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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect?

16 replies

Sheilaswheelz · 04/12/2023 19:54

So after 13 years together I asked my DH to leave, He wasn't contributing to family life and just going out whenever he pleased, played hobbies 3 nights a week and had football season tickets etc.

Since he left I have done nothing but think about him, I have constantly gone on about a woman he was always with when they go out as a group from work to festivals etc, he has always swore to me nothing has happened. Since we have split I asked him if he fancied her and he said yes, However, he has been coming round most nights, telling me how much he cant stop thinking about me and how beautiful I am etc, is he doing this to make me jealous or is that it for us?

Please help, this is driving me crazy as the thought of him being with somebody else really hurts. We have 2 beautiful children together and they are not aware of the dispute between us (as he is ever here anyway) I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:
DaftyLass · 04/12/2023 20:03

You asked him to leave, so he needs to stop coming around, and you need to not worry about who he fancies.

Allthewallsarewhite · 04/12/2023 20:59

I think you have to communicate clearly what you want and then you either agree to recommit to each other and give it another go, or you don't and if you don't then there's unfortunately nothing you can do about what he does next, but he would then have to stop visiting you and limit contact as much as possible (considering there's children involved), as it would be unfair to give you false hope

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 08:56

The thing is now he is saying I only want him back because I dont want him to like this other woman. He said I need to have a think about what I really want.

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 08:57

It is literally driving me insane the thought of him being with somebody else? is this a normal reaction? I thought I was ok up until then?

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 08:59

I keep thinking if he likes he now, he must've felt that way all along as they have always gone out together in a group and I feel so stupid that he was out with her whilst I was at home with our children, I trusted him

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Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 09:42

You can’t be with someone just because you’re jealous of the thought of him with someone else.

You don’t give enough info or context for anyone else to guess at whether he’s trying to make you jealous. But what I really don’t understand is why he still comes over after you kicked him out?

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 09:44

Did you ask him to leace as some form of manipulation tactic?

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 10:00

No, I really didnt, I was fed up of him just doing what he pleased and not helping around the house. He played sports 3 nights per week and various different things at the weekends (season tickets etc) I genuinely thought I didnt love him anymore

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Yaros · 05/12/2023 10:02

Your husband sounds incredibly entitled and self centred. It is not possible for people like that to have healthy relationships which are about two people. You are jealous of an idea not reality.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 10:08

I just dont understand where all these feelings have come from. I was so sure in my decision and have put everything in place for the children and I. Obviously he comes round to collect them and is helping more now than he ever has. I lay awake at night imagining all sorts of things that he is upto with this woman and the fact that he works with her makes it even worse.

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Cyclebabble · 05/12/2023 10:13

I can understand him feeling very confused. You can divorce for any reason if you think it is not working, but you need to be clear if you want your marriage to work or not. You cannot say I feel jealous therefore I want him back. If you want to divorce him you need to leave him free to live his own life- and you need to get on yours without looking backwards. Alternatively work on sorting out what you have.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/12/2023 10:17

I imagine there’s a part of you that really wanted him to be miserable and pining for what he’d lost when you kicked him out, rather than living his best life and moving on with somebody who does want him, and you’re annoyed as much as anything else that you aren’t getting that satisfaction. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. You need to concentrate on moving on yourself and living your own best life, rather than getting invested in his. If you weren’t happy with him when you asked him to leave then you aren’t going to be happy even if he does come back. He’s being a better and more helpful parent because it’s less of a commitment now to drop in rather than love with you all, not because he’s made some about face.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 10:17

I suppose I asked him to leave for a reason, I was really unhappy and felt so alone and need to not loose sight of that. I never imagined he would move on so quickly, I cant even think about anybody else right now.

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 10:38

Obviously it would have been nice to see that he was bothered about what happened but obviously not. That isn't why I did what I did, I genuinely felt I had had enough of him taking the P* out of me and just doing what he liked.

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Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 10:40

You don’t even know if he is with someone else or interested in that person.

But if he is, it’s another reason for why you did the right thing. You’re experiencing separation anxiety; it’s not a reason to want him back.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 05/12/2023 10:47

Yes i think you're right. Thanks so much for your help

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