To think ADHD isn’t an excuse for being inconsiderate?

[Anothermondaynotsunday]

To begin, I have complete sympathy to anyone with SEN and children with SEN. I have several autistic relatives and witness the struggle. I’m also fully aware living in a flat means I will hear a lot of noise which I’m used to and have no issue with.
Getting to the point, my upstairs neighbour has 2 children with ADHD who are very active and loud as expected. The noise is really difficult to live with but I hold my tongue. On ocassion it’s too much where we can’t sleep and it’s reduced us to tears. The children are often in the stairwell making a mess and knocking on doors then running away. They have vandalised several cars too.
Ive asked the parents if they can put a rug down or slippers on the children early in the morning and later into the evening so we get some peace. I have been verbally assaulted for suggesting this. Apparently due to the ADHD it’s allowed that they run and bang 24/7 and I just have to put up with it.
Again I sympathise that they do not sleep and they can’t be forced to sit, but if they aren’t even trying anything then it’s unfair on the neighbours to allow it to continue. My DD had some friends over to play, they sang karaoke and danced from 5-6pm then went home. Neighbour banged on my door telling me I’m selfish for retaliating and that I woke her 5 year old child (at 5pm?) and I need to make my children be quiet from now on. I lost it at this point because we have quietly suffered the noise of her children with nothing but empathy. To then tell me my DD isn’t allowed friends round for one hour has riled me up. It wasn’t overly loud, but she had her balcony door open so the noise will have travelled. I feel like she has put me in a position of not allowing the ADHD become a cop out anymore. She cannot expect silence around her yet allow non stop banging, which distresses all the neighbours in the block.
I don’t plan on reporting innocent children who can’t help their behaviour, but I feel like now something needs to change based on the hypocrisy. So basically to sum up my issue, I don’t feel it’s ok anymore to blame ADHD on 24/7 noise while expecting everyone else to live on eggshells. I’m prepared to be told I’m unreasonable, but without knowing they have ADHD I would have assumed they were just unruly children.
What do I do from here please? Can any parents offer some advice how they manage the noise?

You're not unreasonable.

I have two kids with adhd. They have never vandalised anything. That's not ADHD. That's bad parenting.

It does sound like they are unruly as well though, making mess in the stairwell and vandalising cars takes the piss. My best friends son has ADHD and I think he would feel like a caged animal living in a flat, he has moments where he needs to be wild and he has his garden space and different rooms in the house to do so. Flat living would never ever be for them. Sounds like this family is the same! I'd report them! It's more than just kids having ADHD. It's parents who don't give a shit.

Does she rent? You report her that's how you manage it I have children with adhd if they get loud late at night or early in the morning I tell them off always have because the world does not revolve around your children

They find other ways to stim ds2 bounces on a exercise ball on a mattress because he needs that physical sensory input

YANBU at all OP & I have an autistic DD that keeps very late hours! We don’t let her disturb our neighbours though.

Thank you that’s reassuring to hear that it isn’t common for parents to allow their children to run wild (with or without a diagnosis). I guess I worry I’ll be seen as discriminating children, as she is like the boy who cries Wolf and blames everything on them ( I have no money as ADHD is expensive to maintain and I’m too tired to take them to school because ADHD is ruining my sleep etc).
Im not sure if I believe her claims her 5 year old has it, purely because of his age. Can anyone confirm if a diagnosis is possible this young?

That's not adhd that's just crappy parenting. Boils my blood when adhd is used as a get out of jail free card. All my family is adhd and we tell our dc adhd is a diagnosis not an excuse.

Does she have hard floors in her flat? When I had a flat there was a clause in the lease that said the floors had to be carpeted (no laminate flooring allowed) due to noise travelling. Can you check your lease/ look into this with the leaseholder/landlord? Putting a rug down is a reasonable request.

How old are the children? If they are old enough to go out vandalising cars, are they old enough to go out for a jog of an evening to run off some energy?

I'm not sure what you can do going forward as it is up to the neighbour how she parents her children or whether or not she puts rugs down. She is obviously struggling and defensive. All you can do is try to talk to her calmly about things and see if there are any compromises to be reached.

I have an adhd child and work with ADHD kids. Most are medicated to improve outcomes. They don't run feral of cause damage

I have an ADHD child, who is grown now. She was never medicated either. She was never allowed to behave like that. They can be redirected and taught to be considerate. I don't think you're unreasonable and you don't owe your neighbour too much consideration with noise either. They set the bar low, so can't complain when others make noise now.

It could be crappy parenting but it also could be a parent who is really struggling. I have a child with adhd and boy can it be tough at times, like really tough. There have been days when I have lived hour to hour and very much picked my battles with behaviour. How you cope and parent can be very indicative as to how much support you have, your own mental health, other stresses such as work etc…

All that being said I have huge sympathy for you as I am very aware of how noisy kids, especially nd kids, can be. We buy our neighbours very generous gifts at Christmas and spend a lot of time apologising. It is a shame your neighbours don’t have the self awareness or energy in them to do the same.

Also it is possible for a diagnosis at 5. ADHD is genetic, so if one child has it, it is very possible that siblings will have it too. In fact it is also a possibility that the parents may as well, which could explain some of their impulsive behaviour towards you.