Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man with sick wife being flirty

43 replies

JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 10:27

I'm in a hobby group and it has a Facebook page. There are about three admins, I am Facebook friends with all of them. One of them is a man who's almost 65. He posts regularly on the group page and is friends with many of the members, he is a very friendly and knowledgeable guy. He's an active and a good poster. Though sometimes he has what he refers to as a "cheeky" sense of humour. There are often flirtatious comments on posts by women on the group page.

His wife has cancer for the second time. They have grown up children and some grandchildren and have had a really good life and marriage. I don't know the prognosis as he doesn't share very much other than to say it was stable. I've noticed some posts he is making recently that show him going to concerts with "my mate" who's a rather attractive woman, I guess she is about 50.

He's sent me a few PMs asking how I am and puts kisses on them. He commented on a picture I had taken at the gym. It wasn't in any way revealing but he made a remark. I didn't challenge him on it but I didn't respond to it or like it either.

AIBU to think he is looking for someone in case his wife doesn't make it? Maybe that is dramatic. I am not going to say anything to him or to anyone else either except here,m but I feel a little uncomfortable. I try not to interact with him unless it is in a group. Thank you.

OP posts:
ILikeItWhatIsIt · 05/12/2023 11:11

If he's flirting with you and it's not welcome, just shut it down. Beyond that, what he does is nothing to do with you.

Comedycook · 05/12/2023 11:13

Well I don't think we need Sherlock Holmes to work this out

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 11:14

Commenting on your gym clothes would be creepy even if he were single. I'd defriend him tbh.

Ardith · 05/12/2023 11:16

He’s looking for casual sex, innit.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/12/2023 11:18

I'd ask how his sick wife is if he was leaving flirty comments on my pictures.

crikeymikeydoyoulikey · 05/12/2023 11:21

When I had been for a hospital appointment and was waiting for my bus transfer, I got chatting to a much older man. Just being friendly and passing the time. He was telling me all about his wife whom he was visiting in the hospital. Out of nowhere, he made a pass at me. I was shocked!

I made an excuse and moved away. Later, when I thought about it, I felt very annoyed at him disrespecting his wife like that. I tried to be charitable and think it was just because he was upset, but he came across as quite matter of fact and chipper about it. Ah well, it takes all kinds...

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/12/2023 11:23

Unfriend him or restrict your privacy settings to exclude him from things you post publicly. Ignore his messages.

The rest is all just you being a bit of a busybody. Who he goes to concerts with or other women’s public social media photos which they presumably post to get reactions on is for them to decide and worry about, not you.

KitchenAngst · 05/12/2023 11:23

Well, I don't think it needs to be a matter of being on the lookout for Wife#2, unless this is a change in this behaviour since his wife's cancer returned.

Some men of that age group (and not restricted to it, either, obviously) who pride themselves on having a 'cheeky sense of humour' (which generally means deeply tiresome 'banter', and an inability to regard any contact with a female fellow-human being in the same way as they would regard the same contact/conversation with a man, even if you're discussing wild swimming or tennis or mountaineering or chess) are just like this all the time.

I wouldn't regard going to a gig with a female friend as anything out of the ordinary. I'm 51 and often go to films or concerts with a male friend. Both of us are married, and both spouses are in good health!

Has his behaviour towards women changed of late? I would continue to ignore unless the comments become blatantly sexual, in which case I would say 'Keith, you are embarrassing yourself' and change the subject.

ManateeFair · 05/12/2023 11:23

Plenty of married men do that, regardless of whether they have a 'sick wife' or not. His wife's situation is irrelevant; if you don't want him messaging etc tell him clearly to stop, or just block him.

WhateverMate · 05/12/2023 11:38

ManateeFair · 05/12/2023 11:23

Plenty of married men do that, regardless of whether they have a 'sick wife' or not. His wife's situation is irrelevant; if you don't want him messaging etc tell him clearly to stop, or just block him.

This is what I was thinking too.

What was the remark he made on your photo OP?

Original poster
JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 12:01

WhateverMate · 05/12/2023 11:38

This is what I was thinking too.

What was the remark he made on your photo OP?

Show quote history

That hair is a pest hiding your cleavage . Lovely photo though xx

There was no cleavage to see. I had a Sweaty Betty workout vest on that isn't low at all. It was me and another woman on the picture, neither of us looked sexy.

OP posts:
KitchenAngst · 05/12/2023 12:07

JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 12:01

That hair is a pest hiding your cleavage . Lovely photo though xx

There was no cleavage to see. I had a Sweaty Betty workout vest on that isn't low at all. It was me and another woman on the picture, neither of us looked sexy.

Edited
Show quote history

Ugh. If repeated, go with the 'You're embarrassing yourself, X' response.

FictionalCharacter · 05/12/2023 12:26

JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 12:01

That hair is a pest hiding your cleavage . Lovely photo though xx

There was no cleavage to see. I had a Sweaty Betty workout vest on that isn't low at all. It was me and another woman on the picture, neither of us looked sexy.

Edited
Show quote history

That’s revolting and I wouldn’t stand for it. I agree with @KitchenAngst that some men like this use “cheeky” as an excuse to be deeply inappropriate with women (because they’re just joking, lol).
Either go with “you’re embarrassing yourself” - which may have no effect whatsoever because he’s “just being cheeky lol” - or tell him he’s a proper creep and block him.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 12:40

JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 12:01

That hair is a pest hiding your cleavage . Lovely photo though xx

There was no cleavage to see. I had a Sweaty Betty workout vest on that isn't low at all. It was me and another woman on the picture, neither of us looked sexy.

Edited
Show quote history

Ugh. What a sleazy perv.

Is he an appropriate person to be an admin? I bet he is messaging similarly creepy shit to group members.

mamakoukla · 05/12/2023 12:46

It’s not cheeky sense of humour to most people. Sadly, this is who he is and it will not necessarily match up to people’s expectations of respectful to either his duties as a husband, to his wife, or to how he communicates with women. Make your own decisions and act upon them.

I’d be minimizing contact and nipping this sort of behaviour in the bud. It’s not acceptable to me and, quite frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2023 12:48

I would take him to one side the next time you see him and explain that what he sees as cheeky banter has now crossed the line into creepiness. His comment was unwelcome and you'd appreciate him understanding your boundaries.
His friendships outside his marriage aren't really your business, but when his behaviour affects you, you're perfectly entitled to say something.

FictionalCharacter · 05/12/2023 13:35

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 12:40

Ugh. What a sleazy perv.

Is he an appropriate person to be an admin? I bet he is messaging similarly creepy shit to group members.

Show quote history

That’s a very good point. Admins shouldn’t make flirty (creepy) comments or send PMs to women with kisses.

If this is a hobby group I wonder why he’s posting pics of himself out with a female friend- it isn’t relevant. Maybe it’s his way of saying “look at me, this attractive younger woman is interested in me”.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/12/2023 13:38

ManateeFair · 05/12/2023 11:23

Plenty of married men do that, regardless of whether they have a 'sick wife' or not. His wife's situation is irrelevant; if you don't want him messaging etc tell him clearly to stop, or just block him.

Not just men - there's many married women who are looking for a bit on the side too.
It's unfair to say it's just men, when that definitely isn't the case.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/12/2023 14:25

Deathbyfluffy · 05/12/2023 13:38

Not just men - there's many married women who are looking for a bit on the side too.
It's unfair to say it's just men, when that definitely isn't the case.

Show quote history

Poster is talking about men because the original post is about a man making these types of comments to her, she didn't say " it's only men married or not you find making comments like that " did she?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 14:59

Going to a concert with a female friend is a totally normal thing to do, and none of your business whatsoever. But if he's using his position as an admin to send sleazy messages to female members, I'd want to know about it so I could stop it.

The fact that you say he often makes "flirtatious comments on posts by women on the group page" make me damn near certain that he is also sending sleazy DMs to women in the group. He's using his status to harass women, and you'll lose female members as a result.

How big is this hobby group? Would you be able to ask the other women in the group if they get similar creepy messages from him, and how they feel about it? What about asking the women whose posts he makes "flirtatious comments" on?

There is no way on earth that this man thinks that commenting on a woman's cleavage is just "cheeky humour". He knows full well what he's doing, but he thinks he can get away with it.

Original poster
JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 15:00

@TomatoSandwiches Correct, I am talking about this one individual not generalising at all. He just happens to be a man.

OP posts:
SignoraItaliana · 05/12/2023 15:03

There's cheeky and there's sleazy. He's sleazy, sick wife or not. He's probably always been on the look out for some extra marital fun, regardless of his apparently long and happy marriage. Next time he comments in a 'cheeky' way, ask him if he realises how creepy he is being.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 15:07

BTW - I don't consider his age to be relevant to this, and nor do I think it matters that he's married.

Using your status as a group admin to send sleazy messages to women online would also be shitty behaviour from a single 25 year old, and I'd give it short shrift.

Original poster
JoanThursday1972 · 05/12/2023 15:16

SignoraItaliana · 05/12/2023 15:03

There's cheeky and there's sleazy. He's sleazy, sick wife or not. He's probably always been on the look out for some extra marital fun, regardless of his apparently long and happy marriage. Next time he comments in a 'cheeky' way, ask him if he realises how creepy he is being.

Yes. He has daughters and his grandchildren are all girls. I find that at odds with this sort of communication.

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 15:18

If sleazy men didn't ever have female children, the human race would have died out long ago...

And if having female children stopped men being sleazy, men harassing women would be a lot rarer than it actually is.