Don’t want to see in-laws on DD4s birthday TW:abuse

[letmeeatcrisps]

Ok I am in a pickle. I’ll try to be brief. Split from ex 6 months ago after he threatened to kill me for the third time. We were together 11 years. He was always emotionally abusive (with hindsight), once I got pregnant and moved to rural Northern Ireland with him, it escalated to physical abuse. He beat me multiple times while pregnant, in front of our 1year old daughter. I gave birth covered in bruises. The nurses asked me about it but I lied and said I fell down the stairs, so no notes were made. 3 weeks later he punched me in the head so hard I saw stars.
he once said to our daughter “your mummy and grandma wanted to kill you” in reference to my mums “your body your choice” reaction to a surprise pregnancy just as my career was starting to take off.
he was convicted and cautioned for one count of common assault. the police threw out all my other evidence (including video and audio of him threatening and attacking me in front of the kids). So he has essentially got away with domestic abuse, as I didn’t report the other incidents within the 6 month time limit.

his family always colluded with him, eg when he threw a phone at me when I found out that I was first pregnant, and was crying about having to leave my new job. His mum said “stop crying you silly cow, you should Be grateful you’re pregnant”. When I reached out to his mum and sister about his abusive behaviour, his mum said “well what did you do to wind him up?” And his sister said “sorry but all men are like that”. So I called the police. He was hitting, biting, spitting at me, said “I hope you die in a fire” and “fuck off and leave or I’ll kill you”. Also he blocked me in a room for hours while yelling and saying things like “I’m having extremely dark thoughts I just want to kill you” while I was holding our 6 month old son and our DD2 was sitting next to me
so he’s never really seemed to care about the children’s safety or happiness, he also
did zero childcare despite working 2.5 days a week and always promising to
watch the children for a day so I could get back to work.
ANYWAY Saturday is DDs birthday. I have allowed him to have contact with her via FaceTime and a visit once a month. I supervise the visits at great emotional cost, because he is so manipulative I wouldn’t trust anyone else to pick up on the things he says to her to try and undermine her happiness. I am waiting to get a proper court order but the solicitors never seem to call me back (that’s a whole other thread)!

so last time he was over, he spent an hour berating me in front of the kids for “destroying our family”. I kept walking on ahead and trying to change the subject, I don’t believe arguing in front of the children is ok! After an hour of that he suddenly announced that his mum, sister, brother in law and niece and nephew will be coming to our daughter’s birthday. He announced it in front of her, with no warning or speaking to me about it beforehand.
then said “they’ve spent a lot of money on these flights” in a mildly threatening way

i have basically been in a state of pure panic since he said this two weeks ago - initially I was going to rent a hall but I do NOT want to spend a lovely happy day with my bullying ex in-laws. Neither his mum nor sister has spoken to me in 6 months. No one reached out before booking the flights, it was just announced and I am expected to comply
my daughter adores her cousins and her dad and it would make her happy to see them so I keep finding myself almost acquiescing and booking us all something but the thought of
spending time with his horrible
bullying family is utterly sickening

i haven’t been able to plan ANYTHING for her birthday now, because the thought induces extreme panic. I havent even bought her presents. I’m bedridden with some kind of flu and feel the closest I’ve ever been to a
nervous breakdown. Over a 4 year olds birthday party! It was supposed to be fun

so AIBU to tell his family, enjoy your london trip but we won’t be seeing you
OR
should I suck it up and spend my daughters birthday with abusive in laws who hate me?

YABU: let in laws see daughter on her birthday
YANBU: have a nice birthday without in laws

any insight appreciated. I am genuinely on the fence. I want my daughter to be happy and she likes seeing her cousins. I feel like acquiescing to their imposed visit is a bit like negotiating with terrorists - can’t end well. But also like his family are weaponising their own kids against me as I feel bad for the niece and nephew. I don’t want to see any of them and I’m worried it’s a trauma bond that’s making me even consider it
thanks anyone who reads all that x

Has he got a court order? If not, I would just stop responding to him, and let him go to court to force it to happen. It will take forever, it will cost him a fortune, there's a good chance he will get bored. I think you may qualify for legal aid because of the abuse. If it starts up again, there's every chance a contact centre can be used.
Does he know your address? Please keep it from him if possible.

It's up to you to protect your children. In my opinion, that means keeping them as far away as possible, and if you have to be underhand to do it, then that's what you have to do.

I'm speaking as someone with an abusive ex, but nowhere near the level of your ex. I have a 20 year old daughter who was let down regularly as a child, who heard shit about me all the time, really dislikes her dad, but is scared to say no to him. I wish I had done as I'm saying now.

Wow bloody hell you've been through hell of a lot.!!!

@letmeeatcrisps

You need various help and support,

having suitable accommodation whether that's temporary womens refugee situation, ect

I strongly suggest to get in touch with womens Aid charity for the situation you are in,
there are also other charities that can help such as providing a support worker for yourself, advice for getting the right financial support, and help with finding suitable accommodation,

in Wales where i am we have the Wallich charity which is umbrella type of charity that covers all of this and also helps in other ways too,

Is there anything like this or similar type of charities support where you are from then?

also with womens Aid charity you can do the freedom programme which will help you to see the warning red flags of an Arsehole man like your ex partner is and allways will be,

Also find out explore getting good therapy to see what got you into this kind of situation in the first place ect?
Is something to do with childhood , lack of self worth cause of that ect or something else you experienced or combination of both ect?

Can you take your kids away for the weekend? A little trip to the seaside somewhere (take all your warmest clothes) Turn your phone off. Let him take you to court.

If you do meet your inlaws do it away from your house somewhere public with lots of people around so you can just leave with the kids when you’re ready. Like meeting them at the zoo or something.

I hear Wales is lonely this time of year. Beach birthday sounds good.

I would just Google Internet as many different charties, organisations out there that can support you in various different ways ect,

I second that, thinking along the same lines

Don't let onto him or anyone else who know's him or his family in any way whereabouts you are living at all.!

Do they know your address? I would stop all contact with any of them, as previous posters have said. Your children do not need them in their lives. Well done for all you’ve managed so far.

@letmeeatcrisps

I am thinking 🤔 have you got anyone on your families sides who could support you in any ways, on regular basis too,
whether just emotional support going for a cuppa in a cafe or going to vist them ect,

i wouldn’t meet with someone who had threatened to kill me and whose abusive behaviour was enabled by family.

So you have left and are now in London /south east with your dc and he’s in NI still?

if you’ve only been told verbally by your exP that they are coming, they’ve not informed you at all and you don’t have anything in writing from your ex, I’d arrange to go to your family/away for the weekend, switch off your phone and then just say sorry, if you’d called me befor you booked I’d I’ve let you know our plans…

(if you can afford to go away, this would be a good “legoland hotel” age)

@cerisepanther73 you could’ve made that just one post 😄 it’s ‘etc.’ for et cetera.

The filth can go to court, his scummy relatives are nothing to do with you, he can communicate with you by email only until court.

Thank you I really appreciate the listening ears ! I am at my mums with the kids, so he knows where we are. Wavering between going away, agreeing a soft play meet up or asking the council to move us away to emergency accomodation.
i am so ill I’m sweating every time I sit up which is not helping. Sod’s Law I’ll probably be better by the time they’re over
Ex dp is a strange and charming man, it took me 11 years to get behind the mask. He is really good at playing “great guy”. His family behave the same way. They have no empathy, but enough emotional intelligence to act like they do. This birthday trip is a huge head fuck/
power play, as a family they hate birthdays! Ex used to make me return anything I bought him. Any presents I got his niece would be “accidentally” left behind lol or just handed straight back.
They are really flipping odd. Thank god for therapy and my family helping out or id have lost my mind dealing with them

That was hard to read, I cannot imagine what it was like to live through.

Tbh I wouldn't let him have access at all. When your daughter is old enough she'll absolutely understand. I'm usually dead against restricting access to dads & even have a friend who maintained the relationship between her daughter & the dad who put her (mum) in hospital so severely he did prison time - & we all know how often that happens 🙄. But he never threatened the daughter & I think that's the difference.

Fuck him, fuck his revolting family. What can they possibly bring to your daughters life aside from a horrifically toxic view of men. You're not wrong & I'm sorry you're suffering so much because of them. You're also not a Thing that they own, you're a survivor of domestic abuse. You're out, you won, cut them all off however you can.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What an absolute arsehole of a man he is.
I know it's really hard but I'd remove all softness and empathy when dealing with him. If he wants to see her, he can take you to court for access. He can arrange a contact centre. I'd set up an email address with which he is to contact you and change your number/block him. Don't give a fucking inch OP. "We shall no longer be here for DD's birthday. Any contact with wider family needs to be agreed beforehand, not decided without the consent of DD's primary parent and carer. In future, all communication between us will happen via this email address only, and all visits you make to DD will be made via a contact centre."
Big hugs to you. I've been in a similar-ish position, and really regret not being as formal and cold as possible from the beginning. My fear of my ex meant he got away with manipulating my children and I for far longer than was necessary.

So sorry to hear this and well done for getting out. Yes 100% do a weekend away so they just find a locked house. Definitely Women's Aid. Don't facilitate further visits, let him take you to court (Family Court is a nightmare but at least it will delay things). If you do book a hall don't tell him when or where. Sounds like he has no means of finding out. It does get better. Good luck

If you go for a court order, what do you feel the chances are of him gaining access to the children without supervision?
A horrible situation to be in....
If you want to keep the boat steady, could you book a hall / softplay for the party and invite loads of friends as well as your family so they are not alone with you and then disappear before the end to go and stay (with the kids) somewhere they don't know about.
Then at any court case he couldn't say you were obstructive.
Such a shame you have to even make a decision about this.

A 4th birthday - so not yet in school...

You have 4 days,

I don't think the council are going to be able to do anything useful In the timescale orher than dump you in a b& b for her birthday.

I'd be looking for a cheap trip to the seaside or even just across London. Some very cheap accomodation in business areas over the weekend etc.

Beware though if you stop him seeing her on her birthday you are going to have to seek protection for the weeks following as I suspect, given what he has put you through so far, he will not let that lie easily.

I think you need to find a solicitor who will sort things quicker.. shouldn't be difficult in London? Try and get a no contact or non- mol order which will protect you all for a while (including your parents address). See if you can arrange to see him through a contact centre. Make that his monthly visit where he can be professionally supervised.

As for her birthday - make some plans for her. She is struggling with all this as much as you are. She must be terrified by everything she has seen and understood from him.

his relatives do not have any visitation rights for the children and they do not have the right to enter your mother's home!! neither does he so keep him out. just take kids, lock the door and go to visit your own relatives for the rest of the day and night!! phone the police on 999 the minute they knock on the door if you cannot leave your mum's

I am so sorry, reading that. How awful.

If I were you, I would stop communicating with him entirely and force him to take you to court if he wants access. Gather together any documentation or evidence that you do have, about his abuse.

I believe you and your children are better off away from him entirely - he deserves no place in any of your lives. Protect your children from him in any way you can. He's only a 'dad' in the sense of being a sperm donor.

Oh and fuck your in laws.

@Cumberbiatch

I can so relate to your post in so many ways.!

Imo he gets nc until a judge says he has to.. At 4 your dd would think Rolf Harris was great. Dc have no idea of what or who is good for them. That's your role to weedle to wankers out of their lives.. My dc have no dgps... They definitely come to no harm that way..