Shouting at kids

[Ghostwritersinc]

I’m not sure if this is an AIBU or not, but hoping for some advice really.

I feel as though no matter how hard I try not to, I always end up shouting at my children (6 & 3) I really don’t want to be that parent, I grew up in a shouty house and wanted to make changes when bringing up my children, but I think I’m falling into he same behaviour anyway.

I try counting to ten before responding, muttering under my breath mostly and taking deep breaths, but my kids just don’t listen, the only thing they actually respond to is a strict voice. I can say things nicely, calmly and firmly, but still the hair is not brushed and shoes not on when we’re going out of the door!
It’s so frustrating!
I'm sure my neighbours can hear, they must think I’m batshit!

I’ve tried putting everything out the night before, in order to make life easier, but it doesn’t help.
I tried getting them up earlier to ease
the rush, but still they faff around doing other things, usually fiddling with stuff they shouldn’t be touching. I am questioning ADD with my 6 year old, but it must just be personality….
I feel like I’m micromanaging everything but for no gain. Husband leaves at 5am so no help available there.
I feel like the worst mum most days, I’m worried my kids will up end resenting me and only have memories of a shouty horrible mum.

My tips would be:

Streamline the morning as much as possible.

Do things in the same order everyday so a routine forms and they know what's coming next.

Use a chart with visual representations of each task. They need to take the picture that corresponds to the task they're doing with them while they do the task (to remind them what it is they're supposed to be doing) and put it back when they're done and then take the next one and so on. When they get to the end they get a reward.

Where possible come down to their level and make eye contact and if possible physical contact (hands on the shoulder or hold their hands, or hands on their waist).

Speak clearly, using as few words as possible.

Ask them to repeat an instruction back.

Loads of praise when they do it.

Try not to shout. The more you shout the more they get used to it. So you have to shout more. They get used to it. You shout more etc. Save shouting for when it's really needed and you'll get better results!

Hi, helpful in some ways to read another post by someone who is in the same position.
I hate it and feel like I got in to a vicious cycle then had some help and support and then improvements, but it gets hard when I have difficult situations daily and certain points of the day.
But my DS does I know now, play on winding me up/looking for attention.
This was actually spoken about in a parents workshop that I attended.

That children will play on the attention they get even if it's for something bad, even if your response is not great.
I have experienced this many many times.
And it takes a lot to keep a calm voice and try to get past that occasion, especially when one of ours is when we need to leave for school.

So i do understand, sometimes I try to stay quiet, or remove myself for a few minutes, that's not a complete answer but to try to de escalate things a bit, try talking to calm the moment down or I find things to distract/change conversation.

I also had advice about 'filling their emotional cup' lol it does sound a bit funny in some ways. But separating the more serious things from the less important, and trying to see/hear what they want/need in that moment of time.

We struggle with this too! I don't think the odd bit of shouting is the end of the world when kids know there's no real malice or aggression behind it.

Things we do includes watching some TV in the morning but only once they're breakfasted and dressed and they don't get TV if they play up.

Setting a timer on my phone or watch often cuts through so I say 'you've got three minutes to get dressed' or whatever and it focuses them a bit more and they stop mucking about. Mostly it works without a consequence for letting the time run out but sometimes they lose some kind of privilege like tv or choosing dinner etc.

With my youngest, I find saying I'll leave the room and go downstairs and he can tell me when he's ready sometimes also gets through to him.

It must be hard doing it with your dh away, I hope he at least sorts them at weekends!

I would sag there are still small. Even your 6yo could benefit from help. My 8 yo was independent early in terms of getting dressed but my 2nd is hopeless so I pick my battles and dress her, brush her hair and help with shoes because I know she will get there eventually.

Oh and we quite often start reading a book, then I'll only read the next page if they've got another piece of clothing on or off. Works once they're absorbed in the book.

Sometimes you can bring them along with you better by just being a bit playful and seeing the world through their eyes, so so funny voices or pretend you don't understand clothes because you're an alien or something. Takes a lot of effort that way though!

It's infuriating OP. Mine are 6 and 8. We've done the same morning routine since they were born. Still the 6yr old fucks around. He's exceptionally clever, but full of attitude. He also gets very easily distracted. I also feel like I have to micromanage. I do feel he should be able to manage, at bedtime, go abd have a wee, wash hands, teeth, PJs. It takes 5 minutes. He'd take an hour iverit and still not be dressed. I cam be there, popping in and out. "Time to brush your teeth". I go, cone back, he'd doing his hair. Repeat, come back, playing on the floor. Repeat several more times. BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!! Then he cries "no need to shout" really. Isn't there

Thank you all for your responses, I will try all of the suggestions, I can see how they will help and hopefully they will.
its very reassuring that I am not alone in this, not many of my friends have young children so its difficult to gauge what is normal or not, and as I said, my family aren’t reliable sources of advice or normality!

My eldest is 7 and he’s now fairly organised in the morning (FWIW, I have ADHD and i can be a chaotic mess).

but I do micro manage and it really helps. Im also kind but firm if I need to be. I have never once shouted at my children but I do take away iPad/toys if they mess me about. We also have a chores system for after school where 7 year old can earn £5 pw which keeps him motivated.

ds can be abit forgetful but luckily he thrives in positive praise so that keeps us going as I focus on the things he’s done really well.

the two year old is at the “I can do everything myself” stage (she can’t) so that’s more stressful but I just allow extra time for her to do things her way. Mornings are really stressful and there are times I have gone to DH in tears (he’s only recently started wfh and now does all the school runs, I just get them ready). It takes time to get not only a good routine but one where the children feel positive and involved. Be kind to your self

I could have written your post; I often ask my DC why I have to end up shouting. I found that it helps if I prioritise getting myself ready first then focus on each child one at a time. It sounds silly written down but my stress often comes from trying to do it all at once. Since start of December saying to them that they don’t get their advent calendars until they’re ready seems to help and I’m wondering about what can take that place in the new year.
I will also help my 6 year get dressed when having a whingey day as I’ve decided that it won’t be forever

I’ve ended up shouting too in the past some / many mornings. It’s awful when you’re trying to get the kids out of the house by a set time and every time you take your eye off them for even a second they’re like ‘llalalla look at this mummy’, or doing the exact opposite of what you’ve asked! Herding cats comes to mind.

I read a tip that said set an alarm (like the cooker), so it is the alarm that's directing rather than you. Most kids love a race against the clock...

I've been there. Would really recommend this article https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/handling-anger and also the whole book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen. Really accessible, and lots of suggestions on routines.

probably not helpful, but my tip would be just dont shout. Its awful and stressful for everyone involved and doesn't help.

I grew up in a shouty household as did DH and now with boys aged 13 and 18, we have never had to shout. Mostly because we hate it

This article should also be helpful: https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/How-get-kid-listen

When I was growing up, our house was a shouty one, and unfortunately that dominates my childhood memories. I was scared to do anything, so I stayed in my room or climbed a tree outside and sat there for hours. I was determined that my children wouldn't have the same experience. My tips are these:

Sticker charts: so simple, but so effective. Do a task, get a sticker. Get a certain amount of stickers, reach a reward.

Make everything a game: Absolutely everything. Cleaning up, getting out of the house in the morning, dressing, cleaning teeth.

Ignore: Ignore what you can and don't get too upset over the more minor things. This is so much better for your mental health.

First of all, commiserations OP. It's hard, and you clearly aren't comfortable with how things are and are trying to see ways to change it for the better.

One thing I found helped me was to set 10 minute interval alarms actually specify what the next task is for the children. So for example is to get dressed, another is to eat breakfast, another is to put on shoes and another is to put lunchbox from fridge into the school bag.

Another thing that helped tremendously was to realise much of my pressure comes from trying to get myself ready at the same time, and panicking when I can see I can't be in two places at once, and they aren't fulfilling their part of the bargain! At first, if you have got up earlier and got the majority of your own self ready, you will be much more free and available to calmly remind them inch by inch. If you are using audible alarms on your phone, then it's much easier to announce brightly, "oh! there goes our getting on Shoes alarm, come on, let's go and find your shoes they're in the shoe rack."

It surprising how that it doesn't take very long before this becomes a routine. The other thing that is probably quite important is to do everything in exactly the same order every morning as much as you can. This is another way they can see easily how much is left to do. Example, if we haven't sat down to eat breakfast by 8 am, I know that we are not on track because there are two tasks left before we leave at 8:15. it sounds simple and probably to regimented for some people, but it takes the heat out of the stress of it all and I've found it massively helpful.

As others have said, and you already know, as much preparation as you can the night before is also very helpful. I even get the shoes by the bags so that there isn't the whole lost shoe problem.

Another stress can be calling children to come for food, but I've always found it if I walk right up to them rather than call from the other room then I get much better results. It can be quite frustrating if you're stirring dinner and need to call from a distance, but this little things like that that Help if you're able to do them.

I'm in a similar boat. I absolutely hate shouting but honestly, I could ask them nicely 20 times to put their shoes on for example and they would completely ignore me every single time but if I shout it, they dash off and do it. I wish they would just get on and do it when I first ask them. Each time I say it I get a little bit firmer/more direct but they seem to think "she's not serious about the request until she shouts it at us."