How to be a good listener?

[Hotchocolateandmarshmallow]

A very good friend has told me her husband has just been diagnosed with cancer. I want to be a good listener because I am often not. When it comes to serious topics, I tend to fill in pauses with nervous chatter etc. I really want to be a good friend to her. How do I calm down enough to just listen! I feel so awkward and emotionally inept in situations like this.

I do have experience of pain but not like this. The most painful thing I have been through is infertility and IVF. That’s the only knowledge I have on medical procedures and constant appointments etc. It’s not something I ever talked about though and I know it’s really nothing like this. I don’t ever want to trivialise what they are going through. I just mention this as I may be able to draw on my feelings of resentment, anger, hurt confusion etc with the infertility diagnosis in the same way as they feel with the cancer diagnosis?

Or do I not need to draw on any knowledge but just actively listen? What does that really mean? I’m scared I’m going to end up making them feel worse. Another friend is also going through cancer, but it’s her brother. She has said she wants to meet and be cheered up. I’m scared I’m either going to end up unnaturally babbling in an attempt to cheer her up or dwelling on it and making her feel crap. God, I wish i was better at this

Ask her! "Do you want to talk about it? Do you mind if I ask questions?"

It's easier to be a good listener if you are active in the conversation, with things like "when is the next appointment?" "What is the treatment plan". But the one really big question is "Hoe are YOU coping /managing?"

Think of it as the circle of support. The circle in the middle is the ill person, the next circle is your friend and their DC, the next circle would be other family (parents and siblings), next circle friends, and out it gnomes. Support goes inwards, and the people in the middle lean outwards.

That means that your friend is supporting her DH, and you in turn support her. Please, please don't cry in her shoulder (which is NOT the same as not showing upset, it is good to show that it is upsetting for you too).

My DSis had breast cancer and had her MIL crying all over her whenever she saw her, SHE was forced to support her MIL so she started to just walk out whenever it happened. Not her job to support her MIL when she herself was the one with cancer.

Thank you. So is it good to ask questions like that? In my family we always say never to ask questions because it is prying. And for me myself when I went through IVF etc I didn’t share it with anyone apart from my husband and Mum. But I know it is normal for most people to talk about things. My mum always says don’t talk about X or Y because it is private. So I tend to think people don’t want to be asked because I know I don’t but do you think people want to be asked directly what the treatment plan is? Thank you for your perspective and knowledge

Everyone is different. Your mum is probably on the extreme about not talking about anything, and it likely has limited you (both in terms of developing friendships and in dealing with your own issues I suspect).

Tell your friend

"Hey X, I'm here for you. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. If you want someone to talk to about it, a shoulder to cry on, or just some company while you try not to think about it for a bit, just let me know. Whatever you need. I don't want to pry, I don't want you to feel you HAVE to tell me things you're not comfortable telling me. Whatever YOU need. ❤️"

I've been working on listening too. The trick is to just not speak. To think, am I waiting my turn to speak? Or to think that you already know what you think. To be quiet means you find out more.

Just about everyone finds it difficult to know what to say, when it’s cancer, I can promise you that! I’ve had cancer, so I know a bit about it. People are scared of cancer, even the word scares them. When I had cancer, some of my friends actively avoided me.

You are off to a good start, as you’re not running away from your friends. Everyone is different so there’s no set rules. Just being there helps. A hand hold or a hug is lovely. Little gifts worked for me. A plant, a bar of chocolate or some flowers were all thoughtful gifts I received. My closest friend turned up at my house with some shopping and some homemade dinners. So actual practical stuff can be very touching.

You will soon know if your friends want to talk. There’s no real need for you to say much at all. Listen very carefully to what they say. Just having someone actually listening was a great comfort.

There were one or two things that got on my nerves. These included comments like, “you have to stay positive”. That one made me want to scream and stamp my feet! Some folk think they are helping by telling you how to feel. That’s the biggest pitfall to avoid.

Actually, you sound lovely and caring, so I think you will be okay. Your friends are lucky to have someone who cares. I’m sorry your friends are going through this, it’s tough.

@Sholkedabemus There were one or two things that got on my nerves. These included comments like, “you have to stay positive”. That one made me want to scream and stamp my feet! Some folk think they are helping by telling you how to feel. That’s the biggest pitfall to avoid.

Along with "it will all be ok!" Will it? Will it really? How do you KNOW that!

Different situation but I had friends telling me that when they had no idea whether it would be ok or not. The "power of positive thinking" brigade really got on my nerves.

Lots of great advice here.
Just be a sounding board, unshockable and steady as a rock.
It's not one of those times to chime in with your own experience - unless you have been through the same thing - this is just about being there for them.

I also have a friend going through an awful cancer and chemo experience. She finds it comforting to know that she can message and say "having the worst day" and she won't get platitudes or worse, I'll just say "I don't blame you for feeling like that" or similar.
Just be there when she needs to let out some of the dark thoughts.

You're a good friend OP.

I think the error that's easy to make, is feeling like you have to say something, because you don't. I wouldn't try and pre-empt how she's feeling either. I find a good starting point (with anything) is usually, "I'm really sorry to hear about your diagnosis, it must be really difficult. If you ever want to talk or need anything, I'm here for you."

Just letting her know that you're there and that you want to be a good friend is more than enough.

It’s great that you are thinking about this. What a lovely friend.

People tend to listen with the intent to reply. Try listening with the intent to understand.

Main thing is not talking much and allowing silence. Counting to 20 in your head can help to maintain the silence.

I like the idea above of asking if they mind you asking questions. The messages above are good too.

Don’t try and make it better. You can’t. But being there will help. A text once a day/regularly just to say ‘No need to reply but sending you love’ or similar.

An active listening skill is a reflection. So reflecting back what the person has said. It shows you’ve listened and understood. You can do this verbatim or paraphrase. if you look up active listening on you tube you’ll pick up some tips.

Empathy versus sympathy video by Bene Brown might be helpful.

I'd ask her if she wants to talk and just let her talk. Don't try and change the subject or make pointless, reassuring comments just for the sake of it.
I had cancer and I didn't mind when people made awkward remarks but what really hurt me was when people avoided me. Or even worse the friends who saw me but somehow didn't allow me to talk about it. They did everything in their power not to talk about it. I was desperately scared and just wanted to be able to voice my fears but they were so uncomfortable with it that I had to keep it all in.

Thank you all. Your advice has really helped me. Love Mumsnet at times like this. Can be such a caring and helpful community

Great that you’re thinking about this - you obviously care very much. As others have said, you need to be led by her to some extent, but also probably to actively offer her the opportunity to talk if she does want to. I’ve had the experience of a friend I was close to at the time just avoiding all the difficult stuff that I needed to talk to. I totally accept it must have been hard for her and also that I could have actively offered more. But I don’t feel I’ve ever really managed to move past this in the friendship to be honest.