying to get on top of it, but you can't pull him along with you. I wouldn't want to bring a child up with someone drinking so regularly. I'd have gone spare if DH had a drink while DC was a newborn.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 07/12/2023 14:50

He hid it from you, because he knew you would fly off the handle over a beer.

DH and I used to love a drink before kids, then we had kids and it reduced. Now I only drink on the weekend which is usually 3 quarters of a bottle of wine (a very occasional small glass of wine midweek if it's been a shit day) and DH drinks more frequently but lesser amounts and is rarely drunk.

Just because you used to drink alot, as did he, doesn't mean that'll happen again. But ita not for you to dictate when he is permitted his one lonely bottle of beer.

You are heading into controlling behaviour territory..

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/12/2023 16:06

Congrats on your baby op. But seriously you need to calm TF down. He had a few beers. Doesn’t sound like he was close to being drunk. And you are jumping to sorting his life insurance?! Relax, enjoy your baby, enjoy the fact he’s a great partner and father.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread