Would this be weird or is it what co parents do?

[Wonderifweird]

I have a 1 year old. His dad and I ended on very bad terms (no violence just very emotionally damaging for me at least). However, we’ve tried to be amicable and in the last few months I’ve met him to see DS. It takes around an hour each to drive somewhere in between so it’s not horrendous but I’m also bloody sick of driving round on my day off at the weekend to accommodate this especially in winter. I was thinking of suggesting he just comes to our house instead, he can spend time with DS in DS’s own environment and I don’t have to sit freezing in parks etc. He won’t take DS on his own and it wouldn’t be realistic for DS to stay with him as he travels for work and DS wouldn’t be able to get used to being in his house (I’ve already raised this and was told it wouldn’t work while he is so young and I agree).

But is this weird? I feel angry at him for a lot of things that happened but I’m also exhausted at having this weird situation where we meet and I have to drag DS with all his stuff to places he doesn’t want to be. He just wants to be home with his toys and I hate the faff of a long day out too.

What do co parents do?

I wouldn't let an ex into my house. You need to safeguard your space & feel safe there.

If Ex wants to see his son then he needs to sort out how & where it will happen - stop doing his work for him.

I wouldnt let ex in my home. Generally whoever moved does the travelling. Another option is you meet somewhere inside like soft play.

Depends on what you think is best for DS, if you don't drive will ex eventually give up. How would that impact DS?

I don’t think it’s weird, I think it happens a lot when there’s a such young child. At least if he comes to yours you know where your DS is and your DS is happier than being driven a hour away to meet up in a park.

My ex has seen my dc in my house many times and has even slept over when I want a night out. I still don’t like him but I do what ever works for the dc.

I wouldn’t have my ex in my house but nor would I be driving a baby about for hours unnecessarily. Can’t he visit somewhere local to you?

Thanks this is helpful! I always swore he would never step foot in my home after what he did but in honesty I’m just fed up of the faff involved in travelling. Even if he was to do most of the travelling which he often does, I still have to pack stuff up for ds and he relies 99% on me so I don’t feel fair just leaving him, and that means I have to sit in cafes or in parks or soft play and it infuriates me when I need time at home after a long week!

@Crunk he would come more local to us but it’s all on me to get ds out of the house and have his lunch prepared or sort somewhere for lunch with baby changing etc etc.

It's actually not for you to do those things . Stop doing everything for him or he will never learn. Next time you organise to meet just text him, because of the CoL crisis I can't afford to provide X,Y,Z please make sure you bring them with you, where are we meeting this week?

I used to pack a bag with Dd's old clothes that were stained etc, so if she soiled what she was in he could change her but they weren't her 'good' clothes, I learnt my lesson after he left a whole bag of new, lovely clothes for her on a bus. He soon started bringing his own stuff.

Did ex live with DS? Do they know each other well enough for him to just pick him up and for them to go out for a few hours without you?

If you ignore your own feelings do they have as good a bond as say a babysitter you'd leave him with?, in which case you could start letting them get on with their time together without you. It's horrible at first but you soon make the most of the break.

Stop pandering to him. Meet half way and leave him to bring your child whatever he needs while he has him

My ex has been here, and we try and do something together all 3 of us each school holiday, but we ended quite amicably. So I wouldn't say it was odd, but it would have to be something you were comfortable with.

This isn’t coparenting,it’s him playing at being a dad. Let him sort it out, he’ll probably lose interest.

I don't understand why you say he can't take your DS on his own or to his place? Even if it's for an afternoon or a few hours... You would need to build it up to overnights if you really want to coparent, and this won't happen if you child doesn't get to know his dad's environment (or his dad at all of they don't spend much time together)