Scenario is essentially that stepson that dh has from prev relationship is 13 years older than our 2yo.
We both agree that we would be lost without our siblings and used to pity the stepson for not having the benefit of other kids to grow up with however now dh using the argument of ‘already has a brother’ as enough of a sibling relationship to mean this box is ticked and we don’t need to have any more.
for me, because I’m not bio parent, anything I have to say is taken defensively and as if I am discounting the stepson because not ‘mine’ however this couldn’t be further from the truth. I suppose I still feel ridden with guilt of not giving our toddler the chance to have the childhood relationship I did, whereas he doesn’t share this due to the different viewpoint and I’m probably looking to validate my own feelings as ‘not crazy’ more than anything else!
my reasons for believing this doesn’t represent a ‘true’ sibling relationship in the way I envisaged our toddler having one, ie one similar to my own experience, is I wanted her having someone to share a childhood with - so the reasons are really primarily the age gap, and less so, the fact that we don’t live in the same house and only see my stepson each weekend. adding to this, he’ll be in uni by the time she starts primary school and therefore just seems so unlikely that they’ll develop a close relationship during their childhood - Id think this even if they were both biologically mine with the age gap, though I can see why people might assume it’s because im biased and accuse me of not ‘counting’ him for other reasons.
I also worry about dc feeling like the outside looking in as stepson has another sister on his mums side a couple of years older and can already see the difference - eg he’ll do his Spanish homework and mention her as his sister and forget about the other or buy one sweets in the shop to ‘bring home’ to the other sister. I may be taking this far too thick and my little one is far too small to notice any of that at the minute, but it breaks my heart to think she might notice that in time and not feel as important or like the ‘real’ sister - whereas I think if she had a sibling her own generation who lived here full time then this might not sting as much.
I completely realise the irony here is that the stepson could already feel like th e outsider looking in as both parents have new partners and a new child each who live with them full time while he doesn’t have that luxury, and I feel for him so much on this front. but that’s something that cannot be changed and the upside is he is somewhat of a celebrity as the older sibling - they are dying for his attention but he is a teenager and understandably has limited interest in cartoons and toddler babble. he seems to have a great group of friends which is comforting.
I guess I am wondering AIBU to think that we haven’t quite achieved our shared goal of giving our toddler a sibling to grow up with, like we both agreed was so fundamental to our own childhoods?