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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should ex husband visit baby if he has a cold

28 replies

Lou1293 · 06/12/2023 11:49

Hi everyone

I’m a single mum to my 9 week old baby boy and not with his dad (Very messy separation from husband at 35 weeks pregnant after finding out about his affair). Things have been incredibly difficult/toxic since with his Dad not committing to want to see him but just expects to message last minute and come round when he’s available and then questions me if I say I’m not. I’ve asked multiple times that we agree 1 week in advance of 2-3 days a week that he can come over to spend time with DS. Ideally I’d like a set schedule of visits but he says he can’t do this due to shift work (even though it’s a set shift pattern).

I sent a message at the weekend giving 3 days and times that we’d be home for him to come over this week (all worked around his shifts). He messaged 2 hours before on Monday saying he couldn’t come, then yesterday messaged saying he has the ‘worst cold ever’ so couldn’t come again. He didn’t have any symptoms of a cold when he visited on Sunday evening so it’s either an excuse (he’s a compulsive liar) or only in the first few days of the virus so highly contagious.

He’s due to visit tomorrow. AIBU if I say he can’t come if he’s got a terrible cold? He had a cold when DS was 3 weeks old then bub ended up in hospital a week later with bronchiolitis. I’m just worried he’ll say that I’m restricting his access.

Thank you!

OP posts:
FatFatMary · 06/12/2023 11:50

No

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/12/2023 11:50

If he was still living with you he would be in the house with a cold, wouldn't he?

thewonga · 06/12/2023 11:53

Is be inclined to say, he's the dad so should be there. If you were together he'd be in the house.

However, you aren't together and him visiting with a cold which could spread to baby then just leaves you solo parenting an unwell child unnecessarily.

I have two babies born in the winter and the amount of relatives (not living in the house) who cancelled visits due to colds with high but helpful to us in preventing dealing with it.

Personally, I'd say no. Since he doesn't live in the house he isn't there to share the workload of an unwell baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2023 11:54

I’m just worried he’ll say that I’m restricting his access.

So what if he does? He’s a weapons grade bastard, stop wasting energy giving a shiny shit what he says or thinks.

You’re doing the right thing protecting your baby from unnecessary exposure to nasty germs. Yes they’re everywhere but you don’t need to invite them into close contact in your home. You’re also right to suggest then firmly stick to a set schedule for visits. If he cancels he can wait for the next scheduled visit.

He is not your friend. Do him no favours and prioritise yourself and your precious tiny baby. Look after yourself 💐💐💐

Original poster
Lou1293 · 06/12/2023 11:54

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/12/2023 11:50

If he was still living with you he would be in the house with a cold, wouldn't he?

If he was still living here I’d probably catch it and give antibodies to DS through breastfeeding but he's not?
Also it was his reason for not visiting yesterday.

OP posts:
PastelHouses · 06/12/2023 11:54

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2023 11:55

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/12/2023 11:50

If he was still living with you he would be in the house with a cold, wouldn't he?

So? He’s not. It’s an avoidable risk she wants to avoid.

Singleandproud · 06/12/2023 11:59

  1. if he lived with you he would still have a cold and you would still look after baby if you had one so it's a non-issue

  2. You cannot force someone to see their child, you can ask for reasonable notice and you can offer days providing they aren't purposefully ones he can't do. You can give specific times and if not there within 30 minutes or so leave and carry on with your day. Until around 1 year old contact should be frequent but not necessarily long in order to build up a bond.

  3. Keep a diary of days offered, days turned down and when he visited

  4. Try your best to remove the emotion from the situation. Yes he should be a amazing dad but it's unlikely and you need to hold him to the same expectations of a babysitter rather than a doting father.

Original poster
Lou1293 · 06/12/2023 11:59

I completely agree that he should see our DS. However, it was his reason for not wanting to come yesterday. If we were living together that’s an unavoidable risk - this is avoidable?

OP posts:
wjpa · 06/12/2023 12:01

I w

PastelHouses · 06/12/2023 12:02

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

wjpa · 06/12/2023 12:03

Oops

i would instead say could we either rearrange or do a video call as baby was hospitalised recently with a respiratory problem. And keep a screenshot of the message so it can’t be construed as restricting access.

those who say if he lived there, he’d see the baby with a cold - well yes that’s because there isn’t any other option in that situation. In the OP’s case it’s best for the baby not to get ill again

Original poster
Lou1293 · 06/12/2023 12:05

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

He messaged to say he’s ’got the worst cold ever and I wouldn’t want DS to catch it’ not that he wasn’t feeling up to it as he still managed to work a 9 hour shift after time he was due here.

OP posts:
thewonga · 06/12/2023 12:06

I agree with the video call idea. Not restricting access is important. As is maintaining the health of a baby who was hospitalised.

JC89 · 06/12/2023 12:09

Perfectly reasonable to say not to come for a few days, you are protecting your baby from an unnecessary risk! He can come next week when he's not infectious. Hopefully he would understand that anyway if he made the point himself about the previous visit - keeping the messages anyway to be on the safe side sounds sensible. I would have thought that restricting access would be if you never let him see the baby but that's not what you are suggesting at all!

TheIsleOfTheLost · 06/12/2023 12:09

Have you actually asked him? Reply, how is your cold, bit concerned as you said it was contagious and the worst cold ever yesterday.

See what he comes up with.

Onionsmadeofglass · 06/12/2023 12:09

Babysitters are held to higher expectations than this - an unreliable babysitter is an out of work babysitter.
I don’t think you should stop him seeing the baby if he turns up for contact OP. But you’ve definitely got the right idea about agreeing times in advance and not being available just whenever. That’s not fair to you. You need to be able to plan your time. Do you know his shift pattern? If it’s fixed just offer him the same three time slots every week as long as the shift pattern remains the same. If he doesn’t turn up within about 30mins of the start of the timeslot, assume he’s not coming and carry on with your day.

AussieManque · 06/12/2023 12:11

Say no. It's about 50:50 right now whether a cold is actually a cold, or is COVID. You don't want your baby to catch COVID. Really not.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/12/2023 12:15

Hi there I'm almost a year ahead in a very similar situation- split at 34 weeks too!

Lalalaletmeexplain answered a similar question to this in her ok magazine column if you google that.

Youre doing the right thing- give him options and if he doesn't make those slots then he can't see baby. You deserve some peace and some days off seeing him too. Baby will not notice or care if he doesn't come one week at this age. You also need to keep virus away from baby.

If you want to be extra kind (don't need to be!) then offer a video call with baby instead of a visit when he is ill.

I also offered a socially distanced walk when in a similar situation which eh didn't take me up on.

MmedeGouge · 06/12/2023 12:16

I wouldn’t let him.

AussieManque · 06/12/2023 12:17

Just to add, even if it is just a cold, that's not good for a 9 week old either. Their respiratory systems are not well developed at this age so they remain fragile. Plus colds can lead to temperatures too, which at this age = hospital...

HenriettaVienetta · 06/12/2023 12:21

What is the point of a video call with a 9 week old baby? At that age, it is for the parents benefit, not the baby's. And surely the point of contact is for the baby to build a bond, mostly through touch and smell at that stage.

You can't stop a baby getting colds. If you are going out anywhere, you are at potential risk of it happening.

Really ask yourself what your core concern is here. Is it really the risk of catching a cold or is it related to your relationship with him and how he is treating you?

user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 12:23

Can you ask if he's over the terrible cold then?
He surely can decide whether he still has a terrible cold. Given that the child was hospitalised earlier he should not take offence and if he is slightly unwell could wear a face mask and wash his hands well.

Mothership4two · 06/12/2023 12:29

The most concerning thing about this are that visits appear to be only on his terms. I would have no problem saying "that doesn't work for me" if he cancelled and rearranged on a day that was tricky - I wouldn't give him an open door policy. I think you really need to press for some sort of schedule - obviously things happen and you can both be flexible if it works. I would be questioning him how the "worst cold ever" has disappeared in two days as well.

Aprilx · 06/12/2023 12:34

I don’t think you should tell him that, parents don’t get to not see their children when they have colds. However I think you should be stricter about a schedule and say no to random unorganised visits.