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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to still be upset about my brothers reaction?

8 replies

ClairePO · 13/03/2008 22:51

OK my first post in here, and I do think I'm being unreasonable so I'm more looking for advice on how to put things behind me than condemnation of my feelings.

I miscarried our first pregnancy at 9 weeks last September whilst on holiday. Because we didn't know or understand just how damn common it was to miscarry your first pregnancy I had honestly believed that being pregnant meant having a baby so we had told parents and siblings.

When we lost I told my parents who passed on the sad news to my brothers. A few weeks after getting back there was a family party that we (living 200 miles away and feeling shitty) didn't go to. One brother ended up very drunk.

The next week I emailed him saying 'Hi, how are you, has your hangover gone yet...'

This was my first contact with this brother since m/c and his response was appalling, not even a 'Hi, how are you?' let alone a 'Sorry about the way things have turned out' just a very annoyed response because I had been told by our mum that he had been very drunk.

I just feel incredibly let down. My other brother and his wife have been fine and gently caring, but with this brother I just feel he doesn't care. I don't expect lots of fuss, just not a total disregard of our loss. Particularly when, after he left his partner and young baby a few years ago I was there for him, on the end of the phone every other night for long conversations about how he felt etc.

I haven't felt like I can deal with him since, he was away at Christmas so didn't need to. Now faced with Easter looming I feel will have to deal with him because its unfair to expect my parents to deal with my upset by refusing to visit at Easter.

I know I'm being unreasonable because its such a small thing. So how do I face up to Easter and move myself on?

OP posts:
UniversallyChallenged · 13/03/2008 22:57

Try keeping in mind you are doing it for your parents, not your brother.

Smile,smile, smile and make innocuous comments - it works for me with mine

Youcannotbeserious · 13/03/2008 22:59

I'd keep an open mind, maybe your DB was feeling a little embarrassed about getting drunk - he may not be able to remember the evening and it's horrible when that happens...

Not that it's ever happened to me, of course....

I'd leave it go and see how things are....

Hope you have a nice Easter and sorry about the miscarriage....

catzy · 13/03/2008 23:04

Go and speak to your brother in private.

Maybe he feels upset that you didn't feel like you can talk to him. Maybe he wanted you to turn to him in 'your hour of need.'

See why he's being such a prick. I'm sure he does care. It sounds like you were close before this happened. x

doublethetrouble · 13/03/2008 23:05

i dont think your being unreasonable but very mature to move on and not let him being insensitive to ruin family relationships as a whole. As said previously your the mature one here so smile sweetly and trying and forget about his lack of care. Best to be the bigger person here and carrying this on will just cause you more hurt and you have been through enough.

theyoungvisiter · 13/03/2008 23:06

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Some people do find this kind of thing incredibly difficult to deal with. I lost my mum at a young age a few years ago and some of my friends were incredible and open and caring, and others carried on regardless. I don't think it was that they didn't care, more just that they felt it wouldn't be helpful to "make a fuss" or treat me any differently to normal.

Perhaps your brother feels more than he is able to acknowledge?

WanderingTrolley · 13/03/2008 23:07

I'm sorry you lost your baby.
How very sad for you and your dh.

Your brother just doesn't understand. It's a harsh truth but your pregnancy was real to you and your dh but to your brother it wasn't. To him - and many dhs, mn has taught me - 'I'm pregnant' is as real as 'I'm planning on getting pregnant'. Until there is a baby or at least a large bump, it just doesn't hit home with some people. He plain doesn't get it and, whilst upsetting, I think it might be best to just accept that and move on. Sorry.

Tommy · 13/03/2008 23:08

some people don't know how to deal with miscarriages IME

On the same day I had my miscarriage, DH's grandad and a close family friend both died - it was a bit of a difficult week

Anyway, the next week, I had to go to 2 funerals and I felt really crap about everything as you would imagine. At the fanily friend's funeral, his daughter was so lovely to me and said "I was so sorry to hear about your loss too" which I found reallty touching bearing in mind her Dad had just died.

When I went to DH's grandad's funeral, no-one even acknowledged it, asked me how I was or anything, except my SIL who said "Do you think you'll try for another baby?" - that was it.

To be honest, the only people I felt understood were women who had been through it and really close friends.

It is crap - and I'm so sorry that your baby died but I think that some people just don;tknow how to deal with it.

ClairePO · 13/03/2008 23:16

Thanks guys, your responses have helped put things in perspective. I'm very lucky in that my DP and mine and his close friends has been very supportive and understanding. Perhaps that makes me forget that not every man (or woman) empathises in the same way. So I will try not to take it as a slight as I am 100% sure it wasn't meant this way and get through this visit, the first one will be the hardest and it is only a few hours. Thanks again for your kind words, they have really helped.

OP posts:
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