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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not spending the exact same amount on dc and sdc

24 replies

Dateandfigjam · 06/12/2023 22:50

I do all the Christmas shopping as dh works away/long hours. This year he has his dc over Xmas (we also have dc together).

I do the Xmas shopping, he had got his dc to do lists but they didn’t ask for much , same with ours so I got those bits and a few other things plus stocking fillers etc . Just things I know they’d like . The thing is he has now asked me how much did I spend and was it the same on each dc - it wasn’t - I just got them a similar amount of gifts each , that I know they’ll all be happy with and it didn’t matter that I spent less on some and more on others ??!! They all have a similar number of gifts each . He’s saying I need to go back and add up and Make sure the same is spent on all four dc 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

Flickersy · 06/12/2023 22:52

Tell him to go and do the shopping if it's that important to him.

Unless you've spent £1k on one child and £10 on the other he can pipe down.

Motnight · 06/12/2023 22:52

If he isn't happy with what you have bought he has a few weeks still to do some present buying of his own.

Original poster

Dateandfigjam · 06/12/2023 23:00

Motnight · 06/12/2023 22:52

If he isn't happy with what you have bought he has a few weeks still to do some present buying of his own.

Yes that’s how I feel I know he works a lot but he still could have ordered things himself if he isn’t happy with how I do things !

Our youngest has had the least spent bit actually his pile of gifts looks the biggest as he wanted 2 huge squishy toy things ! Our dd mostly wanted books and craft stuff and an expensive water cup😂 And one of dh dds wanted hair straighteners the other a perfume so obviously they are going to be loads smaller but more expensive, but each dc has around 10 gifts each plus stockings and i thought it was all fine

OP posts:

Original poster

Dateandfigjam · 06/12/2023 23:03

His main issue is our youngest has had a lot less spent and he wants to make sure his dc have had the exact same amount spent on each when I don’t think it matters as long as same amount of gifts and all are happy with their gifts

OP posts:

MinervatheGreat · 06/12/2023 23:08

He’s being pathetic.
What world does he live in?
Stand your ground and send him out or onto Amazon web site to add to whatever pile he thinks needs boosting.

pastaandpesto · 06/12/2023 23:09

Focusing on what will make the DC happy is a much healthier way to approach presents than obsessing over spending the same on each child, which seems rather commercial and transactional.

If he has a problem with it, he can bloody sort it.

Presumably the SDC will also be getting presents from their other parent? So will in fact get twice as many presents as your joint DC? Not that I would suggest you consciously spend less on them because of this, but equally it isn't irrelevant either.

hby9628 · 06/12/2023 23:10

I try to make sure the kids have a similar number of presents rather than the amount spent although to be honest I'm not sure they would notice. Just send him pics of what you've got them all so he can see it looks similar.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 06/12/2023 23:13

What kind of difference are we talking about? The odd £5 or so I just could not get worked up about. I’d also happily short change a child young enough to be into soft toys. Spending the cost of typical teen presents (phone/hair straighteners/branded trainers etc) buys an awful lot of plastic tat for a preschooler, much more than I’d want to give. They won’t know or care.

Say it was £50 though, between children old enough for hair straighteners and perfume, I would probably try to even out. I think by tween/teen stage they’re perfectly well old enough to understand the idea of expensive but small things and not having the same number of parcels. And I can understand how with step child issues in the mix he wants to be fair.

But I also think this is definitely his problem to sort out, it’s not your job. Presumably they have internet shopping wherever he is “working away”.

assessedorregreased · 06/12/2023 23:13

I try and spend a similar amount on all my kids.

Obviously one might end up with less gifts as they ask for more expensive things.

Personally I like to spend the same amount on each as I don't want any resentment (which I very much doubt would happen anyway).

However, tell your DH you've finished the shopping and if he wants them to have more then he can go and buy them!

TheChosenTwo · 06/12/2023 23:14

I’ve never in my life added up what I’ve spent on each dc. They get a similar (and again I don’t know if it’s the same as I don’t count them) amount to open and it wouldn’t be the case that one of them had got a new console and the others just had 2 books, it’s fairly balanced as one or two main more expensive things each and then a similar amount of the rest. I buy according to what they asked for, what I think they would like and a few things they need.
Dh has no idea what gets bought until Christmas day and if any criticism came my way he’d be doing it all himself the following year.
I’d explain to your dh what you’ve bought and ask him what he’s going to buy to even it up as he’s concerned.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 23:33

Tell him to do his own damn shopping. He doesnt get to opt out of parenting because he works.

OftIwandered · 06/12/2023 23:41

I had a friend who used to tie herself in knots every Christmas trying to spend the same amount on each of her 4 children, on the same number and size of presents! Obviously you don't want to be wildly mismatched but these kids each had a huge pile to open. She spent Christmas Eve looking for a 2 large presents for A for £35, something small for B for £5, another large and a small present for C for £25 combined...

Older children will have more idea of monetary value than younger ones but I hope mine enjoy and are grateful for their gifts, not comparing with each other

NuffSaidSam · 06/12/2023 23:42

It doesn't matter for the little ones.

It possibly matters if one teen has a £20 bottle of perfume and the other a £200 pair of straighteners. If they're broadly the same then it's fine and he can wind his neck in.

MochaFrappe · 06/12/2023 23:42

Are your SDC receiving presents also from their other parent?

hellsBells246 · 06/12/2023 23:44

He's being a twat. If he cared that much, he'd have done the shopping 🙄

Plus, his dc will have gifts from their mum, while yours will only have gifts from your side of the family...

WrongSwanson · 06/12/2023 23:45

I don't think you have to ensure it's exact to the nearest £5/£10

But equally I don't think the spend should be broadly equivalent

(Have four children and grew up as one of four.)

GrumpyPanda · 07/12/2023 00:10

Dateandfigjam · 06/12/2023 23:03

Did he fo an excel table? Wanker.

Bournetilly · 07/12/2023 00:16

What is the difference/ how much have you spent on each? How old are the children and will the children who have had less spent even notice?

If they are younger I doubt they will even notice that they haven’t had as much spent on them, younger children would be more likely to count how many gifts everyone has so I think it’s fine that everyone has the same amount. Also it’s not like you’ve left SDC out as theve had the most spent on them. Theres no point buying things just for the sake of it.

If they were around age 10+ then I would try to spend a similar amount on each as they are more likely to know the value of money.

Shep21 · 07/12/2023 08:11

My MIL always bangs on about how she’d spend the exact amount on both kids (pound shop items to match the cost etc!). However, growing up it wasn’t quite the same for me. We got similar spent, but not exact. It was probably more of a how did it look to us thing. It could be to do with how you were both brought up, so maybe ask him about that?

Namenamchange · 07/12/2023 08:14

Surely it depends on how much the difference is and whether the children would know.

Bertiesmum3 · 07/12/2023 08:18

So he’d be happy with you spending £100 on 10 gifts for one child and £100 on 1 gift for another, as they have both had £100 spent on them?
im like you if 1 child has 10 gifts then so do the others!

Tiredmum100 · 07/12/2023 08:26

He's being silly. It's literally buying for the sake of it. Also, why doesn't he sort it all if he's that bothered. I have 2 dc, aged 10 and 11, they have a similar size pile each this year, but I've probably spent a little bit more on dc 1, as he's had a couple of slightly more expensive gifts, they're not going to notice or care! Next year, it Will probably be the other way round.

ElAmerico · 07/12/2023 08:35

I'm with him if the difference is 25 quids or more it shows favouritism but i do think he should have chosen at least most of his own kid's gifts rather than drop that job on you.

Catza · 07/12/2023 09:53

Ask him if children are expecting receipts with their gifts. Every year we have these endless threads about spend limits, it is absolutely baffling and I want to know who these people are who demand to see receipts. Kids (and adults) don't care how much their gifts cost. They only care if they got something they wanted.
Obviously, if one child gets a book and another a trip to Disneyland, we can talk about fairness but demanding the exact same spend on every person is insane.

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