AIBU or was this abuse? TW: parental abuse

[Northofheresouthofhere]

Apologies for making two posts. Not sure I put the first one in the right place, its my first time posting.

New poster, long time lurker.
I'm after opinion/clarity on a few things from my childhood/teenage years/potentially young adult years. I'll do some bullet points to keep it short, but also to not make it outing.

Small bit of background without being too outing: parent had me young, only child until teenage years, never knew my father, step parent from being a young child, very close to grandparents, family is terrible at communicating and speaking about feelings or anything serious.

• parents, mostly step parent got very angry when I was a deeply shy child. I would struggle to talk to waiters (I still hate ordering food), struggle to make conversation with family members I didn't know very well etc...

• if alone with step parent in house, when other parent returned, step parent would have done something to uspet me and cause argument/fight so they could go straight to other parent to tell them how bad my behaviour had been

• physically hit by parent, 'normal' punishment smacks when younger but then also hit in teenage years in response to what they would deem as arguing back - realistically it was me having an opinion and standing up for myself

• when I was younger my parent was ill, not drastic, just a bug or something, step parent would not allow me to see parent and would hide in dark on stairs to catch me going along to parents room (I'll not say what happened next as would be too outing, but physical)

• always walking on eggshells, not knowing who was going to be in what mood, who was going to give silent treatment, parent and step - parent always arguing and shouting at each other in their own toxic mess

• grounded for days/week at a time for literally being 1 minute late home from being out with friends - literally 1 minute, I'm not exaggerating

• I was generally treated like a child, but expected to be very independent, rarely given lifts to places and had to come home through city centre late at night on own - not abusive in itself, but stark contrast to how siblings are treated now

• very different childhood/upbringing to siblings

• lots of gaslighting, mostly in the way I was told I had acted

• I actually suspect i may be mildly autistic based on a few traits I had when i was a child but nothing was ever picked up and I don't struggle with some of those things now, but some of them I still do. I've not been assessed, it's just a suspicion.

There's so much that this would be pages and pages long. I'm not sure what I'm after, I've never written it all down before. I guess it's the typical validation I need.

I can give more detail to specific questions I guess. I probably need to have therapy to talk through it all but it's a hassle isn't it.

Thank you if you've made it this far!

If this crosses the threshold for abuse then I and my siblings need to be checked into a psych ward for a thorough evaluation.

Parents aren't perfect - and not everything they do wrong constitutes as abuse. It sounds like you're holding onto isolated events to create a narrative that aligns with you as a victim of intentional abuse. I don't see that at all from what you have posted.

It's possible your parents were flawed and also that you were NOT abused.

Why would you need to be checked into a psych ward. As I said in my post, that's just a few examples, not just a few isolated incidents. I thought silent treatments, having to walk on eggshells, berating children for struggling what shyness all came under emotional abuse. As for the physical punishments, if that's not classed as abuse, then what is classed as physical abuse?

If that is not abusive then it is dreadful and damn close. I'd call it abusive.

I wouldn't feel qualified to say it is or isn't abuse.

I just came here to say that growing up undiagnosed autistic in a world focused on neurotypical norms can make you look back and really HURT for your childhood self.

Do you want an acknowledgment that you found aspects of your childhood problematic? If so, from whom? This is not meant to be read as snarky - I mean it to be thought-provoking. Also, a lot of us autistic women grew up not giving ourselves grace because NOBODY ELSE gave us it. Once we start saying "hey, wait a minute," sometimes we can naturally look back on all the things that should have/could have been different in our lives. Maybe it's a form of closure, or of (continuing) to make sense of our neurotype vs what the world expects.

I do think it sounds abusive.

You've posted on an open forum I'm assuming for a diverse set views on your post. If you just want people to reinforce your perspective then you don't need a thread for that.

It's just my opinion.

That does sound abusive and horrible @Northofheresouthofhere and I am so sorry that you don't have a happy childhood that you can look back on. I hope that you have at least some happy memories from that time?

I do think that if you could get the right therapy/therapist to talk to, to have listen to you, that that could be very helpful for you. But you are right that acually getting to the stage of actually being in therapy can be a stressful one in it's own right.

My childhood wasn't physically abusive, and both my parents were my biological parents, but I did not have a happy childhood either. I think that both my parents did what they could to give me a happy childhood, and in many ways my now departed, but very dear Mum, was a brilliant Mum.

Sadly I am convinced that my Dad had at least one mental health illness - but I couldn't give it a label - however, looking back now, from the age of about 7 I think I was unconsciously walking on eggshells around my Dad. I used to be terrified when he got one of his tempers, he wasnt physically violent, but he always gave the impression of not being far away from being so.

My childhood doesn't sound anywhere as hard as yours North, but I just wanted you to know that I do understand, at least a little bit, about what you went through. I'm sending you a big but gentle hug 💔❤️‍🩹❤️

It certainly sounds like it has left you with a lot of concerns and bad memories - so I would guess it is worth getting over the fear that therapy will be a hassle and going to explore this in more detail with someone who can properly help you go through things.

I don't want just answers agreeing with me, I want a discussion, which is why I replied to you. I'm asking you and others out there, if being hit by a parent because they can't control their anger when you dare to speak back to them as a young teenager isnt physical abuse, then what is?

If being forced to order food from a waiter as a child under 10, who is visibly and obviously really struggling to even speak, never mind order, whilst being stared at with the most awful angry facial expression, then when you fail your test of ordering the food, you get an aggressive telling off, silent treatment and continued tests to speak to people isn't emotional abuse, then what is? I'm genuinely asking. This is from the step parent, whilst the parent sits there allowing this to happen.

Being hit is abusive, just because loads of parents did it doesn’t make it any less abusive.
I think most people today wouldn’t parent as you describe here. I think it’s abuse. Sorry op and I recommend therapy.

It's sounds like dysfunctional parenting, adding in potential autism could explain why they struggled more to appropriately parent you compared to siblings, but isn't an excuse.
Missing the autism is understandable given rates of diagnosis in girls until recently.

Thanks for the kind reply. You've hit the nail on the head about feeling hurt for your childhood self. I guess, in a way, I do want acknowledgement and an anonymous forum probably feels like a good starting point because it's daunting to go to therapy and lay it all bare, when you don't even know if what you experienced is as bad as it felt.

Again, I dont know for sure that I'm autistic, I certainly had/have some traits, but that could also just be me and who I am.

@Northofheresouthofhere

Can I ask how old (roughly) you are?

And also whether anything has happened recently to trigger or overwhelm you?

I'm asking because some of what you say really resonates with me - I lost my Mum and my DP within about 18 months and these losses along with the consequences of DPs death have turned me into an absolute wreck, re-visiting loads of trauma from my past. I'm 54 and crashed through the menopause in my late 40s.

My family dynamic sounds similar to yours - difficult to call it "abuse" as such because it was the norm in the 70s. No siblings but felt scapegoated alot of the time, and am currently pursuing diagnosis of possible ADHD and CPTSD to try and understand why I've gone so badly off piste in the last 18 months.

ADHD apparently can manifest more noticeably in menopausal women because it is exacerbated by hormonal changes, at least that's my limited understanding from a bit if research I've done.

Anyway, regardless you deserve help and support to understand and deal with your feelings . I hope you can find some help even if it's just to allow yourself to grieve for your childhood and learn to nurture yourself - we only have one life and improving it by reaching an understanding of your experiences is no bad thing.

I wish you the very best.

OMG @Northofheresouthofhere Please ignore outliers, as for whatever reason - maybe a very sad one - she cannot spare you any compassion.

You definitely were abused, and any adult who still thinks they were abused when they were a child, needs to be believed. Some posters may think there is a competition on who was abused the most, but there really isn't. If someone's childhood was something that they find very painful to remember, then they deserve just as much compassion as anyone else who feels like that. xx

Thanks for the replies so far, I will reply to each one, I'm just at work, so replying sporadically

I think you're right! On all points.

I agree. I think if I shared more examples, people would definitely think it was abuse, I'm just worried about being too outing.

Sorry to hear about your own childhood struggles. I do need therapy, and I will get some eventually. I do have some happy childhood memories, mostly ones out of the household or with other family members. Alot of the other ones are either bad memories or memories tainted in one way or another.

Generally, I'm OK, I have a successful career, I'm married, have friends etc... I'm not thinking about it all day every day, but it would be good to talk to someone and have that acknowledgment and advice.

You're absolutely right. Thank you.

I'm in my 30's. I've had a really crap couple of years with family deaths and fertility struggles/losses. I have generalised anxiety anyway, which I normally manage well (something else missed in childhood, which could have been nipped in the bud) but following a recent fertility loss I've had awful depression and anxiety for the best part of the year which I'm very slowly coming out of. I think all of this has triggered a lot of thinking and reflecting and have had to spend a lot more time with certain family members in certain situations and have had to be quite vulnerable with people whereas normally I wouldn't at all.

It is difficult to call it abuse, I think if I gave more examples it would be clearer, but I'm trying not to be too outing.

Sorry to hear about your current struggles too, you're right though, we have to heal the inner child don't we.

@Northofheresouthofhere

Thank you for the kind words, and I'm so sorry for everything you're going through / have been through.

Yes, I think our inner child does need recognising and healing as much as is possible. And I think if your mind is poking you to do so it's important to pay attention.

I veer wildly from complete self flagellation for "attention seeking" which is the narrative of my childhood, and the absolute determination to "improve" for myself and my sons sake - he's 29 and is brilliant but he needs a life without worrying about me all the time. Finding the happy medium is tricky indeed, and admitting to myself that I could use some professional help has been a big step.

Bottom line is that what you experienced is abusive, even if there were "reasons" for their behaviour. I can understand why and how some of my childhood experiences came about, and can empathise to a degree, but my 5 year old self can still remember when my Mum spanked me because I was a bad sleeper, and my 14 year old self still feels the fear when my step-dad pinned me to the wall by my throat when I back chatted my Mum. It's that kind of thing that needs some unpicking I think, because of the conflict of loving ones parents regardless but acknowledging they did harmful things .... ooh, sorry for rambling away, this is one if the things that I do because heh, I need professional support.

I think we owe it to ourselves to look after ourselves in any way we need to, regardless of the little voices that put us down for doing so, the ones in our heads I mean.... so whichever route you take, I hope it helps.... a little peace is really all we're asking for isn't it ?

UnMumsnetty hug incoming x

Of course! You mention many examples of emotional abuse and intimidation.
So sorry you went through that :(