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AIBU?

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Original poster

14 year old, make up in school and self image

59 replies

collarring · 07/12/2023 09:44

I've just had a row with my 14 year old (15 in Feb) as she was about to go to school wearing 'contour' make up along her jawline. It looked grubby and was really badly applied - but that aside I'd asked her not to wear make up in school as it leaves an orangey ring on her uniform collar - and also because I think it's not necessary. So while it looked terrible, the row was more about honesty in that she said she wouldn't wear it and then just went right ahead and did. School rules are that light makeup is ok and she doesn't usually wear much other than some lip gloss and mascara.

She texted me from the train to school to say sorry about arguing but she just wants to look pretty and hates her jawline and chin (jawline and chin are perfectly 'normal'). In the past couple of months she has become more fixated on how she looks and keeps finding fault with her face and body. She also skips breakfast unless we sit and eat with her and even then it feels like she's trying to find ways to hide how little she's eating.

She seems ok in general: works hard and gets good grades, does lots of sport, very little friendship drama, and generally we've a good relationship. This unhappiness with how she looks is a new thing - as is the arguing. She has two older brothers with whom I didn't have this issue - or any issues really other than trying to get them to study a bit more than they wanted to - so this is new territory for me and I want to help her through it as best I can.

OP posts:
whereaw · 07/12/2023 11:07

What's the issue with wearing makeup at 14? I did, 20 years ago!

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 11:08

Mirrormeback · 07/12/2023 11:01

If you can't understand then there's no hope for the poor girl

How strange to send such a string of spiteful comments.

OP posts:
nicknamehelp · 07/12/2023 11:08

Firstly I think most of us wore badly applied makeup to school at that age so think you just have to roll with that - perhaps get her a make up lesson as a gift/make sure she has makeup/brushes she requires (my dd taught herself off youtube and now does my makeup for a night out).

I found vanish spray really helped get the brown stain off the collars, left to soak in for a while before washing.

Eating - if its just breakfast I wouldn't be too concerned perhaps ask house in general if there is anything new they would like for breakfast or have some cereal bars in so she can take one in her bag to eat on her way to school.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 11:12

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/12/2023 11:07

Checking a child's (she's 14!) phone is not a breach of trust or bullying. It's good parenting to be aware of what they're being exposed to online. It's not a diary, and any parenting guide will recommend having some sort of access to their internet use. Really it should have been established that access to a phone and all that entails would also come with the random checks before it was given. DD got a phone at 10, with limited app access, we don't check it very often but she knows we can and we have parental locks on things, timers for switch off etc which will be amended as she gets older. Precisely because we know what shit is on the internet and it's our job as parents to try and protect her as best we can.

We waited until she was 12 for her to get the phone and checking it was part of the deal, but we haven't felt the need to. We do have parental controls, and it goes off from 8:30 pm. Maybe I'm totally naïve but now and then I'll ask what she's looking at and it's usually stuff to do with studying - she uses language and other apps.

OP posts:
squeekychicken · 07/12/2023 11:12

With the make up, I'd just casually say 'oh you've a bit there that needs blended a bit, pass me the sponge and I'll do it'.

We have breakfast every morning. I want my dd to go to school with a good meal in her belly (she also is very sporty and trains 6 times per week). It's lovely time for a chat too. Dd (12) is becoming more conscious of food /calories but i just use the 'you need this so that you can keep up with your sports'. Her coaches are really good at also promoting good healthy diet.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 11:15

squeekychicken · 07/12/2023 11:12

With the make up, I'd just casually say 'oh you've a bit there that needs blended a bit, pass me the sponge and I'll do it'.

We have breakfast every morning. I want my dd to go to school with a good meal in her belly (she also is very sporty and trains 6 times per week). It's lovely time for a chat too. Dd (12) is becoming more conscious of food /calories but i just use the 'you need this so that you can keep up with your sports'. Her coaches are really good at also promoting good healthy diet.

Yes, much better approach - I'm ashamed to say I blurted 'that looks terrible' to her. I absolutely won't do that again and feel pretty bad about it now. That's great your DD's coaches promote a healthy diet. I think in a calmer environment at the weekend we can have a proper chat about make up etc...

OP posts:
NChance · 07/12/2023 11:17

Would she like a makeup lesson?
I was wearing that dream matte mousse at her age and my mum just phrased it as "a nice treat"
Took me to prescriptives (sadly no longer) and paid for a makeup lesson and some products
I learned stuff like how to conceal spots, making sure foundation shade matched and not using it to bronze, and wearing makeup in a subtle way

Yes you don't have to wear makeup but my mum was "if you're wearing it now or in future then at least you know how to put stuff on"

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 11:18

SilverCatStripes · 07/12/2023 11:03

I think it must be incredibly difficult for teenagers to develop confidence in them selves when they are constantly bombarded with filtered /posed shots online, and it’s really important to help them learn to love themselves just as they are but of course part of that is experimenting with your clothes/looks etc, but you don’t want her to fall in the trap of getting so used to the made up version of her self she doesn’t appreciate her real own lovely face. What a minefield !!

Can you spend a little time showing her the difference between “curated” images and ordinary photos - there are some influencers who do occasionally post along the lines of this is my instagram photo but this is a photo of me not posing/ no filter etc, it may help your DD see that people look much different in real life to filtered/posed photos.

You sound like you have a great relationship with your DD OP, mine is only 10 so I have all of this yet to come.

Thank you, that's a great point about the curated and ordinary images. We do generally have a good relationship I think, and I feel terrible about arguing. Keeping the lines of communication open seems to be the key and I did very badly this morning. It's a minefield in ways but hopefully doesn't have to blow up too often! Good luck with your 10 year old. Being bombarded with beauty images etc isn't easy for any of us I guess.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 07/12/2023 11:19

I don't think I've eaten breakfast at 7/8am since I was at Primary. I'm nearly 40 now and no disordered eating at all. I just never (and still dont) fancy food at that time of day.

Stock up on some easy grab stuff she can put in her blazer pocket. Cereal bars (picking out the less unhealthy ranges), single serve pain au chocolate etc. Then it's there for her to grab and eat (if she fancies) on her trip to school.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 11:23

NChance · 07/12/2023 11:17

Would she like a makeup lesson?
I was wearing that dream matte mousse at her age and my mum just phrased it as "a nice treat"
Took me to prescriptives (sadly no longer) and paid for a makeup lesson and some products
I learned stuff like how to conceal spots, making sure foundation shade matched and not using it to bronze, and wearing makeup in a subtle way

Yes you don't have to wear makeup but my mum was "if you're wearing it now or in future then at least you know how to put stuff on"

What a great mum, she sounds more realistic than I'm being. What was a bit startling was my DD had big stripes of orange-brown half rubbed in along her jawline and that was it.

OP posts:
jadey1991 · 07/12/2023 11:24

Hi op, sorry you are going through this. I think the make up situation is not the important thing here. I think its the eating.
Your daughter is going through a point in life where she will explore make up, clothing etc etc. Believe me I have a 25 year old daughter so I've been there.

Have u tried to speak woth ur daughter and find out why she thinks need jawline and chin aren't perfect? Has/is she being bullied?

ThinWomansBrain · 07/12/2023 11:26

Not the answer to your problems - as others have said, let her get on with the make up if she's not breaking school rules - but at 14, let her start finding out what a pain it is to get the badly applied make up out of white school shirts.

Whataretheodds · 07/12/2023 11:28

Cereal bars (picking out the less unhealthy ranges), single serve pain au chocolate etc.
Bit tangential but please don't do this - if you don't want breakfast first thing that's fine but those are dreadful for blood sugar which won't help.

I'm surprised at the reaction to checking her phone. Other posts have had consensus that at 14 you absolutely should be checking her phone periodically.

Beamur · 07/12/2023 11:29

I think having breakfast together is a nice way to connect before school.
Teenage girls can be incredibly sensitive souls. Criticism of any kind cuts deep.
You've already said that you will be more careful of saying anything about the makeup in future. I think that's wise. I wouldn't offer tips or lessons either. The contouring is the thing now - it looks good in photos but a bit weird irl. If she likes it, I would just ignore it. Personally I find the enthusiasm for vast fake eyelashes hard to understand 😁
Regarding the shirts, just accept they're going to get mucky. Boil them, buy more, whatever.
I'd keep a light touch around the eating but keep an eye on it.
Parenting teens is hard. We don't get it right all of the time. Anyone who thinks they do are almost certainly wrong about that.

justasking111 · 07/12/2023 11:33

I still remember my mother saying I looked like a clown in make-up and lipstick made me look as if I had jam around my mouth because it was too big.

Be careful OP thoughtless comments cut deep.

SullysBabyMama · 07/12/2023 11:40

Absolutely normal to wear make up to school at her age, she will likely do so for work as an adult and so may aswell get some practise now so it’s not badly applied when she’s an adult.
Also to skip breakfast is normal. Plenty of people can’t stomach food that early. Does she buy a snack at break?
Texting to apologise? She sounds like a lovely girl. Good job Mama.

NChance · 07/12/2023 11:42

@collarring I suspect she was just as shocked when I appeared with drawn on eyebrows and an orange face but managed to hide it Grin

It did help and I still love makeup

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 11:42

I wouldn't have asked her not to wear makeup in the first place, to be honest. I think it's up to them to choose. I also think saying 'it's not necessary' is a bit unhelpful. I mean, of course it's not 'necessary' but neither are a lot of the things we choose to do every day. Makeup isn't meant to be 'necessary'.

Of course her jawline is perfectly normal but it's also perfectly normal for teenagers to go through phases of insecurity about their looks. Trying to stop her wear makeup won't help with that; if it makes her feel better then I'd just ignore it. Bad application isn't really an issue either; bad makeup is part of being 14 and experimenting.

The food thing, however, is a worry. It's great that you have a good relationship in general and it sounds like the two of you are good at talking to each other, so maybe it's time for an open, kind, non-judgmental chat about food, eating and body image. The makeup thing I would just ignore.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/12/2023 11:54

I would be supporting her to reflect critically on social media and the sites she is engaging with and whether they are good for her wellbeing.

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 11:54

The food thing may be a symptom of disordered eating, but it may also just be a case of her not feeling hungry in the morning. I don’t eat breakfast as I don’t want food for at least a couple of hours after getting up, and that’s been the case since I was a teenager. Forcing yourself to eat when you’re not hungry isn’t enjoyable.

Diorama1 · 07/12/2023 11:56

collarring · 07/12/2023 11:08

How strange to send such a string of spiteful comments.

Show quote history

OP I have reported mirrormeback for the comments - unnecessary and designed purely to upset and get a reaction - ignore.

Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 12:00

Diorama1 · 07/12/2023 11:56

OP I have reported mirrormeback for the comments - unnecessary and designed purely to upset and get a reaction - ignore.

Show quote history

Thank you. What does someone gain from being so nasty?!

OP posts:
Original poster
collarring · 07/12/2023 12:03

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 11:42

I wouldn't have asked her not to wear makeup in the first place, to be honest. I think it's up to them to choose. I also think saying 'it's not necessary' is a bit unhelpful. I mean, of course it's not 'necessary' but neither are a lot of the things we choose to do every day. Makeup isn't meant to be 'necessary'.

Of course her jawline is perfectly normal but it's also perfectly normal for teenagers to go through phases of insecurity about their looks. Trying to stop her wear makeup won't help with that; if it makes her feel better then I'd just ignore it. Bad application isn't really an issue either; bad makeup is part of being 14 and experimenting.

The food thing, however, is a worry. It's great that you have a good relationship in general and it sounds like the two of you are good at talking to each other, so maybe it's time for an open, kind, non-judgmental chat about food, eating and body image. The makeup thing I would just ignore.

Thanks, and noted. I usually ignore the fake eyelashes at the weekend etc., I think I overreacted as this just looked so clownish and it seems so insecure that it was because she hated an intrinsic part of herself. And I know Phillipa Perry is great on lots of counts but I can’t say I agree with her about dishonesty

OP posts:
Ohnoooooooo · 07/12/2023 12:15

Take her to some one who can show her how to apply her makeup. Quite frankly I leave my daughter to it - teens have a hypersensitive approach to their looks there is a biological reason why it’s to do with their brain editing stuff and their decision making process while this happening moves to the a rudimantary place in their brain. Their decision making is not fully rational again until 21/25 hence the high car insurance rates until that age.
My theory with my daughter is to leave her to do what she thinks is nice and her thinking will evolve over time. I am more worried about knocking her confidence in this tricky world than her makeup application. It’s more important that she thinks she looks nice as she will act confident rather than me trying to tell her what to do.

Spinet · 07/12/2023 12:26

I think if making honesty as an overarching principle the hill you're going to die on then you're going to have lots of unnecessary arguments about make-up on shirt collars and whether or not she's done her maths homework. Honesty about safety matters like where you are and whether you're eating enough are in a different category and it's better to treat them differently.

I'm not claiming to be an expert on teens but having two is teaching me this.