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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No presents?

30 replies

blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 06:18

My DH and I are childfree not by choice. It has been a journey to accept this but it's probably best in the long run for us (health issues etc).

My DM died a couple of years ago. When she was alive, I would receive birthday and Xmas presents from her and my two closest aunties. They did the same for my DH. Now she's passed away they don't even send a birthday card even though they know when it is. I suppose my DM had been reminding them but it was a shock to go from a few cards and presents to none at all. It's odd to me because we are still in touch and they visit sometimes and check in, and supported me during the bereavement. My DF also died over a decade ago.

We have always sent birthday cards and presents, more recently just cards unless a big birthday. My aunties buy presents for their children and grandchildren, I think one of them assumed we would eventually have a child, but since we aren't she has seemed less and less interested in our lives.

On DH's side we have a nephew but have recently fallen out with SIL (she said some awful things to us regarding my health issues) so we are just sending presents for nephew this Xmas. DH is no contact with his dad for similar reasons and past emotional abuse. His mother died a few years ago. SIL would often forget my birthday or promise presents which never arrived. They usually did Xmas presents though.

AIBU to be sad that our only presents will be from each other this year and probably always now? We do have childfree friends but they are bad at gifts and cards and I don't like to assume that people can afford it. I don't get birthday cards or anything from friends either. The only time I have was when my DH reminded some people and they sent things because I had had a rough year.

We have a neighbour with young children who we get along with and they have very little family around, so we get them a present each too, but never anything in return.

I suppose it's a silly question because I'm not giving just to receive, or I would have stopped ages ago. I like to get in the spirit of the season, but it would just be nice to have a card or something from others occasionally. I think people forget that people without children can feel a little empty at Xmas.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/12/2023 06:51

People are cutting back for financial reasons, plus there’s the faff of thinking what to buy and getting it. Plus, I personally don’t see why people buy for adults unless it’s your child or parent. Therefore YABU.

Pugdays · 07/12/2023 06:55

I assumed that's how it was for all adults
I don't get presents from anyone except my husband and many of my friends don't either.
It never occurred to me to expect presents from other adults ,they are all to busy buying for children.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 07/12/2023 06:58

Well think yourself lucky I won’t get anything at all and haven’t got over five years.

Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 06:59

I suppose in this case they are buying for other adults (they also buy for inlaws and other adults in my family) but not for us.

With birthdays, most adults I know get presents from friends or family or go out for a meal or drinks, we never do. We don't get birthday messages either from anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 07:04

Not trying to dripfeed but I am also a bit sensitive about the childfree part. Someone asked me why we are bothering to put up a Xmas tree if we don't have children. I like putting up the tree but it made me feel sad that adults often don't get to share joy at Xmas if there are no children. I tried to organise a Xmas gathering for friends but no one is available.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 07/12/2023 07:04

As I have gotten older I don’t expect presents. It’s nice to get a gift but I guess I’m not that fussed whether or not I get presents. I no longer want to celebrate my birthday either. I just want to relax. I know a lot of adults who also feel that way too. Especially as we start to get on in years.

So, maybe in addition to the rise in cost of living and the fact that you’re an adult they don’t realise how important it is to you.

Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 07:08

I think in my case we spent some years living abroad and no one came to visit, we did all the visiting, and we have never felt like people were thinking of us. So maybe the presents symbolise that to me. But it's more about us being alone on Xmas and no one checking in as well. Or not checking in on birthdays. I don't expect things to be arranged for birthdays but when I have arranged something casual (a movie night at our house etc) people turn it down.

I understand people have family priorities but I suppose that's it, we don't really have a family anymore and never will.

OP posts:
cigarettesNalcohol · 07/12/2023 07:14

The only adult who buys for me is my mum and my husband. Sorry for your loss. Only receiving a small present from spouse is normal

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 07/12/2023 07:19

The only adults who buy for me is my parents (this year only Dad left) and PIL. The only adults I buy for is them.

Other than some friendship groups who do secrete santa I don’t know any other adults who buy gifts for adults who aren’t in a parent/child or child/grandparent relationship.

salamirose · 07/12/2023 07:21

blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 07:04

Not trying to dripfeed but I am also a bit sensitive about the childfree part. Someone asked me why we are bothering to put up a Xmas tree if we don't have children. I like putting up the tree but it made me feel sad that adults often don't get to share joy at Xmas if there are no children. I tried to organise a Xmas gathering for friends but no one is available.

Who asked that?! That's a really weird thing to say. Most the adults I know have a Christmas tree!

Sprogonthetyne · 07/12/2023 07:24

I know it's not really the same, but we send out cards to the whole street, as do about half the neighbours. I love the sense of community and really enjoy finding them pushed through the door, even if they are just "to 63, best wishes from Mike & Sue (78)".

Would you consider buying a cheap box of cards to send out and seeing what comes back?

Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 07:26

I think they also meant because we don't have children visiting to see the tree either. So because our Xmas won't involve children there's no point. It was a friend who has children.

Maybe my perception is skewed re: presents because I have a lot of friends in the USA and they are mostly childfree still and they have big family gatherings with presents for adults, so from their parents, aunts, siblings etc. I remember one of them being upset when a sibling stopped buying presents for her childfree relatives but still expected presents for her children.

OP posts:
Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 07:28

@Sprogonthetyne yes, we might send out a few more cards that we have spare. I don't know the neighbours very well except the ones I mentioned in the OP (they used to rent next door but bought a house down the street). We usually put a card for our other side neighbour but may try some others.

OP posts:
BeenRoundThatBlock · 07/12/2023 07:36

Just wanted to say I completely understand how this feels. DP and I are the same. We both come from very small families (no cousins, nieces/nephews; one sibling each and we are all childfree). Over the years the friend group has all moved further away from each other.

We've gone from friend gatherings regularly throughout the year with a big one including presents on New Year's Eve to - absolutely nothing.

Me and DP give each other lovely gifts and we have a tree etc but that's all. We do have a lovely Christmas together with much-needed time off work, nice food, walks and little trips out. And I do enjoy that.

But at the same time, it feels very small and I agree it makes me feel forgotten and, yes, unloved! Not the lack of presents but more the lack of company and friendship.

Not just at Christmas but all year round.

So I get it and I feel for you, OP.

FatFatMary · 07/12/2023 07:44

I very rarely get presents at all since about 16. It would be nice actually. People can just think that’s for kids. I agree to an extent but not fully.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/12/2023 07:51

I’m single and childless and my parents are dead. Reading this, I’m grateful for the three or four friends who do send me a gift. Mostly I buy my own Christmas and birthday presents though.

OrigamiOwl · 07/12/2023 07:57

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 07/12/2023 06:58

Well think yourself lucky I won’t get anything at all and haven’t got over five years.

It's not a race to the bottom... Other people are allowed to feel sad.

Seashor · 07/12/2023 07:58

I understand how you feel op. I have three neighbours who are alone and I always do each of them a stocking for Christmas because I feel sad that they would probably otherwise have nothing.

AuntieDolly · 07/12/2023 08:04

Why don't you have say £30 each to spend on items from the charity shop for each other? Fun to open, low cost and can be donated again afterwards if you don't want to keep them.

noooooooo · 07/12/2023 08:11

@blitzenvixen we’ll see a lot of posts come Christmas night from women who knocked their pans in creating a lovely day for their families but whose husbands couldn’t arse themselves to try at all, not even a card. Your DH cares, which seems by no means a given, so there’s that.

I do understand about feeling overlooked. My best mate is single, no kids but she buys mine a gift and always has done. They reciprocate (well I do, with their names on the tags, god knows what she’d get 😝). She says ‘don’t bother, I’m an adult,’ but I know it pleases her really. I always think of that episode of SATC where Carrie gets wound up by her married mum pal being a taker.

Wineisnottheanswer · 07/12/2023 08:15

Christmas highlights how we feel about family. I have lots of friends who I see weekly until December then all too busy with family. They know my family are dead

TeenLifeMum · 07/12/2023 08:15

Christmas trees and decorations aren’t just for dc!

re visiting, I think it’s hard to visit friends who live abroad - cost/time etc and most friendships are based on the here and now.

at Christmas I buy gifts for relatives but I’ve recently stopped for cousins as they’re all adults and never buy me or my dc (their goddaughters) gifts.

I think the reduction of gifts is a normal thing as we get older and friends have family gifts to buy. I never do Christmas gifts for friends and birthdays… I organise a meal out rather than wait for friends to do that.

Make the season about you and your dh having time together and doing things you enjoy and ignore people who can’t understand the concept of not having dc. It will change as friends’ dc get older but you’re not at that point yet.

ALightOverThere · 07/12/2023 08:21

Sounds like this is less about wanting presents and more about the losses you’ve experienced- losing your parents, your hopes for a child, and smaller losses like your DH’s relationship with his sister and your relationship with your aunts. And not receiving presents makes all that a bit more concrete.

I really feel for you. I’d suggest throwing yourself into Christmas as much as you want- of course you don’t need kids to have a tree etc. Develop your own traditions with your husband, which might include doing more things with friends.

Godwindar · 07/12/2023 08:25

Buy each other really lovely gifts, gifts that you couldn't afford if you had kids, make it really special opening them on Xmas morning. If you have pets, get them gifts as well. Of course you can have a tree up with no kids! You can also eat exactly what you want. Christmas with kids and loads of relatives is often stressful. In later years, I came to love boxing day when I would just spend the day in bed and do nothing!

Original poster
blitzenvixen · 07/12/2023 08:31

Thank you for all the understanding replies, you articulated my feelings very well too.

We have two cats but they have never been interested in toys except as kittens so we never know what to buy them! They also are not interested in human food, except for my boy cat who always tries to sip my tea.

I'm sorry others here have similar issues but glad to know I'm not the only one. I am looking forward to opening my presents from DH (i need to send him a list every year but I don't know what he has bought from it) and seeing him open his.

I might arrange a secret Santa for friends next year if they want to. I am the organiser in the group but I think that's because all my friends are in rented/shared accommodation and we own a small house so it's where we host things. I asked them if they wanted a costume party next year for Halloween and they were excited so maybe I should just be more specific or forward with plans. I try not to put pressure on and sometimes it can be too casual.

OP posts:
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