To feel so depressed

[givenuphope90]

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and I just feel so depressed like I want to kill myself.

It was a complicated pregnancy along with a traumatic birth, I had PPH which resulted in a blood transfusion.
I had suspected Sepsis and have just been treated for a womb infection.
I am also anaemic which makes me feel very tired, I have w second degree tear which is extremely painful.
Since I gave birth I have lost the urge to pee but when I do pee I can empty my bladder.

I live in a different city to my parents, and have few friends here.

All my partner does is moan at me and go on about how much he does for me and our son.
He says he feel so unappreciated by me and I dont know what my partner expects me to do.
I am so traumatised by the birth and feel robbed at having my son taken away from soon as I gave birth.
My partner has really bonded with our son and parenthood seems to come so naturally to him where I really struggle and cant even change a nappy without it leaking.

I am so useless.
The only thing that seems to make me happy is watching EastEnders.

My partner does 50% of everything at the moment and it is constantly thrown back in my face.

As soon as I open my eyes he will just moan at me for the apartment being so cold or having to watch EastEnders.

My partner is really making me feel like I want to just kill myself, I cant take the moaning anymore.

I sleep on the sofa to do the night feeds and nappy changes whist he sleeps in bed and moans that he does more.

This is my apartment which is in my name and which I pay rent on.
I gave him a key as it saved me keep answering the buzzer.

I have asked him to leave a few times now after arguments but he refuses to leave.

I just dont know what to do anymore.
I dont want to mention anything to the Health Visitor in case Social Services get involved.

Moving back to my parents isnt an option as they themselves physically abused me when I was younger and I have a strained relationship with them.

I really feel so depressed and just feel like killing myself.

I’m really sorry you are feeling so down. I have been suicidal myself and it’s a horrible place to be. Sending lots of hugs. There is help out there and it does get better. It sounds like you have Post natel depression. If you tell your health visitor about it she should be able to access some support for you. It’s very common and nothing to be ashamed of but you really need to be supported to get better. Your partner sounds awful tbh. Does he know how you are feeling?

Get him removed if he won’t leave. Change the locks when he goes out.

Oh @givenuphope90 , I’m not a parent but just had to respond. My heart goes out to you. You’ve had a traumatic birth, sepsis and anaemia, it’s no wonder you are exhausted and depressed. Your partner’s doing 50% so you say, but he’s getting a full night’s sleep in the bed!! while you sleep on the sofa and do the night feeds! So he’s not really doing 50% is he?

I don’t have any easy answers but I’d encourage you to talk to your Health Visitor about how you feel - I don’t think SS would get involved unless there was abuse or neglect. Other Mumsnetters , can you comment?

Big hug to you xx

My partner is always here and when the midwife and Health Visitor have visited my partner has been present and it is impossible for me to talk to them one on one.

My Health Visitor is a lovely lady and I felt so at ease with her when she visited.

I feel so bullied by my partner, he is demanding our son has his surname and in the Red Book his surname is all over the stickers. I feel as if I have no control.

I struggle to BF as my son wont latch on and just cry or look away.

But as soon as my son is on my partners chest he will go for his chest straight away as if to breastfeed (something he never ever does with me) and my partner will take great pleasure in letting me know that my son think's he is his mum.

I dont know what I am doing wrong.
I feel so useless.

Do you have family or close friends you can talk to? Perhaps even come and stay for a bit? Do you want out of your relationship with your partner? You say it is your house, if you don’t want him there he has no legal right to be there. You can call the police if he refuses to leave or wait till he goes out and get the locks changed. If you feel at ease with your health visitor she’d probably be the best person to talk to regarding finding you support for your mental health

Also, you’re not doing anything wrong. Some babies just take a while to latch, your health visitor can help you with this

Also I don’t think SS would get involved unless there was a danger to the child. But if there is any sort of abuse from your partner it may be a good thing that they get involved as they could help get him out and ensure you and your baby are protected from him

Is there anytime your partner isn't around that you could ring the health visitor and tell them how your feeling, or maybe go out of the house and call them? i really think you need to talk to someone, they wont judge you its so common to feel down after giving birth, they will likely refer to mental health nurse, i had to do this after my first and social services where not called i wouldnt worry about that. 3 weeks pp is still very early days, it takes time to recover physically and mentally from childbirth especially when you've had a traumatic birth. Breastfeeding can be really tough for about the first 6 weeks especially with a baby that struggles to latch. Put nipple to the baby's nose not their mouth, this always worked for me, baby should arch head back and open mouth wide so you can just pop it in their mouth. There's loads of YouTube videos that show how to get baby to latch I found them really helpful when mine where newborns x

@purpledaze24 thank you for your kind words.

My sister and brother live an hour away in a different city.

I have a few friends that could pop over and stay with me.
I just find it so hard, the days just roll into each other and I never leave the apartment.

I finally got my partner to leave not without another argument.

I guess the Health Visitor will be the first point of call.
My partner isnt physically abusive he is emotionally abusive and I feel so miserable in this relationship.

He was there when I was rushed into theatre and he knows how ill I was and yet I get no support just moaning about the lack of affection from me.

@K37529 hi yes he has just left.
I will call the HV first thing tomorrow.

I will look at the YouTube videos on breastfeeding and try the nose first.
I literally have no idea what I am doing.

Its been such a traumatic time, I spent a week in hospital and my partner just expects me just to be back to normal.

I think we are probably better separating as I am so miserable with him.

I feel better already since he left.
He makes me toast and throws that back in my face as if he does so much for me.

Even in the hospital he would come and just start moaning at me.

If you have a number for the health visitor, send her a text. They will respond to it. Once your mental health feels a bit better you'll be able to judge the partner situation.

It's common, shit and scary, but common. The pph also doesn't help mental health from a physiological perspective.

Your partner sounds extremely immature and self centred! You’ve done really well to get him to leave this evening.

I really hope that you get some help from your Health visitor. About breastfeeding, I used to know someone who volunteered with the NCT (national childbirth trust). They have a breastfeeding support program, online and phone, and in some areas, their website says that there are volunteers who you can meet with one-to-one.

Don’t underrate what you’ve been through, physically and emotionally x