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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is friend being flirty with DH?

26 replies

Anychanceofabrew · 04/12/2023 09:31

large group of friends/couples, we all get on and regularly do things as a group and smaller groups.

recently went out for food and drinks with a few of the couples. Really lovely place and plans to do a bar crawl after food. When we got to the meal I started to feel poorly a couple of drinks in, went off to the loo and friend in question was chatting to DH. I was chatting with another couple at the time but noticed she was doing a lot of touching and leaning on him laughing etc. It drew my attention over as their conversation was also just between them. I felt a bit out of sorts but put it down to the fact that I was feeling sick. Friend above follows me to the loo and asks me if I’m ok, I tell her no I’m actually feeling sick and planning to ask DH if we can go home after we’ve finished the meals as I don’t think I’m going to be well enough for the bar crawl. She gives me a cuddle and says no worries that she understands and we will catch up soon. I head back to the table after the loos and she’s back over chatting to hubby and doing lots of giggling/touching. It looks like he’s trying to include others in the conversation but she turns her body as if to the block the rest of the group out. They are sat in the corner of the booth, blocked in, so I can’t physically go around to get his attention. Keep popping my head up to catch his eye and give him the nod to ask if we can call it a night. He hasn’t noticed me and is none the wiser and I just get the feeling that friend is desperately trying to keep his attention so that he doesn’t notice I want to leave. Eventually when he looks up he notices im not well and I tell him I’m ready to go and of course he leaves. We say our goodbyes. Friend was a little drunk so I put it down to that. I explain the situation in the taxi home to DH and he said he didn’t notice how touchy feely she was and sorry I felt a bit out of sorts.

anyway we have a planned event that we see them at the very next weekend. Friend is sober but this time she’s bought DH some ‘special’ brownies that’s she’s baked as he told the group that he’s never tried them. She encourages him to eat them there and I suggest it’s not a good idea incase he can’t drive home. Hope what I’m saying makes sense. He refuses but she’s very insistent again blocking off me by turning her back and giggling on DH’s shoulder. He breaks away and we chat in the corner and he tells me he can see that she’s suddenly got quite friendly! She paid zero attention to me and when I said hey and asked how is her daughter when we first went over she pretended not to hear me and then said oh gosh sorry I zoned out what were you saying? It’s obvious she heard me she was right next to me.

am I right to be feeling odd about her behaviour?

OP posts:
glossypeach · 04/12/2023 09:43

This ‘friend’ is not your friend and is obviously trying to get close to your partner. If you feel it in your gut, it’s obviously not right. I had a ‘friend’ who was like this with my partner, she was friends with his sister but I became very close to her. They would always be touchy feely and when they thought I couldn’t see, they would be awfully close. I brought it up to his sister and others and I was made to feel like I was the issue for bringing it up as they were just ‘friends’ and I was paranoid. Fast forward to years later and I was pregnant, I found out her phone number in his phone was saved under ‘Dave work’ and he was cheating on me with her. She was pregnant with someone else’s baby and I was pregnant with his and they both thought it was appropriate to cheat and get together. She made my life hell and then when my baby was born she started to call herself his ‘mum’.

The point of me telling my experience is the fact that these people exist and have no morals. I knew in my gut something was wrong wrong but I shrugged it off and thought I was the problem. Please always trust your gut.

TuesdayQ · 04/12/2023 10:27

A second person coming to say trust your gut. I say this as a naturally flirty person (husband asked how I knew a man in the pub on Saturday night... I didn't. My DH then said 'it looked like he knew you' and just laughed). But I would NEVER do what you've described. Is it a different sober friend who offered the brownies? Or was she drunk? Sorry, I got a bit confused towards the end... But trust your gut.

(And as someone on medicinal cannabis... Anybody asking him to eat a Brownie before driving is NOT looking out for your best interests.)

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2023 10:33

Cut ties with her. She is not your friend.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 04/12/2023 10:40

Yep, definitely cut ties with her.

She will get braver and move things up a notch.

Personally I would meet again, let her flirt, tell your other pals in the group. They will see it for themselves and understand when you cut ties with her. They will also believe you if she starts bad mouthing you to the rest of the group…

SallyWD · 04/12/2023 10:46

Yep, she fancies him. Very brazen and strange behaviour.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 04/12/2023 11:26

She brought him space cakes? Is she deranged? Another one saying go for the gut.

OhComeOnFFS · 04/12/2023 11:33

You both need to be on the same page with this - she's trying to get between you and start a relationship with him.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 11:36

There is no other answer to give than she’s flirting. Due to the way it’s written.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 04/12/2023 11:37

At the moment she looks sad and desperate so just keep our distance.

It becomes a problem if he starts enjoying and selling out the attention and making out you are being controlling. Wait and see.

mapletreecottage · 04/12/2023 12:26

She is not a good person.

Mothmansknickers · 04/12/2023 12:31

This would make me so angry. I'd have told her to get her fking hands off my DH, then left. Trust your instincts. This isn't a friend you want to keep.

ThankYoufortheDay · 04/12/2023 12:32

Weird with the cakes. Did he actually eat them? I wouldn’t like that.

Seas164 · 04/12/2023 12:33

She's not a friend, of yours or his. Have you spoken with DH about this? I'd be having a good open chat and revisiting it as often as either of you feels necessary, in order to present a united front so she's under no impression there's anything being reciprocated.

We had this a couple of years ago with an old female friend of DP who suddenly seemed to decide that he was fair game, and spent a couple of social occasions embarrassing herself under my nose. DP cut her off every time giving her short shift. We swerved her socially for about six months, during which time it seemed to calm down, but we are both still arms length with her and will remain so. Send a very clear message would be my advice.

Charlieradioalphapapa · 04/12/2023 12:34

She is not a friend. I agree with those saying trust your gut . I’m single and most of my friends are married. I cannot imagine behaving like that towards any of their husbands. It’s unthinkable.

Seas164 · 04/12/2023 12:34

For clarity DP has plenty of female friends who behave appropriately, but when you know something is off, you know, and he knew.

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 12:35

Isn't it best just to nudge DH to deal with it?

Next time she puts her hands on him, he flinches, draws away and simply says 'no thanks'

If she blocks you off, he explicitly asks, 'can you move so I can see my wife? She is always the most important person to me, and I love staying connected.... actually, please move along so she can fit in beside me' etc.

She will feel humiliated and back off. And you never need to have been sullied by even appearing to notice, never mind getting jealous.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 12:38

Yup, she's making a play for your husband. I've seen it happen many times and it's always pathetic. She's no friend.

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 12:42

There are many different versions of these rebuffs. Eg calling to you and saying "come here, gorgeous wife... you're just on the other side of the room, but I miss you!'

Any affection she extends to him, he bounces to you.... eg brownies.... "oh yummy.... can't wait to curl up with you. OP, and enjoy these together'....

She texts and asks if he enjoyed the brownies, he answers 'actually no, they aren't my thing, but OP really loved them." Etc.

She will slink away feeling crap about herself.

Anything you do will embolden her because it confirms you think she's a threat or don't trust your husband.... and it opens the door to gaslighting 'you're imagining it... you're paranoid' etc

SeulementUneFois · 04/12/2023 12:42

Seas164 · 04/12/2023 12:33

She's not a friend, of yours or his. Have you spoken with DH about this? I'd be having a good open chat and revisiting it as often as either of you feels necessary, in order to present a united front so she's under no impression there's anything being reciprocated.

We had this a couple of years ago with an old female friend of DP who suddenly seemed to decide that he was fair game, and spent a couple of social occasions embarrassing herself under my nose. DP cut her off every time giving her short shift. We swerved her socially for about six months, during which time it seemed to calm down, but we are both still arms length with her and will remain so. Send a very clear message would be my advice.

Absolutely do something like this OP.
Your DH needs to be on the same page as you here.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 12:46

I'll echo what pp are saying above. Your husband needs to shut this down immediately, and he shouldn't be overly worried about being polite. It will be far more effective if he rebuffs her than you dealing with it. She'll see it as a win knowing she's gotten to you.

ConstitutionHill · 04/12/2023 12:46

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 12:35

Isn't it best just to nudge DH to deal with it?

Next time she puts her hands on him, he flinches, draws away and simply says 'no thanks'

If she blocks you off, he explicitly asks, 'can you move so I can see my wife? She is always the most important person to me, and I love staying connected.... actually, please move along so she can fit in beside me' etc.

She will feel humiliated and back off. And you never need to have been sullied by even appearing to notice, never mind getting jealous.

Yep. This is the best approach.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 04/12/2023 12:56

Next she'll need a 'white knight' to do a job or rescue her when her car breaks down...

Anychanceofabrew · 04/12/2023 19:49

Thankyou for your replies! She is also married and her husband has zero respect for her and quite often drools over women who walk past. They have a strange dynamic which I’ve never given much thought until now. I totally agree with DH doing the rebuffs. I definitely don’t want her to see she’s got to me/I feel threatened as it does feel as though that would thrill her.

I briefly mentioned it to my very level headed sister (she is usually one to give me a dose of reality whenever I’m overthinking) she knows the friendship group really well and she told me she wasn’t shocked.

DH spent the rest of the last function giving the obsessed friend the cold shoulder. It made me cringe to watch as she tried even harder to ‘win him over’, he refused the brownies. We are a couple that always presents a united front, now that DH is on the lookout for her being touchy feely/crossing a line he seems to be a lot more in tune with me. It did cause a bit of tension between us at first. Especially when DH had had a drink on the first occasion as I genuinely believe he was oblivious to it. Physically she is the total opposite to me so I guess I never pegged her as DH’s type and wouldn’t think of her that way but seeing her throw herself at him did get under my skin. It took all my willpower to not watch the whole thing wide eyed and tearful but I really didnt want to give her the satisfaction.

he turned down the brownies, of course. He was equally baffled by the strange gesture.

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 19/04/2024 16:48

Sounds like dh is on the same page as you with this. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Surely she’ll get the hint. Going by what you’ve added she may even be trying to make her dh jealous.

Emptyheadlock · 19/04/2024 16:57

She's a rat.

Keep your distance and tell your friendship group why.

They'll already have picked up on it anyway.