Dreading the In-laws visiting. Help.

[ChristmasFairyxx]

long time user, name changed.

Going to try to keep this short but also not drip feed…. So it will be long!

I don’t like my In-laws. Married a long time and have small children. MIL is a woe-is-me victim/narcissistic tendencies with a nasty tongue. Plays the dutiful mother/GM role on social media but doesn’t actually like to contribute help, just wants GCs to smile for her photos but expects them to play by themselves whilst she lazes around and trawls FB and the Daily Fail. It drives me bonkers! FIL is an enabler, knows what she does/says is wrong but will always defend her even when she is ridiculously offensive. If we call her out he will always get very angry and make things 10x worse

Over the years MIL has been offensive to me in many ways (calling me by exes name insinuating I am fat - i have never been bigger than a size 12 but mostly size 8 amongst many other insults), also offensive to DH but my main issue is how offensive she has been to my parents/family. Mainly out of jealousy that DGC prefer my parents and accuses favouritism on my part but we have always ensured equal time/access to both sets of GPs but she won’t believe it. She was exceptionally nasty to my parents the last time she saw them, calling names, tutting, getting angry whenever the children favoured them (because they play with them) and even turning her back to them and copying what they say in a whiney tone. It was excruciating to witness and I swore I would never have them in her presence again.

We live far away from both sets of parents so visits have to be planned in advance. My parents call every weekend and speak to the children so they have lots of contact between visits. In Laws have not called or asked about our children for 6 months. SIX MONTHS! DH extended an olive branch for them to come and visit us and they are staying for an extended weekend soon. Already they are making demands about doing things that interrupt the children’s’ hobbies and routine to do things they want to do.

Anyhow, to my AIBU….. they have planned to arrive on a day I have my works Christmas lunch. It should end at 6pm but I am contemplating either trying to get them to stay out later with me or go do some late night shopping so I don’t have to face them

Is it unreasonable to stay out as long as possible to avoid one less evening with them?

It would be so rude OP! You should do it.
I presume you don't hold much hope in this olive branch anyway?

Get a hotel and leave the husband to it. Go Christmas shopping the day after.

Honestly, the amount of anxiety I get about having to listen to my mil be passive aggressive all day just ruins December for me so I am opting out.

Stay out late and be busy all weekend

Argh they sound awful. YANBU.

Where's your DH in all this? Hope he's not sitting by while his mother insults his wife and her parents...

Stayniyt as Kate as possible, come home with food poisoning and stay in bed rest of weekend

This had me in stitches, because when mine come in town and stay two weeks(!) I arrange every single doctor’s visit, mammogram screening, dentist appointment, lengthen my work days, etc etc so I don’t have to be the sole one home with them!! DO IT!

My first thought was book a hotel and pretend it's going to be a late one! E joy the peace and quiet and leave DH to entertain them

Honestly, I’d go away the whole weekend and let Dh bask in the enjoyment of their visit with the dc. That way there is no buffer (you). He has to fully deal with it all and you get a break. Personally, I wouldn’t be inviting them at all if they ignored my child for 6 months.

My mum similarly made it quite clear she had no interest in my dc apart from for photos to post on Facebook. There are bigger issues than just this, but we are NC now. She still on rare occasions gets in touch. Hasn’t seen my dc in 4 years. My youngest doesn’t even remember ever meeting her. Yet she still messages me twice a year to ask for photos for Facebook! 🙄

I regularly take myself out for the day when any of dh’s family visits. It means he has to do the hosting and entertaining and I get a break.

Who knows what happens following a works Christmas Lunch or Do?
Just let your DH know that you'll be home when you are home and make no apologies for what condition you might be in!!
Then you can please yourself how you spend your evening be it having a drink or going shopping!!

Haha, I do this! Last time they came up i tolc my husband i had a work meal & then went to the cinema by myself- it was ace!

Oh my goodness! You wonderful, wonderful ladies are making me feel so much better! I was feeling guilty about it but you’re making me realise I am not unreasonable!

Im always the one who tries to keep the peace with the in laws and panders to them for an easy life. Im realising Im not the only one and although I hate for anyone else to be in this situation… it really does make me feel better.

DH is completely on my side with this and has the same POV so would support me but I’ve always been a happy people pleaser to keep the peace. This will be completely new to me!

I think it's very kind and thoughtful of you to give them extra time with their grandchildren to bond. You should definitely stay out overnight

Well stop bloody pandering!! Don't lift as much as a kettle their entire visit. They haven't come to see you. And you aren't bloody staff either...

Definitely stay well out of the way until at least mid afternoon on the Saturday. Nice hotel breakfast and a mooch round the shops on your own - winner!

OP, I cannot fathom that you would allow your parents to be treated so badly by this woman.

I just don't understand how anyone could lack such basic loyalty to their own parents, especially ones that are so nice and such interested grandparents.

That woman would not come inside my door again.

My husband would be told visit his parents with the children if he insisted but she would never be inflicted on my parents again.

Loyalty is so important in all our relationships.

Would you really be happy for your own children to stand by and allow YOU to be treat in such a way?

Your husband is allowing it too.

Just awful.

No one needs people like this in their lives, least of all your children whom are just used by them for photos.

Stay in a hotel after your Xmas do …. or come back rat arsed and tell them what you think of them 😀

@billy1966 I did not ‘allow them to be treated this way’. I called her out the first time and my parents took me to one side and told me to just ignore her behaviour. They are the loveliest people and just wanted it to be a nice weekend for my child’s birthday and to keep the peace of that very short period of time. So I did as they asked and bit my tongue….hard!

I am fiercely loyal to my parents and I swore to them I would never put them in a situation where they have to see them ever again. And I won’t

They were fine about it, they weren’t offended at all (they don’t care enough about her opinion) and actually laughed about how her behaviour was like a toddler. It was me that was angry about it.

But thank you for taking the time to comment your judgemental message.

They sound like hard work, however I’m wondering why you’ve invited them on a weekend you’re busy? Also, if you’re inviting them to spend time with their grandchildren, why are you expecting the grandchildren to continue with their hobbies instead of doing things with their grandparents?
Unless the visit dates can be changed, then obviously the works do still goes ahead. But I would plan activities they want to do with the grandchildren too.

Honestly OP I could have written this with the exception that my FIL was lovely and the only one who could stop MIL and my MIL is no longer allowed to stay in our house.

For years I tried to keep the peace, Foster a relationship when she never bothers at all about her GC unless it's for infront of others or for show. I got fed up and just stopped one day. Why should I run myself in circles trying to establish a relationship when she clearly can't be bothered to see how her GC are! Worst part is she's exactly the same with SIL and she's 20 miles away!

Also agree with your DP ignore the behaviour don't rise to it don't pander to it she will get bored and huff off when nobody is engaging her.
She tried the woe is me card with family DH simply replied relationships go both ways if she doesn't bother to call etc then that's her choice I'm fed up of chasing (he made sure it was him expressing it not we so I couldn't be the big bad DIL she paints me to be).

Enjoy your night out and book a hotel!!

This women treated your parents appallingly and your husband is rewarding them with another visit to your home.

Your parents weren't upset you write, well good for them, but it is clear that she behaved terribly.

It is a complete no brainer to be out more than in, with arrangements made to be absent.

Leave your husband to organise his awful parents and the children completely.

You may think it judgmental to be loyal but your husband is in fact far more loyal to his parents than to you.

His mother treated you and your family appallingly yet she still gets to come and visit.

Very poor behaviour from your husband.

I wouldn't make ANY preparations for the visit, no shopping, no preparation of bedrooms, and I would be busy all weekend with activities away from the house.

I would be polite and no more.

But I am very loyal and I wouldn't tolerate anyone behaving like that towards people I love in MY home, while they were MY guests.

Your husband is disrespecting you and your family by inviting them.

He should have taken the children to visit them if he was that keen.

Instead he has brought this awful woman to your home again.

Yeah, stay out late. You can't get away from work. Take DC to their usual activities but lay on some special events for the grandparents - a panto or carol service that they can whine about afterwards but at least keeps them busy and silent for an hour or so.

Put on classic movies in the evenings so they can't whine, and take DC out for walks or remember you have an errand to run if they get too much.

I think it’s better yoh do stay out, your husband can handle it, but I also think it’s reasonable if you’ve invited them to allow the kids to spend time with them. It’s all so dramatic and dysfunctional.

but yes, stay out, let your husband handle it.

@ChristmasFairyxx isnt your night out the night before you have to do a whole day's compulsory overtime??? Why has your hubby invited them when he knows exactly what they are like? I am sorry but I would be telling him never ever to do that again. you need to arrange something to take your kids to overnight so they dont have to see them either! leave your hubby with his parents!

I completely get where you’re all coming from. Our DCs don’t see the behaviour and love their GPs. I would never stop them having a relationship but they have to be the ones that make the effort as we have done so far. Hence why they are coming to visit us instead of the other way round - they have to get off their backsides to see them, instead of us packing up the whole house to traipse over to see them.

They aren’t awful all the time and can even be lovely sometimes but just have their moments and the last visit was just the worst occurrence. I truly believe they are blind to their own behaviour and are too old/set in their ways to change.

DH is totally on my side, he contacted his parents after their last visit to tell them exactly what he thought of their behaviour and that it isn’t acceptable. They apologised to him but they have not apologised to me (or my parents) so I’m still angry with them.

They are coming on that weekend as it is the only time we have around Christmas where we aren’t hosting or visiting other people. It just wasn’t worth the fallout to say no.

As mentioned my works do wouldn’t interfere with the visit as it is during the day - hence my original question about staying out later.
The plan for us was always to send in-laws along with the children to their hobbies (1 each on one day) and then we would go to do something Christmassy all together/have nice meals etc. They just suggest doing things they like that would bore the DCs senseless (so we won’t be doing them)

They gave a hollow offer of babysitting if we wanted to go out (fully expecting us to say no as usual) and DH said yes and has booked a restaurant so we can both escape together one night!

We teach people how to treat us.

You have made this thread because you are conflicted.

You write that you remain angry at their treatment of you and your parents.

Hold on to your anger.
Don't lose it.
Your anger is absolutely justified.

These awful people offer you and your children nothing.

By being absent you make it very very clear to your husband and his family that you will not be messed with.

Your husband wants his family to visit, then let him do the work involved.

She behaved as she did because she thinks she can, don't kid yourself otherwise.

My friend many years ago had a rude MIL and when her husband scheduled a visit without her agreement she upped to her parents for 3 nights.

He was left with the fallout as she didn't return until monday evening.
He couldn't believe it.

She told him that she would do it again and every time his parents were invited, as she had no intention of ever being in his mothers presence again.

THAT was the motivation he needed to put manners on his mother, finally.

It took another full year, but she apologised fully and asked to start again.

A truce was reached and she never said as much as boo to my friend again and they had 20 years of a respectful relationship before her death.

We teach people how to treat us.

People like your MIL behave as they do because they have been allowed to.

My friends SIL is very direct. Very brilliant, with a very big career, but takes no prisoners.
She is married with two children, not very maternal, has 24 hour nannys etc., but loves her children, just not very hands on.

The story goes that her MIL is a difficult woman, always has been apparently and her family have danced around always.

As she was leaving having visited his family for the first time many years ago, she thanked them for having her, when her FIL kindly said I hope you will visit again.

She replied that she doubted she would, that his wife and she had little in common, that the atmosphere at times wasn't pleasant and she would prefer not to.🤣Hilarious!

Her face was an absolute picture apparently and she was genuinely speechless, as was her husband.

She still married him and they visit, stay nearby, and she has been a most pleasant MIL during their marriage. No issues at all.
She was firmly put in her place after the first meeting.

A masterclass IMO🤣.