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Original poster

14 year old, make up in school and self image

59 replies

collarring · 07/12/2023 09:44

I've just had a row with my 14 year old (15 in Feb) as she was about to go to school wearing 'contour' make up along her jawline. It looked grubby and was really badly applied - but that aside I'd asked her not to wear make up in school as it leaves an orangey ring on her uniform collar - and also because I think it's not necessary. So while it looked terrible, the row was more about honesty in that she said she wouldn't wear it and then just went right ahead and did. School rules are that light makeup is ok and she doesn't usually wear much other than some lip gloss and mascara.

She texted me from the train to school to say sorry about arguing but she just wants to look pretty and hates her jawline and chin (jawline and chin are perfectly 'normal'). In the past couple of months she has become more fixated on how she looks and keeps finding fault with her face and body. She also skips breakfast unless we sit and eat with her and even then it feels like she's trying to find ways to hide how little she's eating.

She seems ok in general: works hard and gets good grades, does lots of sport, very little friendship drama, and generally we've a good relationship. This unhappiness with how she looks is a new thing - as is the arguing. She has two older brothers with whom I didn't have this issue - or any issues really other than trying to get them to study a bit more than they wanted to - so this is new territory for me and I want to help her through it as best I can.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 07/12/2023 12:27

Whataretheodds · 07/12/2023 11:28

Cereal bars (picking out the less unhealthy ranges), single serve pain au chocolate etc.
Bit tangential but please don't do this - if you don't want breakfast first thing that's fine but those are dreadful for blood sugar which won't help.

I'm surprised at the reaction to checking her phone. Other posts have had consensus that at 14 you absolutely should be checking her phone periodically.

Feel free to list some easy grab and go foods which meet your health requirements.

Not all of us want a sit down meal at cock crow.

Whataretheodds · 07/12/2023 12:30

SecondUsername4me · 07/12/2023 12:27

Feel free to list some easy grab and go foods which meet your health requirements.

Not all of us want a sit down meal at cock crow.

Show quote history

Like I said, fine if you don't want breakfast first thing.

Natural yoghurt + banana or apple + seeds
Overnight oats
Wholegrain toast and nut butter

  • All can be made v portable.
Asuitableboy · 07/12/2023 12:34

I’m another one who would do what @NChance ’s mum did. There’s a big difference between watching contouring on YouTube and trying to find the right brushes and colours to do it.

mine is 13 and it is just so hard for girls these days, on so many dimensions.

MsClarice · 07/12/2023 12:46

Some of the language you're using OP, eg grubby, clownish, terrible... those words are going to be hard for her to get past. She's 14, she's started to wear and experiment with makeup and there's many ways you can support her. It's nothing to do with honesty. She's trying to be who she wants to be. You've said she used to be brave and confident.
I feel you need to look at your attributes and check them before you damage any bond you have.
My mother used language like you're using, towards me, as a teenager in the 80's when I was trying makeup. It's never left me.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 14:11

MsClarice · 07/12/2023 12:46

Some of the language you're using OP, eg grubby, clownish, terrible... those words are going to be hard for her to get past. She's 14, she's started to wear and experiment with makeup and there's many ways you can support her. It's nothing to do with honesty. She's trying to be who she wants to be. You've said she used to be brave and confident.
I feel you need to look at your attributes and check them before you damage any bond you have.
My mother used language like you're using, towards me, as a teenager in the 80's when I was trying makeup. It's never left me.

I said to my DD that the contour stripes looked ‘terrible’. I didn’t use any of those other words to her. I trust she’s resilient enough to get over her make up skills being critiqued, especially as it was followed by an apology.

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 07/12/2023 14:12

You should never tell your daughter she looks terrible. In any context. As a teen, she is already bombarded with media and people in her circle informing her of what's wrong.

You owe her an apology for that

You also shouldn't give her a hard time for 'lying' regarding the heavier makeup. She has an insecurity and knew you would give her a hard time, so she did it anyway. No amount of 'your jaw is normal, you're beautiful' is going to alleviate these concerns coming from her mum. It's a bit of makeup - if that's your only concern, you're doing well

retinolalcohol · 07/12/2023 14:14

Also we all had times when we were learning about makeup and it definitely could've been better applied. I look back at myself and think wow, what was I thinking with that eyeliner. I look ridiculous

Did it do any harm in the grand scheme of things? Nope. It's a weird hill to die on

MsClarice · 07/12/2023 14:45

Yes, she'll probably get over it but she won't forget it. You have been very derogatory about her on here. Again, I'd look at your reactions and behaviour in response to this perceived dishonesty.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 15:05

MsClarice · 07/12/2023 14:45

Yes, she'll probably get over it but she won't forget it. You have been very derogatory about her on here. Again, I'd look at your reactions and behaviour in response to this perceived dishonesty.

I didn’t think I was very derogatory about her in any way other than how she applied some contour make up. I’ve looked at my behaviour and said sorry to her. Honesty is an extremely important value in our family and worth emphasising. There’s so much dishonesty, corruption and lies in the world.

OP posts:
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