Will this sort of contact with exDP harm our son? Should I say something?

[2hwp]

Dp and I broke up very soon after ds was born. I heard nothing from him (aside from maintenance) until ds was 18 months and he is now 2. He has begun seeing ds every two to three weeks for a day. He doesn’t actually do anything alone with him other than a quick walk etc then I will do his meals and he will play with his dad in my home. I have been ok with this as we live 3 hours apart and it’s just not feasible to keep meeting half way or in cafes or play centres. I also think it’s nice for ds to have his dad in his home.

Anyway. I don’t think ex DP seeing ds once every couple of weeks or so is ideal for ds as he gets bigger. I think weekly would be better and as a bare minimum fortnightly but definitely not longer. I am so worried on the impact on ds if he is so ad hoc. In fairness to ex DP he does work shifts so sometimes it does have to be fortnightly but to me there is surely no excuse for longer.

I don’t want to rock the boat and make a big issue out of nothing… is this nothing? Should I say something? I’ve not said anything so far as I’ve just been glad he is seeing ds and taking an interest in him which he didn’t do for the first year or so. I just want what is best for ds, should I say he needs to do more or keep quiet?

Hopeful bump!

Why would suggesting he sees his son more 'rock the boat'? Surely he would agree or say no?

You can see a,family member irregularly and it s fine. Like a benign uncle?

You live three hours apart
Unless he is going to move closer it will be only high days and holidays
But if you ok him being in your house go out and stoo making food etc so he takes responsibility

@GreyhpundGirl I mean because if this current set up is going to damage him and others have experience of that being the case then I am inevitably going to feel angry with him if he doesn’t step up more

Honestly, as shit as it is, consistency is a lot more important than frequency. It will be much worse for you and your DS if your ex commits to more frequent contact and doesn’t stick to it. I would stick with what you are doing, maybe encourage him to try and do more with him, and can suggest increasing but really it needs to be driven by him. It’s much more upsetting for the child if they are told to expect more that doesn’t happen.

It wont damage him if time spent together is positive even if limited.
No point you getting angry or pushing
Your ds will get used to whatever happens eg he sees his dad once a month or whatever
If that time together is positive then no worries
When he older can go spend more time

But if you are doing everything cooking for them and running around your ds will grow up thinking men do not need to anything except turn up and play.
So the times with dad let dad take him out and be responsible

I think that consistency is the key thing. My dad lived at the other end of the country and I only saw him 2 or 3 times a year. But, he phoned frequently, and visits were consistent, so it was just normal to me. In my late teens he moved a lot closer and we saw each other more regularly. We managed to have a close relationship despite the physical distance.

I don't see why it would harm your son seeing his dad very two or three weeks? Yeah, in an ideal world obviously he'd see more of him - but in an ideal world, he'd see both his parents every day. I don't think seeing his dad every few weeks is going to be any different from seeing him once a week, really, provided it's all relatively consistent. Suggesting that it might be 'harmful' to see him every few weeks sounds like you're thinking of giving him a 'see him every week or you don't see him at all' ultimatum, which is obviously not an OK way to deal with access arrangements.

I don't think this is something you can force, and if your son enjoys playing with his dad then it's better that he sees him every two or three weeks than not at all.

Do you want to see more of DS's dad?

You are better to approach it positively - DS really enjoys playing with you. It is great to see you two bonding. I know he looks forward to your visits and gets excited when I say you are coming.

Vs

You need to be here more, you are damaging your son.