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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive ?!

26 replies

Millymollymaisy · 06/12/2023 19:01

I met up with a work colleague this week, we have known each other for at least 5 years but for many reasons it’s been a solid year since we met face to face.

since we last met I have changed quite dramatically. A complete new hair colour and style ( after always having the same ) and have lost a significant amount of weight and have been training for a couple of months. None of this has come up in our weekly catch ups on the phone / or messages I’ve just been working away on myself in the background.

when we met there was no comment at all on the changes. My hair change is very very obvious and my weight change would be hard to miss when it’s a good couple of stone .. wasn’t waiting to be complimented but noticed zero was said .

am I being too sensitive ? Is it normal to not comment on these things anymore ?

im in the best shape of my life ( and best since we have been friends ) so to me feels a little odd 😂

OP posts:

FreshStartAgain23 · 06/12/2023 19:02

Maybe the friend just isn't one to comment on appearance/give compliments. I have friends that I've known for many, many years and it's just not in my nature to comment on their looks, but I also wouldn't expect someone to comment on mine even with a large change. Some people just aren't that way inclined.

Well done on the weight loss and feeling great

ChiIIieP · 06/12/2023 19:05

Some people tread very carefully because they cant win, they comment and they are frowned upon, they don't and they are frowned upon.

MissConductUS · 06/12/2023 19:07

You are being too sensitive. I've lost a lot of weight since the summer and don't really like it when people comment on it. It comes across as nosy. Your friend was being polite.

If you want to fish for compliments, bring it up yourself.

AhBiscuits · 06/12/2023 19:07

It's high risk to comment on someone's appearance. I remember being present at a very awkward exchange..
OMG, you've lost so much weight!
Yep, that's cancer for you.

justalittlesnoel · 06/12/2023 19:11

If you've made no comment on trying to lose weight / train, I'd make no comment on a change in your appearance. You'd have no idea why the other person had lost weight (depression, medication, horrible illness etc) and if they've not mentioned trying to lose weight or similar I wouldn't bring it up at all!

poetrylover · 06/12/2023 19:15

I have a friend who never comments on weight, I think in case it all piles back on again.

Menomeno · 06/12/2023 19:20

Yes! I’ve lost two stone this year and it’s been a real slog. I’ve also recently had all my hair cut off from long to a pixie cut. Not a single person has noticed my weight loss, not one!!! People have commented on my hair but usually in a backhanded way. It’s really quite soul destroying but I think as others have said, it’s becoming socially unacceptable to comment on people’s appearance so I don’t take it to heart. But I’d really love a “Wow you’ve lost weight, you look great!” 😀

bloodyeffinnora · 06/12/2023 19:23

yes I'd find it strange especially as it's so obvious. It wouldn't harm her to say, you're looking well. maybe she's a bit envious

flowerchild2000 · 06/12/2023 19:49

Disappointment is always preceded by expectations. I can't imagine expecting a compliment, that's the problem. Professional environments are a tricky place to make comments on others' appearances too.

Hmmm33 · 06/12/2023 19:52

You're being silly OP. I once complimented someone on their weight loss many moons ago and they informed me they'd be struggling with an eating disorder and rightly told me I should not be saying that to people. I completely agree with them and have never made comments on anyone's weight appearance again. A solid rule I think everyone should go by.

cornishboy · 06/12/2023 19:54

Am I being silly or over reacting,
me and my wife have been married for just over 5 years now, we have been married before,
have no young children all growen up in their 30s
wjen I met my now wife, sje took out a credit card in her then old married name,
we got married and she took my married name and she changed slot of her personal stuff into her new married name,
but she refused to change the credit card details into her new married name, I said we are getting letters in your old married name yiur on the phone to credit card company using your old married name, I said it hurts and upset me to the fact that your using and saying your old married name, her answer was, SO, it’s just a name, I said no it’s not just a name it’s yiur old married name, and I hear you say it and read it, and it offends me as to why you still not told them your married and this now your new surname, she said your being silly and it’s all in your head, and why it’s bothering you I don’t know,
I said prob the same as if the roles was reversed you would be the same, when you told me off because as letter to the house with my ex wife name in it and I rang the company to have her name and address removed as she no longer lives here,
what can I do as there don’t seem to be anyway to get thru to my wife or make her understand how I get hurt and offended by it

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2023 19:55

I never comment on people's weight or appearance, positive or negative.

RaininSummer · 06/12/2023 19:56

I would find it very odd not to comment on such a big change especially the hair colour. Just wow look at you, it's lovely. Or something.

Elvis1956 · 06/12/2023 20:00

Two thoughts. One if the person is male, then it's likely he doesn't feel it's appropriate to make a comment. If female, perhaps she just wants to crack on with work

NannyGythaOgg · 06/12/2023 20:36

Commenting positively on the fact that you have lost weight also says (in brackets) 'You were so fat'. If you then put the weight back on, you will hear (in your head) from that person - 'Now you are so fat again'.

When I lost a very significant amount of weight, my brother said 'you look better' huh - I could have certainly done without that (even though I knew I did look better).

Commenting in most cases is very judgemental and it really is best avoided in most cases.

The one comment I really did appreciate was a colleague who said it was nice to see me looking so happy. (But even that could have been taken the wrong way)

fourelementary · 06/12/2023 20:42

@Millymollymaisy Sorry but your weight is your business and your friend is doing the right thing by not even noticing or acknowledging it. You are you- not your looks or your weight. Why is it so important to you that other people approve? Maybe you need to explore your reactions and realise that your esteem needs to be higher…

blackbeardsballsack · 06/12/2023 20:45

AhBiscuits · 06/12/2023 19:07

It's high risk to comment on someone's appearance. I remember being present at a very awkward exchange..
OMG, you've lost so much weight!
Yep, that's cancer for you.

This sort of exchange is what would happen to me the first time I ever made a comment about someone's weight

salamirose · 06/12/2023 20:46

It's rude to comment on people's weight.
Maybe she expected you to look different and didn't want to highlight how long it had been since you had met up.

salamirose · 06/12/2023 20:47

Also perhaps she doesnt give a shit about how people look

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/12/2023 20:49

I am always worried about commenting on things like this. 'You look great' implies you looked worse when you were heavier...and then what does that mean if it goes back on etc

AnnaShan · 06/12/2023 21:51

I never comment on weight loss because I don’t think it’s appropriate to comment on other people’s bodies.

I also never manage to compliment someone’s hair without sounding insincere (even if I genuinely like it!) so I just don’t say anything now 😂

longtompot · 06/12/2023 22:17

Maybe your colleague doesn't see you how you see yourself and focuses more on your friendship rather than other things? Well done on all you have done as you must feel amazing.

I have a friend who I have known for almost 25/30 years who I don't see very often now, but when I do she always says you look amazing, have you lost weight? But the thing is, I hadn't the times she said it. I suddenly thought one day maybe she remembers me as bigger than I am in the times between seeing each other? It's not really relevant to your situation but it just popped into my head.

43ontherocksporfavor · 06/12/2023 22:21

You’re getting some odd comments on here op. It’s very strange for her not to say you’re looking good when you e made significant changes. She can do that without mentioning weight. ‘I like your hair like that, you look great!’

bananaboats · 06/12/2023 22:31

I would never comment on someone's weight unless they bring it up themselves my weight goes up and down alot and is a sore spot for me I hate it if someone draws attention to it. I think the hair maybe isn't always as noticeable to other people as it is to us, I had my hair dyed from blonde to dark brown & it took one of my colleagues weeks to notice but I wasn't offended I just laughed too be honest!

neleh87 · 07/12/2023 09:40

I wouldn't comment on someone's weight but I would on the hair. Some people just don't comment on appearance.

I had a gap in my teeth filled in a few years ago. I'd been so self conscious about it. Noone even commented on it being filled in and when I brought it up, everyone said they hadn't noticed the gap in the first place! I think people just aren't that observant, especially in a work context.

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