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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family holiday

17 replies

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:11

A little background: my partner has a DF is decades remarried. There is my DH and also another adult step sibling. His DF and DSM book several holidays a year with his step sibling and we are sometimes invited but usually not. They have recently messaged to tell us they are all booked up to go away for a week in the summer and would we also like to go.

We generally get on well with my partners DF and DSM, although see much less of them than they do the step sibling and partner and DGC. They offer to take our child once a week and the other DGC 2-3 days a week.

AIBU for us to say something about the after thought invite to the holiday? We generally just decline as don’t have the money relatively last minute (last minute in the sense it’s thousands and only maybe half a year away etc) plus if I’m honest we feel awkward to join last minute as it’s clear we weren’t considered at the time of booking or involved in any conversations whatsoever about where we could all go etc. We have always just accepted the dynamic and not said much as we wouldn’t want an argument. We also always thought it’s because there was grandchildren on the other side and assumed we might be included more now our child is here, but clearly this hasn’t been the case.

Does anyone have any advice on how to diplomatically decline but make the point about it clearly being an after thought to invite us? As our child gets older if it keeps happening and they realise, I would cut ties as I’m not having them feel the way my partner often does.

OP posts:

DoIReallyNeedToDoThis · 04/12/2023 08:16

Not upset enough to stop one day of free childcare a week though, eh?

ChiIIieP · 04/12/2023 08:19

Maybe they know you'll decline which is why they make their plans regardless. What difference would a conversation make if you still haven't got the money? So maybe they just know you won't be going as you never do, so they do their thing regardless.

rubyslippers · 04/12/2023 08:25

You sound really upset and already planning to cut ties with ghem
You’re happy to have the one day per week free childcare but now you’re upset because of them asking you on holiday
are you actively looking to fall out with them?

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:26

I make a point of not being a substitute. I don’t get off the subs bench! It seems you don’t either and don’t go! So just say thanks but the week clashes with existing plans. Be diplomatic and carry on. I never go on holiday with family. Don’t mention being a late inclusion as they are trying to include you knowing you will say no,

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/12/2023 08:34

If you really need to make a point then say that sorry you would have loved to have come, but you have something that week (wedding or something) and if you'd been involved in the planning of the holiday you might have been able to work around it. Don't cut your nose to spite your face though - only say this if you genuinely would have wanted to go, otherwise if you wouldn't have gone anyway due to cost or similar they probably know this and that's why the invite was last minute. You will look pretty silly saying this if you don't agree to go next time.

I suspect, like a lot of couples on mumsnet, it's his dad's wife that does the vast majority of the holiday organising and the childcare. And his dad just goes along for the ride. So it's only natural that her own children feature more highly in their plans...because they are 90pc her plans and his dad is more passive. He can either try and come to terms with this, or fall out with them, but if the relationship is otherwise good, I think this would come to be a source of regret

Original poster

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:38

Thank you yeah I do wonder if they deliberately ask late knowing we won’t come. But then just don’t ask as we’re used to that anyway? I don’t know. We had mentioned to them we would love to go a family holiday a few months ago so it was a bit hurtful to hear of said family now recently booked but no consultation with us if the date would work. Or if we would like the destination even! Etc etc.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 04/12/2023 08:41

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:38

So decline the holiday and the free childcare

Original poster

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:41

Thanks yeah this makes sense about deliberately not cutting off nose to spite face. We’ve always found it hurtful but sucked it up, my partner is an adult and can deal with it. Try not take it personally although it obviously has an element of feeling personal. But I would hate my child to hear of his cousins looking forward to their holidays with grandparents and wonder why he wasn’t going. I just can’t imagine growing up and feeling left out like that with my cousins etc. My parents wouldn’t have asked one of us and not the other though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:43

They seem to love seeing grandchild so wouldn’t do that unless a real reason to. Like I said if child became aware of being treated differently when older, and said so.

OP posts:

Amonthinthecountry · 04/12/2023 08:43

I wonder if DSM does most of the organising and childcare. If that’s the case I think it’s probably fair enough. And I deffo wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t want to rock the boat with the day of free childcare.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:44

@Dingalingping Why don’t you make an excuse this time but ask for an earlier chat about a future holiday? .Your partner’s DF obviously is fairly laid back and not taking much interest. So talk to the organ grinder.

justalittlesnoel · 04/12/2023 08:46

Amonthinthecountry · 04/12/2023 08:43

This is what I was going to say!

I do wonder if that's the case, then the contact for your side is up to your DHs father who perhaps doesn't keep up with it? Then DSM extends the invitation when it's realised your DHs father hasn't done it?

Original poster

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:47

No not at all, like I said it upsets us adults but we’re adults and used to it. We suck it up and like I said assumed we weren’t invited purely because we didn’t have kids. We wouldn’t want our child feeling that way when older though and asking why grandparents go away with cousins but not them. Perhaps they wouldn’t really notice though.

my partner has a sister who stopped speaking to the grandparents years ago as they felt their child was treated differently in the similar way. Prefered not to mention that though as trying to keep it balanced.

OP posts:

Horriblewoman · 04/12/2023 08:48

Half a year away does not sound like last minute planning!

Original poster

Dingalingping · 04/12/2023 08:49

Yeah perhaps they aren’t asking until after as they are sure we won’t go anyway. But is that to try save our feelings in some way or is it because they would hope we won’t come 😂🙈

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 04/12/2023 11:13

If you want to go away with them, what's stopping you getting the ball rolling, doing some research and asking them if they'd like to join you on a holiday of your choice? Why does SMIL have to do all the legwork? If the way she plans things isn't to your liking, then do it yourself!

mindutopia · 04/12/2023 11:17

Do you want to go or not? If you want to go, go. If not, say sorry we aren't able to, but would love to see you soon and make plans or invite them over to see your dc.

Honestly, going on holiday with family sounds like my worst nightmare. I just wouldn't ever do it. It's bad enough when they come to stay for a night or two. But personally, I don't book holidays even 6 months in advance - maybe 3 months? So it wouldn't even occur to me that someone else might think that 6 months is 'last minute' or that they are 'second best' for the invite.

If you want to go and can afford it though, go. If not, then don't. I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe they can sense your reluctance and disinterest so tend not to make the offer knowing you'll likely say no.

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