Sometimes being an introvert is exhausting?

[FuckOffTom]

I do feel like it’s me that’s being unreasonable here. But I don’t know how to change it!
I have some wonderful friends. But sometimes, I find listening to them talk about their lives absolutely exhausting.
I know how lucky I am to have these people - they are amazing and supportive but sometimes, when they call me or visit me I find myself feeling absolutely exhausted listening to their stories. It’s not their fault, they are just trying to ‘catch up’ with me. But they’re telling me in detail about a cupboard they’ve cleared out, or about a visit their dogs had to the vets, or a friend of a friend (whom I have never met) and her issue with her knees and I feel overwhelmed and exasperated listening to it. I just want to be left alone sometimes and not be talked at.
Don’t get me wrong, if the conversation is a bit deeper, or if a friend really needs my support or we are talking about interesting ideas then I love a good conversation.
Do a lot of people experience this and how do I deal with it? Do I carry on feigning interest??

@Witchyblankets

I get really pissed off when I ‘have conversations’ and do all the question asking, look interested, make the other person feel listened to but they just do not reciprocate. They ask no questions, they are on transmit and they do not pick up the social queues on how to have a conversation properly.

Right, absolutely. Most people hate this. But that's not something which is the preserve of extroverts or introverts. It's just selfish people who can't read a room.

People are really quick to push the people they meet into boxes marked "introvert" or "extrovert" based on their social skills. It's completely inaccurate. In fact there are introverts who are highly socially skilled and extroverts who suffer from acute social anxiety. Other people have said this many times but it bears saying again. Introverts are not just shy people or people who get anxious. They are people who need time out of social situations to recharge themselves.

And the reason this matters is that we as a society already suffer from a massive tendency to polarise people based on these very binary definitions. The more we polarise people and pathologise them based on these (poorly defined) labels, the less we understand and tolerate one another.

I wish I could change the title of this thread now

@Thepeopleversuswork

I agree with you. I have not referred to introverts or extroverts. I’m merely pointing out that some folk just make shite conversationalists.

@FuckOffTom 😁

They do, absolutely. But it has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert. I’m an introvert with a lot of friends. None of them talk at me. None monologue about their cupboards. Likewise I don’t monologue at people about my house renovations or psoriasis.

@Clydagh yup. Again I agree with you. Nothing to do with being introvert or extrovert. Being a crap conversationalist can fall into either or other camps

I should introduce you all to my friend. We had a casual arrangement to meet up last week so I sent her a msg to see what day, saying what days did not suit me. I got a 7 minute WhatsApp voice note. I kid you not. Example:

'i cant meet on Monday cos on Mondays I have to bring T to gymnastics, then on the way home i have to call into my mums, she is getting her bathroom decorated and she is picking out tiles. She got the same tiler my aunt had, he did a great job and he was due to start last week but then his aunt died so he postponed for a week, it was an awful story cos she only found out she was sick two weeks before and she had her own business too, do you know that florists on that road where P got her wedding flowers, well thats hers but she's retired now and there is a lovely American lady running it now. So ill probably stay with my mum for an hour and have a cup of tea and then ill be late enough home so I'll be rushing with the dinner, I'm going to defrost a lasagne, they have lovely ones in that new deli there you know near the Tesco there where H used to work. I saw her the other day actually she was looking great, her youngest is in secondary now imagine. SoTuesday I can't because.....'

Honesty I feel like screaming sometimes.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong
that makes my head hurt. Just white noise of pish!

This! This is my experience too!
I am glad it’s not just me that feels drained after listening to someone talk like this!

I agree that we ALL get tired out by a chatty bore. There are a couple of women at my work like this....lovely women but hold court in the staffroom going on about the tiny details of mundane things. I don't want to spend my break listening to the ins and outs of your 11 year old's football club. I don't care. He's not my son and football is of no interest to me. Similarly the one who not only chunders on about her own minor ailments but tells everyone about other people's too...like her auntie or neighbour. She's obsessed with health issues and hasn't got the social awareness to realise no one else gives a fuck. I'm an extrovert but I sometimes come away from my break feeling worn out by having to pay their drivel attention.

But the weird thing is that you seem to be upset you don’t find boring monologues interesting! Why? Anyone would find this excruciatingly dull! Someone who drones on like this isn’t ‘bonding’ with you, they’re just demonstrating a complete indifference to you.

I have a tendency to think it’s my fault whenever I react negatively to anyone’s words or behaviour. I guess I thought that these people were trying to bond with me but maybe not? You could be right on the demonstrating indifference thing.
Perhaps they’re not really fussed about who they’re talking to, as long as they are talking?

It can be exhausting. You need better boundaries!

Would you avoid these people? Or change the subject? I don’t know how I could even do that. Stop someone mid flow and bring up an entirely different topic?

I understand the dilemma. I spend time with people who are on my wavelength who actually talk about things I enjoy talking about and who listen to me talking about what I want to talk about.

Yes, I’d avoid/spend less time with these people. Best way to do that is to spend more time on things you enjoy; start being selfish. In all likelihood, you’ll eventually start gelling with people more like you, instead of having your time wasted, and/or these current people will have to listen to your stuff - and if they won’t, they’ll either disappear or you really will have had enough.

You need to find new friends. I'm a true introvert through and through but still enjoy lively interaction with others. I wouldn't know if most of them are introvert or extrovert!

I think people have lost social skills since the pandemic, I know I have and might ramble on about all sorts of boring stuff at times. And sometimes life is a bit boring, I feel rather dull, and I don't have much of interest to share.

That's ok, none of us have to be life and soul of the party at all times even if we enjoy social occasions. I'd say be patient, ask questions and try to draw people out of themselves and talk about what really interests them.

I once sat with a very shy and quietly spoken man with a strong NI accent and managed to chat to him and listen to him for a couple of hours at a dinner. Quite hard especially when you don't understand or hear some of it! The more you do these things the easier it is. I wasn't very good at this when I was younger unless I instantly hit it off with someone.