School choices

[schoolchoiceshmmm]

Hi all

We are debating whether we should go for private school for our son. My issue is the school we like is a 40 minute coach away. We are not keen on the selective schools which are nearer because he wouldn’t do well under the constant pressure. We like this school because it is much smaller than the local state school, it seems nurturing and it has great facilities. My son is quite sensitive and I worry how he will come in a huge school for secondary.

The local state schoo has a reputation for poor behaviour but there are a lot of lovely kids that go too ofcourse. I guess my concern is he would get pushed to the back and ignored because the teachers would be dealing with poor behaviour a lot of the time.

What would you do?

What does your son think?

For a secondary age child I wouldn’t say 40 minutes was a massive journey, especially if it’s just on a coach as opposed to a walk, a train and two public buses. If you like the school, you’re ok to facilitate his social life being quite dispersed/being a parent taxi and you can comfortably afford it for the next 5-7 years (including with VAT added and above inflation increases each year), then it’s a very reasonable choice to make.

I am wary of small independent schools at the moment though, from a financial viability perspective.

And I assume you have actually visited and investigated state alternatives as opposed to going by word of mouth reputation? Because 5-7 years of secondary school fees is a fairly hefty chunk of money that if I could avoid spending on fees and instead use for my child’s house deposit I would. My local secondary has an undeserved reputation based on a headteacher who left several years and an intake which has now changed dramatically in character following changes to housing and catchments in the area. It’s actually a perfectly good school these days. Not as “nice” as the private sector I’m sure, but not worth tens of thousands to avoid.

Our dd has been in private secondary with a coach journey of about 45 mins per day each way (plus 10 mins in car to get her there). She was fine the first couple of years but the last couple with the added workload of GCSE’s and also wanting time for friends etc has been really tough on her. She’s going to state 6th form as a result. If we had our choice again we would seriously reconsider. Don’t underestimate how long that journey makes their overall day. She’s out the house at 7am and not home until almost 6pm.

Poor behaviour is usually in the lower sets and if streamed wouldn’t be too bad.

If you can afford it - why not trial it? You can always swap if necessary.

Interesting question! I hope more people reply as I have a very similar situation!

So confused…

Voted NBU but find it a little odd you think he’d not cope with selective but would be ok at private - they are usually very similar in culture? If anything I’d think the private may be even more cutthroat? If you think he can hack the private then I’d go for the selective (assuming it’s free)

Have you properly checked out the local state school? Don't go off reputation. That's often outdated and nothing like your subjective experience will be. All parents think their dc are sensitive and need extra sensitive care. Kids often surprise you, especially as they grow. Being close to the school and having local friends counts for a lot. A long journey to a cosseting private school may not equip them so well to cope with life as you think. Those are my thoughts, you'll decide what's best for your family. Just decide based on proper investigation not hearsay.

Nearly 7 hours a week on a coach is a lot of time. Do you know any kids who do the journey and know what the coach is like? As well as the daily commute he's likely to be quite far from friends he makes which could make socializing difficult (is that something he's likely to struggle with if he's sensitive?). And the if the expense isn't anyway a stretch, that can add to stress at home or loss of other opportunities.

The other thing to consider is that a larger school is more likely to have more kids who are similar to your son and he may find, if he doesn't follow norms (which it isn't clear from your description of him as sensitive), that he is more likely to find good friends who get him than in a smaller school.

I'm not saying it would be a bad idea to send him. I think it depends on each school and it may be that you can't actually tell until he goes. I'm just pointing out a couple of negatives because you appear to have already considered the positives I can think of. If distance is the only concern you have, could you move closer?

Some private schools are very high pressure but many, if not most, are not. You're just less likely to hear about the non-high pressured, non-selective schools because they don't tend to dominate exam results or Oxbridge entry. They serve the (relatively well-off) parents of children who aren't being hothoused and don't constantly score in the upper percentiles.

Thank you all for your advice.

My son isn’t sure what he would like best. I’m still in two minds but think we will go and see both schools again to get more of an idea

If he gets the coach home, what happens to after school activities? Would he ever do any? You are also assuming he’ll never make progress and be more outgoing. Generally dc do find their feet because they have to! Few parents can shield dc for 7 years. Maturity has to kick in. I really would check the breadth of education at the private school and if it’s worth the money. I don’t think some are.