Husband’s mental health

[Janch13]

Posting here as I can’t find a relevant category.

My husband is extremely disorganised, overwhelmed and generally a bit “useless” is how his friends and family would describe him. He’s late, forgetful, a million other things that really do make life difficult for him, for me too as I have to burden the mental load of pretty much everything (as I know most women do).

Earlier this year he mentioned to me that he has been seeing more and more about ADHD on social media and that he identifies with a lot of the traits. I actually had been thinking the same thing. Nothing more progressed from that initial conversation but he often sends me meme’s/screenshots of social posts relating to ADHD in a kinda “this is SO me” way.

Anyway, we had a family day out this weekend and he was just very much not himself.. very quiet and seemed down. At the time I was quite frustrated as we were on a family day out that had cost a fair bit of money and I felt like he was dragging down the vibe of the day but I just tried to ignore it and enjoy it with the kids.

This morning, he’s woken up in such a state… crying, so upset, saying he hates himself, he can’t cope, he is pathetic, he’s let me down us. None of which I believe to be true and I did my best to reassure and comfort him. He said he thinks he needs to see someone about this and I agreed. But .. what do we do next?

I want this ‘breakdown’ (if you could call it that) to be the catalyst for change - to finally get diagnosed and get a management plan in place (whether it’s drugs or therapy) that will really help him feel he can cope with his life and feel better about himself.

So can anyone advise on what steps he/we should do next? I say we because I do suspect it will largely fall to me as he is just as likely to wake up feeling better tomorrow and just want to forget about today’s episode. Do I make him a GP appointment? What shall I do? I desperately want to help him, seeing him so distraught today was really painful.

Thanks

I'd encourage him to speak to the GP. The waiting lists are long though (like years) for ADHD assessments.

If paying for a private assessment is an option I'd look into that.

What's triggered this breakdown? Does he work, is he able to function in his life generally? Just wondering how he copes without you to manage him in his work space if he is struggling to be organised and is overwhelmed. Would time off to focus on his mental health be beneficial?

Thank you. Out of interest, and if you happen to know, if he got diagnosed privately, would this also cover treatment - or would that have to be NHS?

@Kwackerly He does work, but he doesn’t enjoy his job and very often gets stressed and overwhelmed. Recently while we were on holiday there was an issue that fell within his responsibility, and he went into total panic mode that it was his fault, he was going to get bollocked etc. This happens frequently.

I’m sure time off would help but isn’t really a feasible option, also I suspect it would only be a temporary help - ie less on his plate for that period.

If he got diagnosed privately they can prescribe medication and then work out what's called a 'shared care agreement' with the GP for ongoing prescriptions once his dose is stabilised (I think that's how it works anyway..have a friend who went a similar route). Might need to pay for follow ups with the private psychiatrist until medication dose is optimised.

I know you feel ADHD is likely, but could he speak to the GP about his general mood anyway? If the GP thinks its ADHD then looking at private diagnosis might make sense, but if the GP thinks it might be something else maybe it's not worth it IYSWIM.

My friend's son has just been diagnosed privately but gets his medication paid for by NHS.

If he gets diagnosed privately he will have to pay for medication privately until titration is complete, and then request the GP takes over under shared care BUT they can say no.
Often a six month review is still needed but medication is then covered by the NHS.

There's also a national shortage of ADHD medication meaning prices are higher and many private companies won't even start medication for a few months - my medication cost me £397 this month as my usual hasn't been available for 4 months and so prices are being gouged by pharmacies.

If he goes to the GP please request a referral under Right to Choose which allows him to pick a private psychiatrist like PsychiatryUK or ADHD360.

its a long, expensive process but i can honestly say medication has changed my life. It's like someone has unlocked a door to half of my brain that was basically squiggles and now i can function "normally".

emotional regulation is also a huge part of ADHD too

@Lammveg yes totally agree, we suspect it’s ADHD just based on what he have seen/read but definitely keen for a proper evaluation, and to explore whatever could help.

@sephiroth23 This is so helpful, thank you. Sorry to hear you’re struggling with shortages, I had no idea about this but maybe why I’m seeing so much more about ADHD online. I think DH would massively relate to your half a brain comment, this is how he describes it too.