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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Affair

12 replies

snowagain1 · 06/12/2023 13:59

My lovely mum passed away many years ago my dad got remarried to a lady who sadly passed away 12 months ago. I was talking to my dad about my DM and out of the blue he announced that she had been seeing someone else in the early part of their marriage. I have no clue if this is true or not but it has really hurt me and I am unsure how to react. My father is in his 70's very switched on and works full time

OP posts:
Didimum · 06/12/2023 14:15

While I’m sure that was very awful to hear, I would try your best to put it out of your mind. Your parents’ relationship is separate to your relationship to them, and I would keep it that way in your head. There’s a great many things we aren’t privy to regarding our parents’ relationship, as it should be – it’s not our responsibility or our emotional burden.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 06/12/2023 14:17

Why on earth did he tell you?

LylaLee · 06/12/2023 14:17

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 06/12/2023 14:17

Why on earth did he tell you?

Wants absolution.

m00rfarm · 06/12/2023 14:22

LylaLee · 06/12/2023 14:17

Wants absolution.

Show quote history

Why. It wasn’t him that had the affair!!

OhComeOnFFS · 06/12/2023 14:28

Maybe you could think of it that they obviously had a really strong marriage for them to recover from that?

LylaLee · 06/12/2023 14:31

OhComeOnFFS · 06/12/2023 14:28

Maybe you could think of it that they obviously had a really strong marriage for them to recover from that?

Not necessarily. She was of the generation where a woman could not even open her own bank account. Many people stuck in shitty marriages.

The bottom line is op has no way of knowing.

LylaLee · 06/12/2023 14:35

m00rfarm · 06/12/2023 14:22

Why. It wasn’t him that had the affair!!

Show quote history

Didn't read properly. I guess he wanted OP to know The Truth, and to know 'sainted mother' was flawed.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 14:38

Your mother could still be lovely and have had an affair. She was your mum, but she was also a woman, capable of making mistakes.

bawbells · 06/12/2023 14:39

That was a really cruel thing to tell you if it is true. Surely he must know that it will forever be a question now in your head.
I'm just putting this out there but - could he have early dementia?
I think you also need to consider the possibility that what he told you isn't true in the sense that it didn't objectively happen, although he may think that it happened.
A few years ago my DH asked me about something which had happened over 20 years before. He asked me if I had been having an affair and he had apparently spoken to his sister about it at the time. I was completely dumbfounded when he asked me and I said I hadn't (because I hadn't had an affair). His reaction seemed to be that he didn't believe my answer. I think his sister had perhaps fanned the flames too much over 20 years ago and there was obviously nothing I could do about that now.
I would be aware, if I were you, that these bizarre things happen. Whatever objectively happened in the past, you now need to trust your judgement about your mother.

Mummymummy89 · 06/12/2023 14:47

If it was in the early part of their marriage, it might well have been before you were even born. How is it hurtful to you?!

I had an affair quite a few years ago, before dh and I actually got married and way before the dc. I felt a lot of remorse (still do) but it was dh who really wanted to try and recover from it and we did. A few of our friends know. I'd never do it again and I've thrown my whole soul into being a good wife and mum (alongside enjoying work and social life etc).

If anyone told dd later in life, I wouldn't be impressed; but also I hope I'll have brought dd up not to be judgey about other people's mistakes.

Around 1 in 3 of couples we know well have had affairs and have knowingly recovered their marriage, and those are just the ones I know about. It's very possible to recover a marriage and be even stronger afterwards.

I think it's disrespectful to your mother's memory to dismiss all the good mothering (and wifing) she did since you were born, just because of a mistake she made even before you were born.

Catza · 06/12/2023 14:57

It's a common knowledge in my family that my grandfather had an affair with a mum from a nursery where my then 4 year old mum was attending at the time. This was a long-standing affair to the point where my grandmother told him he has to make a choice as he can't live between two households. So he stayed. And he's been a loving husband, father and an amazing grandad. He passed away 20 years ago and honestly, this has never tainted my view of him.
I don't know what was the context of his revelation but I wouldn't really put too much stock into it. It's water under the bridge now, isn't it?

Original poster
snowagain1 · 06/12/2023 18:42

Thank you for your replies My DM was a fantastic mum and to my knowledge a fabulous wife. They always seemed happy and contented. I suppose I will never really know the truth. In hindsight my Dad has said some odd things recently maybe it is early dementia. It is something I will be aware off

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