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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making DD pay for this?

55 replies

TheGuidingSacrifice · 06/12/2023 18:24

My daughter aged 9 is a girlguide – currently a Brownie.

At the end of the term up to Christmas and at the end of the Summer Term, the Brownies and Guides (7 to 14 year olds) go to local shelter accommodation, nursing/care homes or to a charity such as the local food bank – this is instead of a normal meeting for the last week.

They help out; packing boxes at the food bank and loading cars for those who can’t get out, they walk deliveries locally or they make cups of tea and serve up food and fold sheets or similar at homes at Christmas they also do all that and put on a short carol concert. They are always 100% supervised by the leaders and staff at the places they go to but they do not get a badge for this, they do as part of the community.

My DD absolutely loves doing this. They do not have to take a gift but can take a gift of chocolate or flowers to the homes or a donation to the food bank/charity – they can be a monetary gift but can also be food/toiletries or toys if the charity dictates that, which my DD always insists she does – if she didn’t she’d be one of only 2 girls who don’t do it and she’s keen to be like her friends.

I make her pay for this out of her pocket money if she chooses to take something that I don’t already have in my house. I obviously tell her no more than £5 and top up above that amount if she wants something more than that, but I expect her to pay for it. I love that she gets the opportunities to see people less fortunate than us, but I also think she should learn the value of money and show that £5 can make a massive difference to someone’s day.

I pay for her subs of £100 a year with no quibbles, I pay for her to go on camps twice a year, I pay for her two other activities which cost me circa £65 a month. She gets £20 a month pocket money, which is purely for her fun things; magazines, sweets above what I/her dad buy her etc. I buy everything else she needs. I also volunteer regularly at Brownies and her school so she is seeing that I make sacrifices to.

ExH (DDs dad) thinks it’s part of the expense of Brownies/Girlguides and I should factor into my spending on it. He says her pocket money is her money, as I take it out of her CB and DLA (she has some health issues, which again are well accommodated at School and Brownies so I think she should show her leaders she appreciates the effort by making a small sacrifice herself)

I think it’s £10 per year she has to give up out of the £240 she has for herself and that’s hardly anything especially as I pay for her to have such a nice life.

So whose right?

YANBU – Keep making her pay the £10
YABU – ExH is right

In case its relevant ExH doesn’t pay any maintenance (a whole other thread) so all money coming into the house is “mine” from my wages, plus CB and DLA which is of course DDs money.

OP posts:
Mostlyoblivious · 06/12/2023 19:10

I’m split here. I think you should both do it - you set the example whilst teaching her the value of money and thought

MrTruckle · 06/12/2023 19:12

Sounds like you begrudge paying for your daughter in general. All sounds like quite hard work to make a point.

HanSB · 06/12/2023 19:16

I think it’s good, to learn the act of giving and charity, be that time, volunteering and contributing money towards those less well off, it all goes towards building a kind character

ForeverYellow · 06/12/2023 19:19

kshaw · 06/12/2023 18:55

Personally I'd do the opposite. Give a £5 limit and if she wants to spend more than 5 it comes out of her own money. She can still see how far 5 goes

This .

Sunnydays0101 · 06/12/2023 19:20

Why do you care or even go to the effort of writing such a long post over your ex DH’s thoughts on this ? He doesn’t contribute for her financially so it’s nothing to do with him, surely ? His thoughts on this are totally irrelevant.

Since you’ve asked though, I’d pay for the item but ask your DD to pick something within whatever budget you give her. To encourage the whole giving and receiving thing, and since she gets a reasonable amount of pocket money, I’d encourage her to buy a small gift for you for Christmas/birthday £5 or less.

Maray1967 · 06/12/2023 19:20

PippyLongTits · 06/12/2023 18:44

How does your daughter feel about it? My son was really proud of himself for making a donation from his own money. If you pay it for her are you taking away an opportunity for her to give something of herself and be proud of her choices?

This. As long as it’s a small amount and she is ok with it, I think this is fine. You’re teaching her a bit of self sacrifice and generosity.

As for your EX - I can see why he’s an EX. A man who contributes nothing but dictates what you do with money.What a charmer.

jay55 · 06/12/2023 19:22

If he wants to pay for it he's welcome to.

I expect it makes her feel good to spend on someone else.

Notmetoo · 06/12/2023 19:24

I would pay for it myself. I wouldn't expect a 9 year old to spend her pocket money on it.

FishyTree · 06/12/2023 19:24

You should absolutely be paying

Riverstep · 06/12/2023 19:27

I would pay for it myself too.

BobDylansMasterpiece · 06/12/2023 19:32

When ex contributes to the finances, then ex can make suggestions, and until then he can get to fuck

Jewnicorn · 06/12/2023 19:33

I think YANBU. Growing up I was encouraged to split my pocket money into three - some to save, some to spend, some to donate. It didn’t have to be a lot, even 50p a week in a jar adds up over time. I think it really helped me learn the value of money - especially seeing how so little could make such a difference to someone else’s life. In your DD’s shoes I’d have felt really proud of myself at that age for doing a little bit of good off my own back.

Ibouncetothebeat · 06/12/2023 19:33

I think it’s good for her character to give away her own money. Make her realise the value of money and what good can be done with it. Let’s her see that £5 on a magazine could be dinner for a couple of nights for someone. The reality is she isn’t going to go with any necessities because of it. She just may have 1 less magazine.

GabriellaMontez · 06/12/2023 19:35

Your ex contributes fuck all. Why are you even listening to his thoughts on this?

Nowherenew · 06/12/2023 19:39

Your ex is right.

No 9 year old should be paying for anyone’s presents.

If they go on a trip, do you make her pay for it?
What about pocket money for the trip?

What else do you expect her to pay for?

I think you’re being very mean.

Ittastesvile · 06/12/2023 20:03

I think yanbu. It's important imo to give to charity, and I hope to teach the same to my children. Sure, I could donate £5 myself but that teaches nothing.

AllAroundMyCat · 06/12/2023 20:17

You and your ex are
'Niclkel and diming ' over this.

Just pay it.

Ohnoooooooo · 06/12/2023 20:25

I think it would be better to pay for this and encourage her to give to charity another time like at christmas or near her birthday.
I feel her donating her time and her money is setting her up for being the person who thinks its always OK to give and give and give - kind people but they end up burning out. Volunteering is enough.

DinaofCloud9 · 06/12/2023 20:27

YANBU and your ex needs to keep his beak out of it.

CalistoNoSolo · 06/12/2023 20:39

You do realise it's your primary role as her parent to pay for your dd to have 'such a nice life'? The way you're adding everything up like this makes you seem miserly and resentful that you have to spend money on her.

Mariposista · 06/12/2023 20:52

It great to teach her the value of money and sharing what we have with others.
My son insisted on giving 5 of his birthday money to BHF when he saw them collecting in Tescos (we lost his gran to heart disease). I was so proud (but I did sneak 5 back into his piggy bank a week later when he wasn’t looking, in random coins so he won’t notice. Love his kind heart but don’t want him going without.

StarlightLime · 06/12/2023 20:57

ExH (DDs dad) thinks it’s part of the expense of Brownies/Girlguides and I should factor into my spending on it
Why did you involve him in the first place? Why did he need to know?

pinksquash13 · 06/12/2023 21:36

Ex's thoughts totally irrelevant. Why do you care what he thinks?

I think YANBU. Agree with someone who said you are just moving your own money around. You're paying for it either way because if you didn't tell her, I bet your daughter wouldn't even know she was £10 down. In any case, I think it's bizarre that other posters feel so strongly that she shouldn't pay. Fair enough if she was buying her own food or something, but oh no, poor child will miss £10 to spend in Smyths. Actually I think it's great that she's learning to sacrifice something for the better of others. A lovely community minded thing to do.

Geppili · 06/12/2023 21:43

What @CalistoNoSolo says.

FictionalCharacter · 06/12/2023 21:57

I make her pay for this out of her pocket money if she chooses to take something that I don’t already have in my house. I obviously tell her no more than £5 and top up above that amount if she wants something more than that, but I expect her to pay for it
I think that is more than fair. I’m don’t understand where £10 comes from later in your post though.
btw CB does not belong to the child, though that’s a popular MN notion. It’s explicitly paid to the parent who has responsibility for caring for the child. It’s to help with the costs of bringing up a child, it isn’t the child’s money.