Step son

[Sweetiepie12]

Hi just to vent really I’ve been with my partner 9 years we have a daughter who is 4 and he has a son who is 9 from a previous relationship, when my partners ex found out I was pregnant she basically wanted to stop him coming to see his dad. When that didn’t work she was telling her son hel be second best etc his dad doesn’t care no more.

He's recently become quite nasty telling me I’ve gone really big and being nasty to his sister. Last week he jumped on his dads knee and said point blank im really jealous of my sister and hate her.

Friday we picked him up from school and he he was swearing on the way home he hates his dad. We’ve never left him out and always included him.

I’ve asked my partner to have a word with his mum but he’s scared shel stop access. I’m at my wits end I want to leave sometimes.

You are, unfortunately, not the first family who has dealt with a contentious ex or the hardships of blending a family. The 9-year-old is young and only saying what he is hearing Mom say. Continue to be there for him and continue showing him he is NOT second best. I read that you are doing this so keep it up; consistency counts. Perhaps a letter/something fun/reminder for him when he is at Mom's to show you are always thinking of him, even when he is not there?

At 9 years old, his hormones are starting to kick in and he is growing. DH needs to take the lead and make it clear respect is a requirement.

Agreed.

His dad needs to parent him. Tell him this is unacceptable.
He also needs lots of reassurance and hugs

I would try to arrange things so DH spends some time on his own with his DS.

It is a lot for him to deal with clearly and he needs love and support.

I think this is a situation where kindness will reap rewards long term.

Hi @Sweetiepie12.

Fellow stepmum here and full sympathies. It is so, so hard at times.

At this stage I would take a big step back from this. Your DH needs to take the lead here. I suspect your SS needs a lot of love and reassurance and he’s going about it the only way he knows how - by acting out. Your DH needs to be firm with him and make it clear that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. He also probably needs a lot more one on one time with his Dad right now to counter those ideas his mother has put into his head that he is second best. I will never understand parents who say these things to their kids - it wounds them for a long time.
For the time being I also wouldn’t leave him alone with your daughter.

Despite what some will say, you don’t fully appreciate what you’re getting yourself into until you’re well into it and there are deep feelings involved. Step parenting is at times a thankless task and I also have been close to leaving on a couple of occasions.
Have you had a look at the step-parenting board? I’ve found lots of support there over the years.

The bitter, jealous, ex will continue to throw a spanner into the works of everything you do, for the continuation of your marriage.
There will be periods of respite, however, your husband is linked to her indefinitely and your child is linked to both your husband and his child whatever you choose to do moving forward.
I had many suggestions from friends to leave DH, however I could not consciously see our children without a Dad and in any case, I love my husband. Divorce would not erase relationships. His ex would be content in a divorce, as probably would his children, however, he would still be entitled to access and our children would then be under his care 50% and exposed to his children. I do not want to be engaged in the same situation with our youngest a few years down the line.
We had 8 years where DH children lived with us. For the most part, the kids were great, it was hard work but we tried so hard to make it work, with all the best of intentions, and dealt with any issues stemming from mother in isolation. However, as the children moved into teenage years, minor quibbles became magnified and DH children reverted to his ex for solace.
The ex was generally happy to ignite the flames in every situation, driving jealousy and bitterness.
Our whole situation is now a shit show which our youngest are now stuck in the middle of.
Its frustrating, irritating, soul destroying. All the effort in the early days to make "it" work feel wasted.
DH children currently speaking with him very little (only when he contacts them). Can't recall the last time anyone responded to my calls (all now over 16).
I am literally exhausted with it all. Literally dread any suggestion of DH kids coming over. Particularly don't like leaving them alone with our youngest, who they now seem particularly angry and bitter towards.
We have explored every avenue and our conclusion is, while there is an ex and her bitter, twisted jealous family have any kind of influence over DH children, the situation will continue.
For the sake of my sanity, I have mentally checked out. I have advised DH to move on and be there when his children have "grown up" and are ready to engage like the young adults they are.
In short, you will need to learn strategies to keep yourself sane. Let your DH take the lead. Advise you will support his decisions, but also agree to distance your youngest until the oldest has resolved his issues. DH should be encouraged to spend time alone with his son. He should continue to instill discipline and reward good, appropriate behaviour. He should establish boundaries, this is how we do things in our house. Avoid conversation about mother, it will eat you all up until you are exhausted. Deal with situations are they arise, and don't feel bad for taking your youngest out for the day or away for the weekend. Good luck.

So your stepson is nine years old, and you've also been with his dad for nine years too? That means he must have split with his ex when his son was still very tiny and started his relationship with you pretty quickly? I'm wondering if that's maybe the cause of his ex's anger/bitterness towards you. (I'm not saying her behaviour is OK - it's not. But it sounds like quite a messy dynamic in general.)

Your stepson is still only young. Nine is a tricky age, just before puberty starts to kick in. He's still young enough to want/need a fair bit of attention, and his little sister, as she's only four, probably does naturally take away some of the attention he thinks he should be getting. Obviously that's not her fault, or yours! She's only four. But it might be how it seems to your stepson.

It's obvious that his mum hasn't helped matters. Threatening to stop contact, telling him he'll be second-best etc, is awful. Adding that to the fact that your stepson sees that his little sister lives with his dad full-time while he only sees him part of the time means its a difficult combination. I feel really sorry for the stepson, actually - he's got his mum pulling him one way and making him insecure, and he can also see his little sister having a more stable and less fractious family set-up than his own.

He should, of course, not be swearing at anyone or being horrible to his sister, and I think his dad needs to have a good old chat with him about that. I don't think talking to his mum is the way to go; she doesn't actually want her son to have a good relationship with you and his dad, so I suspect she'll be delighted that he's playing up. His dad needs to take him off somewhere, on his own, and have a proper, understanding heart to heart with him about how he's feeling and reassure him that he is loved every bit as much as his sister and that whatever his mum says, he's part of your family.