Affair

[snowagain1]

My lovely mum passed away many years ago my dad got remarried to a lady who sadly passed away 12 months ago. I was talking to my dad about my DM and out of the blue he announced that she had been seeing someone else in the early part of their marriage. I have no clue if this is true or not but it has really hurt me and I am unsure how to react. My father is in his 70's very switched on and works full time

While I’m sure that was very awful to hear, I would try your best to put it out of your mind. Your parents’ relationship is separate to your relationship to them, and I would keep it that way in your head. There’s a great many things we aren’t privy to regarding our parents’ relationship, as it should be – it’s not our responsibility or our emotional burden.

Why on earth did he tell you?

Wants absolution.

Why. It wasn’t him that had the affair!!

Maybe you could think of it that they obviously had a really strong marriage for them to recover from that?

Not necessarily. She was of the generation where a woman could not even open her own bank account. Many people stuck in shitty marriages.

The bottom line is op has no way of knowing.

Didn't read properly. I guess he wanted OP to know The Truth, and to know 'sainted mother' was flawed.

Your mother could still be lovely and have had an affair. She was your mum, but she was also a woman, capable of making mistakes.

That was a really cruel thing to tell you if it is true. Surely he must know that it will forever be a question now in your head.
I'm just putting this out there but - could he have early dementia?
I think you also need to consider the possibility that what he told you isn't true in the sense that it didn't objectively happen, although he may think that it happened.
A few years ago my DH asked me about something which had happened over 20 years before. He asked me if I had been having an affair and he had apparently spoken to his sister about it at the time. I was completely dumbfounded when he asked me and I said I hadn't (because I hadn't had an affair). His reaction seemed to be that he didn't believe my answer. I think his sister had perhaps fanned the flames too much over 20 years ago and there was obviously nothing I could do about that now.
I would be aware, if I were you, that these bizarre things happen. Whatever objectively happened in the past, you now need to trust your judgement about your mother.

If it was in the early part of their marriage, it might well have been before you were even born. How is it hurtful to you?!

I had an affair quite a few years ago, before dh and I actually got married and way before the dc. I felt a lot of remorse (still do) but it was dh who really wanted to try and recover from it and we did. A few of our friends know. I'd never do it again and I've thrown my whole soul into being a good wife and mum (alongside enjoying work and social life etc).

If anyone told dd later in life, I wouldn't be impressed; but also I hope I'll have brought dd up not to be judgey about other people's mistakes.

Around 1 in 3 of couples we know well have had affairs and have knowingly recovered their marriage, and those are just the ones I know about. It's very possible to recover a marriage and be even stronger afterwards.

I think it's disrespectful to your mother's memory to dismiss all the good mothering (and wifing) she did since you were born, just because of a mistake she made even before you were born.

It's a common knowledge in my family that my grandfather had an affair with a mum from a nursery where my then 4 year old mum was attending at the time. This was a long-standing affair to the point where my grandmother told him he has to make a choice as he can't live between two households. So he stayed. And he's been a loving husband, father and an amazing grandad. He passed away 20 years ago and honestly, this has never tainted my view of him.
I don't know what was the context of his revelation but I wouldn't really put too much stock into it. It's water under the bridge now, isn't it?

Thank you for your replies My DM was a fantastic mum and to my knowledge a fabulous wife. They always seemed happy and contented. I suppose I will never really know the truth. In hindsight my Dad has said some odd things recently maybe it is early dementia. It is something I will be aware off