Am I being manipulative?

[InTheShiteGarden88]

I will try to be as neutral as possible in the description

Friends organised big night out next weekend. They are my friends but DH has known them for years and been out with them without me before.

Whatsapp group invited both me and DH - group to organise night with friends and a few others we don't know. This group set up last week.

DH becomes a bit grumpy about all the chit-chat and mutes the group. Says "it's your friends, your decision if we go, you sort it out. i'm easy but i just don't want to be invovled in all the chat"

I can't find a babysitter who will stay late enough & with this short notice in Dec.

I say to him this afternoon "sometimes we have to do things separately, espeically if we want a big night as usual babysitter only stays until 10pm or so". He agrees. Again saying he can't be arsed to talk abuot it - i either organise it and we go, or we don't - he is not arsed.

I then ask him if he wants to go by himself and he says "dont' be ridiculous. i wouldn't go without you, they are your friends" and he goes and watches telly in the other room. not really in a grump just again doesn't seem up for talking about it.

I said to him couple of hours later "I haven't seen them for ages so i might say that I can go for a few drinks but nothing too big. what do you think"

He goes silent for an hour or so.

Now he's saying I'm manipulative and that I'm always engineering social situations and that he feels upset I'm so happy to go out without him. Said why did i split my comments up throughout the day - that i was testing him somehow. I really was not.. I said in the argument that if he feels upset about me seeing friends, he is more than welcome to arrange his own drinks but he never does these days (just games) and when he goes out it's because i've organised everything.

He has just now told me has invited all his mates to our house for a big weekend in 2 weeks and that i can take the kids to my parents for an early xmas.

He says "you go out and do little things with people all the time, to the theatre and whatever - so i've stored them all up and now i'm going big"

Thoughts?

Quite a lot to unpack there.

But I would not be impressed if my DH made me and the kids leave our own home because he wanted people over.

It does sound a little like you were planting a seed in his head and were hoping he would suggest you go alone - making it his idea. If that’s what you wanted you should have just come out with it in the first place.
He's probably annoyed because he worked out what you were doing.

I feel exhausted because I was actually trying to keep everyone happy. I really would be happy for him to go alone. I'd actually prefer it. But feel one of us should go if possible so when he said no, I said I would

And he refused to talk about it until I said I'd go alone and now he's mad and organising a house party without me a week before Xmas!

But clearly what's in my head and what's being interpreted is v different

You were possibly being a bit manipulative, wanting him to suggest you go out, rather than just suggest it. But telling you to go to your mum's and take the kids as he wants the house to himself is outrageous.

Go and don't return is one suggestion, but maybe a bit drastic.

But, do you go out a lot without double checking with him first, and is he feeling a bit pissed off about it.

It just seems a very extreme reaction to a relatively small incident.

He is reeling because I said "if you want to go out you should go and see your friends but you never do". I was annoyed he refused to talk about it and then when i said id go he got in a mood. I don't go put loads...Little trips to the theatre and the odd drink. Nothing later than 10. I am always encouraging him to do things as he just games all the time with strangers online and now he's going v big and inviting all his bloke mates round and they'll be up till 6am

Are you scared of him? I was scared of my ex I woukd start little conversations to gauge his reaction and push forward if he didn't react badly

@Theunamedcat I wouldn't say I'm scared of him. But he gets v grumpy so I stop talking and bring it up again later. I do this a lot.

What a really weird dynamic.

If this was us and we couldn’t get childcare, then I’d go and DH would do the childcare. Surely it’s a total no brainer, I’m not sure what there is to discuss.

Clearly more to this than meets the eye.

I was reading and waiting for you to say you’d go alone. Your approach was transparent and maybe contrived. He lost at the point he said …. I have saved your events up and going big! Telling you and kids to go to your parents so he can have mates round. Fuck that! No. He’s a tit for tat pratt.

I don't even want to go v much! I feel like I was taking one for the team! We can't get childcare and yet we haven't seen the friends in months, he doesn't want to go, so I will. And yet I'm getting it in the neck. I'm baffled.

The tit for tat stuff is because I said in the argument he never organises anything for himself. I'm going to go to my parents. And yeah it's not great but if I don't go he'll say I stop him habunh fun

The context to this is I'm always trying to persuade him to leave the house more.

@Treaclesandwich that's good for you i guess if I had a healthy dynanic I wouldn't be on MN.