Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off my mother in law.

21 replies

ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:37

Its quite a long story so I will try and do a short version.
My MIL has always been a drinker and I've always said she was a high functioning alcoholic. She will deny this though. She drinks every single day. At lunchtime in the pub and then two or three bottles of wine a night. Shes only ever had supervised access with my son who is 18 months old purely because my own mother in ad an alcoholic and I was badly neglected and abused as a child because of this. Anyways, about three months ago my MIL took a funny turn, confused, vomiting, delirious, just saying off things and living in a dream world. I took her to A ,& E and she was admitted, all sorts of tests. She has lesions on her brain basically alcohol related brain damage. They said she had to stop drinking. She was detoxed in the hospital for a month. Came out and of course started drinking again. Since then she has steadily got worse. Delirious behavior, confusion, living in a.dresm world, she's become aggressive and hostile. My father in law has been staying with us because he's been trying to limit her drinking and she gets aggressive and threatened to.stab him and is physically abusive towards him. He is 75, she is 58. She's been coming to my house, banging, kicking, shouting, she even assaulted me. She told the police that my partner beat her up and then told anyone who would listen the same. She's spent stupid amounts of money on household items that she doesn't need, she even paid for a wedding for me and partner, ordered dresses,.suits, tiaras. This was all in her own head. Paid for holidays, hot tubs, all sorts of random shit. She's been arrested in town loads of times.for causing a nuisance. We just cannot reason with her. I called social services and crisis team. She was assessed and sectioned under a section 2 but only kept for a week because they say it's purely alcohol related. She will not stop drinking. The most of stupid ridiculous things she has done just goes on but I'll be here all night if I was to share all of that. Anyway. AIBU to ban her from my house. I've banned her from my son and while she's having a few days of sanity, she will not accept responsibility or apologize for everything she's put us through so I've said I am done with her. I don't wish to see her or speak to her, she will not see my son ever again. Just to add one of the many times I've called the police to have her removed from my property the police put in a safeguarding about my son against her and I've had social on the phone asking me questions about her and I've told them she will not linger be anywhere near him. My partner thinks I'm being dramatic because she's "ill". She is choosing to drink. She openly admits that it's her ,"lifestyle" and she won't stop for no one. She reminds me of my own mother. I've not spoke to her for almost 10 years because of trauma she caused me growing up so I've no issue cutting off my MIL. Would other mums feel the same in my situation,,?

OP posts:
WeightWhat · 03/12/2023 21:39

Obviously you need to cut her off. I’d probably move house.

Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:40

Absolutely not unreasonable. Alcoholism is not an 'illness' nor an excuse. She sounds incredibly destructive and quite frankly, dangerous. Keep her away from your child, you even have social services asking about her ffs!

Sausager · 03/12/2023 21:41

That sounds dreadful. You've done enough. She has to stop drinking, she doesn't want to. There's the answer.

You do not deserve that amount of stress nor abuse.

I too grew up with an alcoholic parent. You have my sympathy 💐

GrannypantsMagee · 03/12/2023 21:41

As a minor compromise, you could agree that you will see her again if she has stopped drinking.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/12/2023 21:42

You are not in the slightest bit being unreasonable.

Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:43

GrannypantsMagee · 03/12/2023 21:41

As a minor compromise, you could agree that you will see her again if she has stopped drinking.

Yes I have told her if she cuts down her drinking and comes back down to earth then we can talk and there is hope of rekindling but her answer is always "I'm not an alcoholic and I need my wine". The cheek. She's having a few days now of being pretty Lucid and even now she won't apologize. I even showed her some of the nasty messages she has sent me and she said "that wasn't me". You couldn't make it up honestly.

OP posts:
TGNW25 · 03/12/2023 21:44

sadly it sounds like she may have korsakofs an alcohol related dementia and she may benefit from a period in hospital to explore treatment and her needs for support.Had her husband spoken with the GP?

CandyLeBonBon · 03/12/2023 21:44

God op what an awful situation. O you're not unreasonable at all.

Crooklodge · 03/12/2023 21:45

WeightWhat · 03/12/2023 21:39

Obviously you need to cut her off. I’d probably move house.

Funny enough that was My initial reaction too. Very far away.

Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:45

My partner is saying im dramatic and it's his mum. He thinks I'm taking it to personally due to my own upbringing with my mother. I have endless mental health issues and crushing anxiety because of it and he just doesn't understand the stress and extra anxiety this situation has bought to me.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:45

TGNW25 · 03/12/2023 21:44

sadly it sounds like she may have korsakofs an alcohol related dementia and she may benefit from a period in hospital to explore treatment and her needs for support.Had her husband spoken with the GP?

Not OP's problem, tbh.

Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:46

ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:45

My partner is saying im dramatic and it's his mum. He thinks I'm taking it to personally due to my own upbringing with my mother. I have endless mental health issues and crushing anxiety because of it and he just doesn't understand the stress and extra anxiety this situation has bought to me.

Hang on. You have social services calling you saying she's a risk to your child but your partner doesn't see the problem?!

CandyLeBonBon · 03/12/2023 21:47

ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:45

My partner is saying im dramatic and it's his mum. He thinks I'm taking it to personally due to my own upbringing with my mother. I have endless mental health issues and crushing anxiety because of it and he just doesn't understand the stress and extra anxiety this situation has bought to me.

As a pp said, it sounds very much like this: www.bicyclehealth.com/blog/wet-brain-from-alcohol#

Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:47

TGNW25 · 03/12/2023 21:44

sadly it sounds like she may have korsakofs an alcohol related dementia and she may benefit from a period in hospital to explore treatment and her needs for support.Had her husband spoken with the GP?

Yes her husband has reached out to all. Everyone is saying she has capacity and because of that they cannot help her because she has the capacity to understand the consequences of her choices. Im a HCA professionally and this is something I have asked and asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:48

Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:46

Hang on. You have social services calling you saying she's a risk to your child but your partner doesn't see the problem?!

Show quote history

He thinks because I took the call and spoke to them that I must be exaggerating the situation. Fair enough they hav closed th case with no further action but it's not the point and I've tried to tell him this.

OP posts:
Panderoo · 03/12/2023 21:49

My stepfather drank himself to death at 49 and as harsh as it may sound it was the best thing he ever did as he was violent and bloody awful.

It is fine cutting her off, protect your child and yiurself if your partner wants to see her he is an adult and that’s his decision as long as it’s not in your house. Tell him to look up co dependency.

Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 21:54

Panderoo · 03/12/2023 21:49

My stepfather drank himself to death at 49 and as harsh as it may sound it was the best thing he ever did as he was violent and bloody awful.

It is fine cutting her off, protect your child and yiurself if your partner wants to see her he is an adult and that’s his decision as long as it’s not in your house. Tell him to look up co dependency.

What gets me is when this all started he was very much ready to cut her off and he couldn't deal with it. He accepted she was an alcoholic and basically said let her ruin her own life and he even disallowed her into our home. Its like now he thinks she's improving he's wanting to give her a chance kind of thing.

OP posts:
Astrak · 03/12/2023 22:09

Perhaps your partner is having difficulty in accepting the very real prospect of his mother dying in the not-too-distant future? From what you have written, it does seem to be a very real possibility.
I would consider moving, if that is at all possible.

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 22:14

I was going to ask if it was Korsakoffs. I’ve seen what this did to two families. Horrendous.

Ban her. Your husband needs to wake up.

Original poster
ForevermoreAnxious · 03/12/2023 22:15

Astrak · 03/12/2023 22:09

Perhaps your partner is having difficulty in accepting the very real prospect of his mother dying in the not-too-distant future? From what you have written, it does seem to be a very real possibility.
I would consider moving, if that is at all possible.

Unfortunately moving at the moment is just not possible. Three days ago she claimed to be "better" but still drinking on the night times. My father in law has gone.back.home to her and said he is keeping her in check with reducing her alcohol intake but that she is still flaring up and becoming hostile. I've made it clear to him as well that he is welcome here if he wishes but she is not. Since I told her three days ago what I thought about her. I've not had one message from her or a visit. I know that she's not better and she is very manipulative. She will go loopy again soon and this whole mess will start again. The only saving grace is I have a good relationship with the local police because of all the aggro we've had with her and they've said if she comes to my property kicking off to call them straight away. They are just as sick of her. I always keep my door locked now when im home so she can't get in if she comes. I think for the next few days while her husband is there she will not be about.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 03/12/2023 22:59

you shouldn't have to deal with this OP but your MIL is extremely unwell. she needs rehab but that will only work if she is committed to kicking the habit. sounds like she is not. your FIL is also at risk of her harming him. keep yourself and your child away and leave your DH to his own devices. it will take him time to accept the reality. just maintain your own boundaries

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread